Thursday, March 27, 2008

Witz Pickz: An Open Letter To NCAA Basketball Teams

Dear NCAA Basketball Teams,

I would first like to say "Hi" to the women's teams and wish you all luck in the tournament. Having said that, please ignore the rest of this letter, as it isn't really meant for you. And in case my new Mortal Enemy "Stuff White People Like" hasn't hit upon it yet, let me just say that the number one thing White Middle-Aged Men Like is "Women's College Basketball." Nothin' beats it.

Now that we got that out of the way, I wish to say a few things to the men's teams. Underdogs, congratulations, you should be very proud of yourselves for having achieved above and beyond what was expected of you. It shows not only strength of mind and spirit, but courage, to anger so many Americans who went so far as to place money they couldn't really afford to lose on your lack of success. Some of you I believed in. Kansas State, Western Kentucky, I read several short summary excerpts about you and dared to believe that you would come out the victors. Davidson, I thought you would take down Gonzaga and you did, but I think I speak for most people when I say that you weren't supposed to take down Georgetown. You made quite a few enemies with that one, and quite a few memories as well, I imagine. Which brings me to my next point: Stop-- it's time for you all to lose. It was a good run while it lasted, but like many people, I don't have you going to the Elite Eight or the Final Four, and I have at least twenty dollars at stake here. I'm not talking to you Louisville, you can go ahead and beat Tennessee, as we all felt the need to pick one or two higher ranked seeds to go further, but Davidson, West Virginia, are you really that unhappy with spring break? These are the memories we make today to have for tomorrow, and don't you want dancing half naked while Flo Ride plays in the background to be a part of that for you? Be fair to yourself and to us and go down without a fight. I don't think any of us can handle that kind of stress anymore. Oh-- and have fun out there.

North Carolina, I hate you with a passion unrelenting. Win. Win it all. You were number one for most if not all of the year, and your pretty boy, douchebag looking leader Tyler Hansbrough must now lead you to ultimate victory. Your lives will most likely be worse after this year, so make it last and win the championship.

Kansas, it's not that I don't believe in you, but I picked you in a separate bracket that has far less money at stake. I'd like for you to win, but times are tough right now and aside from the monetary gain that would be helpful to me if you lost in the Final Four, I would gain a lot of respect for winning my office pool. Sorry.

UCLA, don't tell Xavier, but I have you beating them in the next round. I don't really know how injured Love is, but I hope it's in between "Healthy enough to beat Xavier and Memphis, but injured enough to lose to UNC in the Championship." Speaking of which:

Memphis, as my parents implied for years to me, "You were a mistake." I'm not exactly sure why I don't have Texas beating you in the Elite Eight, but I can only assume that I kept switching back and forth and you were in the right place when time ran out and the first game started. So prove me wrong and make me proud...and then lose to UCLA in the Final Four.

Thank you all very much for this year's entertainment. Some of you I have rewarded with one round upsets. Others I have given slightly more credit. I have rewarded all of you number 1 seeds' hard work by having all four of you in my Final Four. I have recently come to learn that the four number one seeds have never all made the final four in the history of the NCAA tournament, but why should I worry about that. Somebody, somewhere must have thought you were worth it, and I believe in each and every one of you to varying degrees. It's time to make this March "Madness" a little more sane.

So good luck to everyone, and please take my thoughts and words into consideration when playing your upcoming games. Because that's all they are really, isn't it? Games? As long as you all have a good time, you're all winners. In NCAA bracket pools, there can be only one winner, and consequently, nobody ever has any fun. I'll leave it to you all to decide which is more important-- I know you'll make the right choice for everyone involved.

Fingers Crossed,

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