Witz Makes the Tough Pickz: Mountain Lion or Bear?

Alright, in conversation last night, conversation somehow stumbled into “Would your rather be mauled by a bear or a mountain lion?” I’m pretty sure I led the way to this question and may have even posed the question myself to the befuddlement of the group, but it’s still a viable question. I believe your location in the country effects your decision—I had never even considered Mountain Lions a threat until I moved out west. Suddenly, Bears don’t seem like such a big deal, whereas I previously had a big black bear walk across my front lawn. Granted, both maulings will more than likely result in death, but which would you prefer? Let’s take a look:

Bear: Massive and imposing—which works for and against you. On one hand, the bear is large and fast and dangerous and can destroy you in a single swipe. On the other hand, everyone understands that bears are big and fast and dangerous and can destroy you in a single swipe—there will be no question of whether or not you should have survived the bear attack. You would get some posthumous street cred. Also, I have a better feel of what I’m supposed to do if a bear sees me: Act small, “Get low” as the rappers say, and try not to pee myself (unrelated). Hopefully the bear goes away and you survive. There’s the added bonus that bears are wicked cool and awesome looking and it’d be neat to see one up close and if not mauled—perhaps nuzzled by one.

Mountain Lion: Small, lithe and muscular, but looks like a big cat. In this case, I feel the mountain lion is equally dangerous as the bear with their claws and speed and keen senses, only they aren’t as big and scary as bears so people wouldn’t quite understand how you got mauled by one. I mean, they look like cats, and you can fight off a cat, right? Even though people know mountain lions are dangerous, it’s more shocking that you got mauled by one, and might be funny—as would potentially hearing that someone got mauled by a bear. Really “mauled by” is the funny part. Anyway, I feel like mountain lions have an innate scent for meat that bears lack. Bears eat things, but they don’t seek out meat and flesh on a regular basis. Mountain lions, cougars, cheetahs, lions, they all do. Meat is meat is meat and they want it, want it, want it. So that freaks me out. Also, I’ve watched like twenty Man vs. Wilds and I still have no idea what I’m supposed to do if I’m spotted by a Mountain Lion. I’m pretty sure, “back away and then—“ but I don’t know the rest. If I come upon a mountain lion, I’m GOING TO BE MAULED BY A MOUNTAIN LION. Whereas with a bear, I feel I have a few seconds of potential survivalism. There is, however, the potential to get nuzzled by the cat before mauled, and that would still be pretty nice.

So I guess I would pick to be mauled by a bear, or at least to encounter a bear with potential for mauling. I’d probably die, but somehow I’d feel better about it. They can walk on two legs when they want to, and I had them as stuffed animals. There’d be no residual bitterness towards any house pets, whereas with a mountain lion, should I survive, I’d probably be pissed off at my cats. So Bear it is. For better or worse. Which would you rather get mauled by?

Mauled By Pandas (the slowest, cutest death of them all),

Witz