Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Witz Pickz: Airline Security!

9 times out of 10, I'm gonna say that Airline Security has its problems. They are reactive instead of proactive and often times ridiculous in their solutions. If you are scared of liquids mixing to form explosions, maybe you shouldn't have a "dump bucket" where all the illegal liquids are dumped together before going through security.


This is one of those stories that sounds totally contrived; like when a standup comic says they were watching a movie the other day when in actuality, they've never seen the movie or at least not in the last ten years. BUT I promise this one is true. This happened and I realized it exactly when I say I did. SO, I was packing an extra bag to fly home for my friend's wedding. The bag was extra because I didn't need it, it was just a bag I wanted to fly back to the east coast for my parents to have. Since it was extra, I decided to get some stuff I didn't need out of my apartment, and throw a future extra items in for use at home. My bag contained these items before I put the books in: a pair of dress shoes, a cassette car adapter for an ipod, and a towel on top. I then put in the books which I've read and didn't need to read again. After putting them in, I looked over what I had and these were them: Choke by Chuck Palahniuck (ok), Wicked by Hack McGuire (getting sketchy), Now I Can Die In Peace by Bill Simmons (rut-roh, orange alert), and American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis (oh shit), all conveniently laid out on top of my College Yearbook. It was at that moment that I realized that if Homeland Security didn't inspect my bag, they weren't doing their job correctly.

Today, after the long flight, and subsequent long sleep, I opened up my smaller extra bag to grab the ipod adapter. And wouldn't you know what was sitting on top: a brochure saying that my bag was inspected by Homeland Security! THEY DID THEIR JOB! I have never been so reassured by a process in my entire life. I also think that maybe I'm qualified for that job now, and maybe I can get hired and then parlay that into a Private Investigator position. I've already gotten the first disc of Moonlighting from the library and have four awkward seasons of Veronica Mars behind me. Yes, I do see this working out.

Witz Pickz Private Dickz,

1 comment:

IrishGal said...

Not intentionally meaning to rain on your parade, but I'm gonna propose the alternate theory that Airline Security thought your bag was the plant on which they'd later be "graded" (if there is such a thing). Kinda like how Starbucks has secret shoppers who specifically order a basic drink, ask one question about the merchandise, and leave the store immediately upon receiving their drink without letting said drink touch their lips. Anyway, way to loft that softball to TSA; I'm sure you made their day.