Witz DOESN'T Pick: Andy FUCKING Rooney

I’ve had it with Andy Rooney. Completely. He’s always the very last segment of 60 Minutes and consistently leaves me enraged, but not about the war crimes or the corporate crime or the super popular crappy country singer, but because this freaking old out-of-date ass crab says he doesn’t like watching football on Sundays or using whitening toothpaste. Or like tonight, when he felt the need to rant on for far too long about how products how far too many flavors these days. You see, he drank Vanilla Coke by accident and was disgusted by the flavors. He likes vanilla. He likes Coke. He just doesn’t like Vanilla Coke. He then explained that he liked peanut butter and he liked jelly as a child, but he hated peanut butter and jelly. I waited five seconds to see if he was kidding before smacking the television screen and letting out a frustrated “BAH!” for my family. That’s right-- Andy Rooney ruins family dinners. There, I said it. He went on about how everything is combined now: RASBERRY iced-tea, Cranberry Almond Crunch, Mango-Tangerine Vitamin Water…these were big problems for him. Let’s just say my brow was furrowed. THEN, Andy Rooney can’t understand why FAT FREE products COST MORE! HAHA—OH ANDY! Andy Rooney is essentially THE WORST stand-up comedian EVER, but he’s too old and dug in to get thrown out.

It’s made worse by the fact that he never lets you know he’s kidding. He just goes on about how everything pisses him off and then leaves it hanging. AWFUL OLD MAN! Multiple busses should hit him. Multiple. At least the show always ends with one of the semi-legit hosts looking at the camera with that “Fucking Old Man Makes More Than Me For Shit Like That At Least He’ll Be Dead Soon” smile, and a goodnight. I know they’re on my side.

I think it’d be great if they got Andy Richter to sit down next to Andy Rooney from now on. It can be called Andy Versus Andy or Andy On Andy or Andy R. You Fucking Kidding Me? Andy Rooney can rant about popsicle jokes or whatever else is ruining his cushy life, and Andy Richter can give him the “what the eff?” look that he does so well and follow up with one of those lines that made his show not so much of a hit, like, “Give it up Grannnpa, the Great Depression happened, get over it!”

Does anybody LIKE Andy Rooney? Am I way out of touch with what America wants? Does anyone else think it would be amazing to get Andy Rooney at a carnival in the dunking booth? Can anyone make that happen?

Fight Night: Andy Rooney vs. Mickey Rooney vs. The Band Rooney vs. Nit Romney on HBO—make it happen,

Witz

Witz Makes the Tough Pickz: Flying vs. Invisibility

It might be a Sunday for most people, and God might be resting, but this Witz is hard at work with the tough pickz. You may now accurately say that for at least one day of the week, "Witz worked harder than God." Pff. Lazy God. Speaking of which, do you think God aka G to the Izzo aka Young G-O shifted with the times like most people and decided he had to do business (not THAT kind) on Sunday to keep up? Or is He seriously just kickin' back with a brew while the technological 21st century broils around him? And if that's the case, doesn't that void most of all those "Thank Gods" that football players give when they score touchdowns and point to the sky? When they do that is God just like, "Ha! Not today effers! This is MY DAY!" Does He say "This is MY DAY?" like millions of mothers on Mothers Day and millions of others on their birthday? Is God a Jewish Mother? All of these are good questions, but they are entirely unimportant. The question today is:

Would you rather be able to Fly or be able to turn Invisible? This has probably been a question for ages, but has most recently been brought to my attention via a terrible commercial on the radio. The commercial asks, "Would you rather fly or be invisible?" and the other guy says something like, "I WANT A BIG MAC!" or, "GIMME THE SPICY CHICKEN!" or some shit. Clearly this guy is a moron (and would probably pick invisibility given some time to think, as he could then sneak in and steal all the fat foods he could want. Then it would be hilarious because he'd be this big fat invisible blob just knocking shit over wherever he went even though nobody can see him).

So now Witz has to make the tough pick: Flying or Invisibility? The Wikipedia doesn't look to be much of a help this time as it has been in the past, so I'll have to use my own thoughts and some comic book references.

FLYING:
The epitome of hubrus. The ability to ascend the heavens with only wings and sail willy-nilly around the sky, not a care in the world (until you run out of energy and die horribly). It would be tremendous. First, there's the freedom aspect-- cruising around and feeling ultimate freedom from the grasps of gravity-- able to go anywhere at a moments notice, no traffic or oceans to stop you. Then there's the heroic aspect; saving people from fires, floods, etc, and even cats from trees...or people from trees if need be. Then there's the creepy aspect; being able to fly onto people's roofs, balconies, or stare at them in their windows. That all sounds pretty cool, especially with the airlines raising their prices and making Chicago the hub for all travel even though Chicago is clearly the one place that cannot handle travel at all. Between the cold, snow, wind, hail, thunder and lightning storms, Chicago is the worst possible place to make a hub. It'd be like making Barry Bonds captain of the "Normal Sized Heads Team." (oooOOooo, what a timely reference, Witz!) So that's flying.

INVISIBILITY:
Let's not kid ourselves-- invisibility is cool for two reasons. 1) You can steal shit. And 2.) You can see people naked. If there is any other reason why you would want to be invisible, you're either a) a liar or b) probably going to vote for invisibility because you've clearly spent too much time thinking about the topic. But don't get me wrong, these two reasons are pretty brilliant. They both fall under the category of "general mischief" along with pranks and snooping. Invisibility pretty much lets you out of the social contract as we know it, and allows you to do whatever the hell you want. You can walk into any store and walk out with whatever you'd like, either not being seen or scaring the hell out of whoever sees you when they see their products floating through the air. I'm pretty sure that's the premise of those old ipod commercials where the shadow of a person is dancing around-- they just stole their ipod and then got sprayed with paint and are now visible. The commercials always cut off before they get shot multiple times in the chest. Which brings us to the downside of invisibility-- people can dump stuff on you, see you, and end your world. This is bad. Also, if anyone ever found out about it, you would probably receive endless "Hollow Man" jokes. Oh, but wait-- I forgot to mention the nakedness again. You would be able to pretty much see anyone you want naked, AND more than likely, BE NAKED YOURSELF almost all the time. I mean, either you don't need clothes (like in Naked Land, the failed children's game by Milton Bradley-- the boardgamers, not the baseball player), or can't have clothes on (like in the Fantastic Four), so what's the point? Naked time is all the time, and that would be hilarious. You would also be able to run around Naked Invisible, get really drunk, and then vomit on people and have them flip out at the nearest person, which would be ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS.

So which is it then? Flying or Invisibility? Both provide a freedom, an escape, and the possibility of using your powers for both great good and great evil. Which is it then? Well, of course I'm going to pick ADAMANTIUM CLAWS! Rip shit up and be one badass dude ready to get crazy busy on some vigilante action, like Jodie Foster in that new movie that's coming out where she shoots black people because they weren't given as many cultural advantages as her. ...But, since that's not an option, I must move on to something else. After careful deliberation, I have to pick Flying. While I love all of the hilarious and entertaining perks of invisibility, Flying is just too strong a curiosity. I would love to be able to just take off and zoom around for a while. Not fear falling anymore. Constantly hustle people playing basketball by being able to dunk from my own hoop (which is pretty much legal in the NBA nowadays anyway). I'd also like to potentially give the finger to people flying first class while they are in the air. So flying it is. It was a tough pick, but I feel as though I've earned my Sunday rest. Unlike Young G-O-Deezie, who is spending all of His time making people think that not all of Modest Mouse's songs sound the same, and having a good laugh doing it.

You Know, We Fly High, Ballin...,
Witz

Witz Pickz: EvenLevel.Com & Sticking It to Car Dealers

I’ve had it with car dealers. The shear number of commercials alone drive me insane, with every odd-ball nobody getting a thirty second spot where they wander around their lot casually or kookily telling me how freakin’ awesome their deals are. Sometimes they act too cool for school with their prices. Other times they remind me how Hometown they are. At best they tell me they have a sale which might be useful to me, and at worst they tell me that some horrific event has occurred and for no reason in particular they absolutely positively must eliminate their car stock or all shit will break loose”!”.

I’ve never had to buy a car, but no matter what the commercials tell me, I know that they are making money off of selling me a car. That their, “Rock Bottom Prices” are still putting their children through college. Car Dealerships are not tax write-offs—they are making money off of me.

Which brings us to EvenLevel.Com, a new startup internet site that is sticking it to car dealerships. There is nothing I like more than a militant car mitigator—to quote their mission statement as found on their blog at evenlevel.wordpress.com:

“This is an opening salvo, a shot across the bow, of the car industry. For too long dealers have abused consumers from their legally protected position as the sole purveyor of cars to the public, they have wielded their influece to gain leverage over the consumer, to drive up prices, and to make the car buying experience as unpleasant as possible. Evenlevel is fighting back!

We, at Evenlevel, believe in the fundamental rights of the consumer to be treated with respect and to get a good deal. Evenlevel is fighting against the abuse of asymmetric information that dealers possess: knowing the car purchase price, the car condition, and the car history. We believe this information should be available to all, that the consumer should know as much about the car as the selling dealer.

We intend to liberate that information, display it to the consumer, and make the entire process transparent. By making the process more transparent, we will make the process more efficient, and drive down the cost of the car for the consumer.”

But why would a company do that? What do they get with such low, low prices? A flat fee. You see, evenlevel.com does not care how much the car is sold for, and by eliminating that greed factor, they are free to provide all the information to make a car as cheap as possible. They match up buyers with dealers who already have the car you are looking for, and get a flat fee when the transaction is completed. PLUS, they have a fantastic slogan:

EvenLevel.Com: Driving the Revolution

SOLD! While people might be a tough sell at first with the new way of doing business, I think that our generation understands the current paradigm well enough to know that change is needed and advantageous. So check out EvenLevel.com, who I promise is not sponsoring WitzPickz.com, and see if maybe it will work for you.

WitzPickz.Com: Writing The Revolution…..damn, that’s not as good…,

Witz

Witz Pickz: "Live Free or Die Hard!"

I overheard this conversation in Borders about six years ago:

Guy: You didn’t see Die Hard?
Girl: Nah…
Guy: Oh man, it’s so good, how could you not have seen Die Hard?
Girl: I dunno, I just never felt the need to see it…
Guy: But things blow up!
Girl: I’ve seen things blow up before.
Guy: Yeah…but not like in Die Hard.

While I’ve seen the other Die Hard films (Die Hard, Die Hard II, Die Hard With a Vengeance), it was not until today, when I watched Live Free or Die Hard that I agreed completely with the guy’s statement. I have always loved the Die Hard franchise, and was super excited to see this latest installment. I waited and waited for the right time to see it, and today, when it finally rained, I drove as fast as possible to the theater and bought a matinee ticket (for only 6 bucks which is pretty good these days!). AND I WAS BLOWN AWAY! I mean, I was BLOWN AWAY by “Live Free or Die Hard” unlike I’ve been BLOWN AWAY by an action movie in a long time—and I’ve seen BLOWN AWAY with Jeff Bridges and Tommy Lee Jones and Forrest Whitaker (Was it during Blown Away when the now infamous “Eye Incident” sent Forrest Whitaker from being a casual nobody to a standout Oscar nominee??).

Live Free or Die Hard aka Die Hard IV was just great. It matched every anticipatory expectation I had and gave me two hours of supreme action movie bliss. I laughed, I cried (well, because of the laughing), I ogled, and I was awed by the hugely unnecessary and complicated violence that took place. More than all of that, however, I was filled with warmth that only massively over the top movie explosions (and probably house fires) can provide. SHIT. BLEW. UP. Cars blew up. Guns blew up cars. Cars blew up helicopters. Helicopters blew up buildings, Buildings blew up people. People blew up buildings. People in buildings blew up other people in vans. Planes blew up trucks. SUVs crushed people. PEOPLE CRUSHED SUVS. The random action sequences were perfectly constructed and spread out between the dialogue, actual plot, and, of course, the one liners. In addition, while I didn’t think Mac (of the Mac and PC ads) was necessarily the best choice for the role, he did a great job and filled the role of “sidekick” well. Plus, he made me laugh, so well done.

Which leads us to the following statement: I believe that John McClane is the best action hero of all-time. He is four flicks deep, has yet to disappoint, has killed men twice his size with ridiculous resourcefulness. He makes us laugh. He makes us sit on the edge of our seat even though we know he ain’t gonna die. He always has a civilian sidekick who he brings out the best in. One of those sidekicks was Carl from Family Matters. He has killed someone with an icicle, an ax, grenades, lots of guns, cars, and, oh yeah, his bare hands. He is badass. And he never does wrong. He is the original Jack Bauer, but without the annoying daughter and with a better catchphrase (“Yippie kayay, motherfucker” waaaaay outdoes “we’re running out of time.”). He’s also been around for years, is now over 50 (right?) and still gets the job done. I mean who are the other competitors? Action franchises include, The Terminator, Aliens, Lethal Weapon, Indiana Jones (kinda), James Bond (but only one Bond per grouping), Rambo (massively one dimensional and out-dated), Batman, RoboCop (lamest ever), and numerous others that don’t quite make it to the top. Therefore, I must conclude that John McClane is number one. And if you don’t believe me, go see the movie. It’s been twenty-years since Die Hard I and still, nothing blows up like in Die Hard.

“That guy died…….that guy died harder….”

Witz

Witz Pickz: Airline Security!

9 times out of 10, I'm gonna say that Airline Security has its problems. They are reactive instead of proactive and often times ridiculous in their solutions. If you are scared of liquids mixing to form explosions, maybe you shouldn't have a "dump bucket" where all the illegal liquids are dumped together before going through security.

BUT CHECK THIS OUT:

This is one of those stories that sounds totally contrived; like when a standup comic says they were watching a movie the other day when in actuality, they've never seen the movie or at least not in the last ten years. BUT I promise this one is true. This happened and I realized it exactly when I say I did. SO, I was packing an extra bag to fly home for my friend's wedding. The bag was extra because I didn't need it, it was just a bag I wanted to fly back to the east coast for my parents to have. Since it was extra, I decided to get some stuff I didn't need out of my apartment, and throw a future extra items in for use at home. My bag contained these items before I put the books in: a pair of dress shoes, a cassette car adapter for an ipod, and a towel on top. I then put in the books which I've read and didn't need to read again. After putting them in, I looked over what I had and these were them: Choke by Chuck Palahniuck (ok), Wicked by Hack McGuire (getting sketchy), Now I Can Die In Peace by Bill Simmons (rut-roh, orange alert), and American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis (oh shit), all conveniently laid out on top of my College Yearbook. It was at that moment that I realized that if Homeland Security didn't inspect my bag, they weren't doing their job correctly.

Today, after the long flight, and subsequent long sleep, I opened up my smaller extra bag to grab the ipod adapter. And wouldn't you know what was sitting on top: a brochure saying that my bag was inspected by Homeland Security! THEY DID THEIR JOB! I have never been so reassured by a process in my entire life. I also think that maybe I'm qualified for that job now, and maybe I can get hired and then parlay that into a Private Investigator position. I've already gotten the first disc of Moonlighting from the library and have four awkward seasons of Veronica Mars behind me. Yes, I do see this working out.

Witz Pickz Private Dickz,
Witz

Witz Pickz: The Cob, Bitter:sweet, Kingdom Come

A few pickz to keep July groovin':

Corn on the Cob: Corn is a tasty, useful food that we've been eating for thousands of years. Some people prefer maize, but to them I say "Corn IS Maize!" But while corn gets all the good hype, The Cob gets nothing, and yet, no kind of corn is better than corn ON THE COB (except for candy corn, but that shit isn't natural-- it's baked by easter bunnies in the base of a subterranean mountain in South Dakota). Corn just tastes better on the cob. Now maybe this is because it's fresh or in season, but let us not dismiss the cob so quickly. Who are we to say that the cob and eating corn off of the cob is not the reason why corn on the cob tastes so good? NOBODY! WE ARE NOBODY! Give the cob its due.

Bitter:sweet: Do you enjoy Lily Allen? If you do, then have some more-- this time she's called Bitter:sweet and is a band from southern California. Same sound, different people, and from the myspace songs I've heard, such as Dirty Laundry, quite enjoyable. Clearly, however, there is the question of the : in the name. Some people might say that it's the divider between categorical opposites-- an analogy between the bitter and the sweet, as the music they create. But I think it's a typo that they didn't catch and are now stuck with. I mean c'mon, a collon? Who does that? It's almost too easy to accidentally hit "shift ;" after typing an "r" that I don't see how anyone could think anything else. Do you honestly even think the semi-collon existed before somebody with poor handwriting got lazy on the bottom "."? Not a chance. Did you know that a "?" does not actually mean "to inquisite", but rather, "I am not sure of my exclamating!?" it's like a spork in that respect. Is what I'm saying true? I dunno, do you take your grammatical and punctuational directives from Witz Pickz now? I would think not. If you answered "Yes," maybe it's time for you to re-examine your life and see where you might improve it; possibly while listening to Bitter:sweet.

Jay-Z's Kingdom Come: It's a bit after the fact, but I finally sat down and straight up LISTENED to Jay-Z's new album-- the one he came out of retirement for. Until recently, I had been telling people offhand that it was terrible and just not enjoyable to listen to. After listening closely, however, my opinion has changed-- or at least gained more depth. You see, the first 9 tracks or so are really really well constructed. They are intimate moments with Jay-Z in his life and they tell a story. Some of them are catchy, but most are simply interesting, and show off Jay-Z's massive lyrical talents. Around track ten, though, things shift. Maybe it's the fact that Dr. Dre produces much of the latter half of the album, but they suddenly stop being so intimate and connected (both topically and musically), and begin to sound like extra tracks that they used to fill the album. They become more gangster rap sounding and lose the intricacies of the earlier tracks. They sound like a bunch of individual tracks as opposed to one continuous musical movement. So while I would now say that the album is not terrible, I would say checkout the first half of the album and then do what you will with the rest. It's mostly Jay-Z telling us that he's back...which we know....because...well...he's back.

I'm flying back East again tomorrow, so I'll try posting again on Wednesday. Hopefully nothing about airplane fiascos.

Microphone Checkers Present: King Me,
Witz

Witz Pickz: Witzpickz! And Witzpicks!

Happy 4th of July people! I don't know why you're sitting there reading Witz Pickz on this beautiful/overcast/partly cloudy/rainy day, but if you are, you are among the first to know that Witz Pickz has gone to the next level! That's right-- eliminating what could have been a really thoughtful, insightful gift for my birthday in two months, I purchased www.witzpickz.com and www.witzpicks.com. You can now go to either of those sites and it will-- well, it will forward you back to here. But the point is, if you actually type it in, it's even easier and faster, and you can tell people verbally off the cuff to go to Witz Pickz dot com, and even if they don't get the z's thing, they will end up here. GLORIOUS! Here are some Fourth of July Pickz:

Grills: These wondrous devices cook up the most delicious of meats and veggies. How do they do it? Contrary to popular belief, it is not magical fairies flying around in circles so quickly they create enough heat to cook your food. No. In fact, it is heat produced by charcoal or gas or propane (which may or may not be the same as gas)! Anyway, I always assumed grills were massively expensive-- even the small charcoal ones I figured went for about 70-80 bucks. But guess what?? THEY'RE NOT! I found small grills with stable builds and legit looking cooking puts for 20-40 bucks. That's it. Amazing. And propane grills were selling for 100-200 bucks for really good looking setups. I can't wait to own a home.

Fireworks: Alright, here's the thing. I pick the idea of fireworks and the fact that they exist. People invented gun powder to kill each other and then some Japanese or Chinese guy (at least according to "Shanghai Knights" starring Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson, used the powder to make crazy designs and colors in the sky. Well played. HOWEVER, that was hundreds of years ago and I am now sick and tired of the same old firework displays. Big burst, small burst, sizzle, sizzle, Pop, Pop, Pop. Throw some Beethoven behind it and that's the works. COME ON PEOPLE! Let's get creative. There has to be other ways to make these things explode. Create new patterns. New designs. Explode them into the outline of Bill Clinton's head, and then make that head wink. How cool would that be? Play something hip for the kids behind it and you got yourself a show.

Independence: Independence is cool! No way around it. When I was little, I didn't understand what July 4th was all about-- I mean, those Brits seemed cool enough, and hey, who likes tea anyway? Stamps are overrated. But sometime after fourth grade I got it. Being independent is awesome. It's not about the taxes or the condescending attitude, it's about being able to eat ice cream for dinner, and stay up until four in the morning watching episodes of Dinosaurs you bought on DVD. It's about staying out late on a school night and making as big as mess as you want-- because only you have to clean it up. It's about not washing dishes right away, eating at a table that isn't set, and having pizza 8 nights a week. That's right-- EIGHT. It's that good. Independence is Pizza Eight Nights A Week. And nevermind having to worry about healthcare and getting a job, and not getting scurvy, because you, my friend, have your independence, and can listen to "Since U Been Gone" or "Beer" or any Three-Six Mafia as loud as you want, whenever you want. So how about that?

Wishing Healthcare, Rent, and Food were Independent-- I mean Free,
Witz

Witz Pickz: Soy Milk, His Balls Where They Currently Reside, and the Potential or Nonexistent Power of Oregano

It appears the comments and my readership has dropped off dramatically with the beginning of summer, and I can't say I've done much to fight it. But today is TUESDAY! And with TUESDAYS come VAST LEAPS OF SUCCESS AND PROACTIVITY! Mondays...not so much. Wednesdays through fridays? Not at all. Saturday and Sunday? Why even ask! No, TUESDAYS are really the days where stuff gets done. It's like it says in the fake, imaginary, always shifting Bible,

"On the first day, God thought about what to do. On the second day, God did as much as he could do while also downloading and watching Showtime television shows (even God wasn't gonna pay for showtime). The rest of the week God found reasons why his other ideas weren't actually that good, like making humans breath underwater, and resistant to fire. He also decided that other people would probably take care of some stuff better than he could, so he let the Japanese invent the SARS mask and Mario Cart 4. THEN...he spaced out a little. When Saturday came, he woke up early in the hopes of doing SO MUCH WITH HIS DAY-- but then he invented Saturday Morning Cartoons, and the Saturday Afternoon Movie, and suddently it was nighttime, and he had kind of a headache. He arose on Sunday, the seventh day of the Lord, and thought, "I ought to do something with my day. Get some work done." But then he remembered that it was Sunday, and Sunday was the day of rest. So he started drinking early, and took a nap from 2-6pm."

So you see that Tuesdays are the day things get done. Here are some posts and being Tuesday, you really ought to comment (although comment kudos go to A-Money for stepping up big in the last few weeks with his comments).

Soy Milk: A curious string of circumstances led to my purchasing a small Trader Joe's box of Soy Milk last week. I never trusted the stuff, but decided I would have some with my cereal. And you know what? IT'S GREAT! Mixed with some cereal, I can't tell the difference from regular milk, which is more expensive, apparently creates more mucus when you're sick (or allthe time?), and goes bad really easily. So I've been using it. This does, however, raise the problem that when it finally does go bad, I will have absolutely no idea! Never having experienced curdled Soy Milk, I won't know until it's too late that I have started consuming an expired product. This, some refer to as, "the spice of life," but which I simply refer to as, "Gross." As for what the hell soy milk is or how healthy or awful for you it is, checkout this blog with all types of stuff I don't understand: SOY MILK!

My Balls Where They Currently Are: I don't even know how to discuss this story. I read about it HERE, but there are articles all over the net. Basically, in Liverpool, UK, a man and woman who were in an open relationship, got into an argument at a party, and she "pulled hard" on his testicles. Here's his response: “That caused my underpants to come off and I found I was completely naked and in excruciating pain.” The pain was due to the fact that she RIPPED OFF HIS BALLS! Apparently she, "tried to swallow the testicle, before spitting it out. She maintains, 'I am in no way a violent person.'" AHHHHHHH. Couple things here. First, I'm a bit confused about how she ripped off his underpants/balls without pants being involved in the equation-- I mean, they were at a party with some friends. Second, she tried to eat the testicle, but then wasn't able to and handed it back to him saying, "This is yours." That's pretty hardcore, but do you think she failed at eating the testicle because she realized that SHE WAS EATING A TESTICLE??? That's my theory. Finally, this begs for a band to name themselves Detachable Balls. or Nuts On the Loose. or ...And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Testicles. I'm gonna go throw up now.

The Potential Power of Oregano: While being sick for almost three weeks, my Mom did a lot of research online once all the obvious solutions failed. I was taking these Good Immune System pills which smelled and tasted ike garlic, black olives, and chemicals, and needed something else. What did she find? OREGANO! Apparently, wild oregano has incredibly potent healing potential. The oil in wild oregano was used in lab tests with various bacteria and viruses, and within 20 minutes, most of the bacteria and viruses were dead (though due to the oregano oil or boredom is unclear-- I also don't know if bacteria and viruses simply die after 15 minutes in a pietri dish). Wild Oregano is far more potent than commercial oregano (they'd have me believe), and so I spotted up the thirty bucks for a bottle of OregaMax (of the Oreganol) family, and started taking them. They call for 2...OR MORE (shrug, whatever you feel like) per day, and unlike the "Toppings HodgePodge" of the Immune Health pills, these smell exactly like pizza and are DELICIOUS! So I've been taking them, and now I am "healthy." Oregano. Who knew. Or who knows....if it's even effective at all....

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Creepy Factions of Pop-Culture

Apparently I've been either in a good mood or haven't wanted to accrue any negative karma recently, because it's been a while since I "DIDN'T Pick" anything. So here to kick off the week are some things Witz DOESN'T Pick:

Hilarious Bathroom Stories: I'm not saying that I watched "The View" while I was sick, but I somehow saw Steve Carrell and Wanda Sykes on the program and then saw this little bit: "Do you have pictures of your child getting all wrapped up in toilet paper? How about doing funny things in the bathtub? We want your hilarious bathroom stories and photogaphs!" WHAT??? So many problems here. For starters, what the hell is The View thinking? Have they lost their minds? Is that the usual level of quality? Maybe I'm crazy, but isn't the only difference between child pornography and hilarious bathroom photos the "creepy basement" aspect? Oh, but there are other problems. A) Nothing in my bathroom experience has ever been HILARIOUS. Confusing? Sure. Disturbing? Of course. Borderline disastrous? On occasion-- like this one time in elementary school when I had a bad case of the flu, and was sitting there while holding a trash can to throw up in, and had such a high fever that I PASSED OUT and slammed my nose against the bathtub, causing my NOSE TO BLEED PROFUSELY, but not negating the first two fun activities (I'm not above telling you a story like this)!! But HILARIOUS? No. I would say not hilarious. B) Why do these hilarious pictures exist? Who is snapping or videographying all these hilarious bathroom moments? But they must exist-- so either someone walked in with a camera just at the right moment, or was there to begin with and told their child to "hold on just a minute" while they acquired a camera in order to traumatize their child later in life. Either way, that's not good parenting. The View is idiots.

Charmin' Ultra Strong Toilet Paper: I truly did not intent there to be a theme when I started this post, but it seems today's post will not win any prizes for "Distinguished Journalism." Having said that, I was shopping the other day and came upon Charmin' Ultra Strong Toilet Paper. Lingually, I object to this product because while Charmin' is pronounced "Sharmin" it's definitely spelled like CH-armin', as in charming. So that's weird. But more specifically, I have a problem with this toilet paper because IT EXISTS. Someone used toilet paper and didn't say, "too soft, too rough, not plied enough, or needs lotion", but said, "NOT STRONG ENOUGH." First imagine the scenario and consequences leading up to that statement. That's a hilarious bathroom story (from our perspective). Now think of the fact that the product exists and what that means. Why would anyone need their toilet paper to be "Ultra Strong?" Ultra. Like-- really strong. Was there an accident involving acid and their ass, thereby creating a craggy sandpaper gorge of resistance? Do they wipe with the fury of a thousand beasts? Or is something else entirely going on here that I just straight up do not understand? Am I the weird guy and everyone else is strong-use normal? Please, please tell me.

This Is How We Do It,
Witz