Witz Pickz Presents: "S.E.P: Special Events Police"

EXT. Parking Lot -- Day

WITZ stands under the bright sun, decked out in nice pants and a tucked in button-down shirt. His far too heavy, but very affordable pseudo-blazer is draped over one shoulder. A "duffle bag"
that looks more and more like a tote bag with every glance, hangs over the same shoulder, and secretly, stowed away in a pocket of the jacket-- Stunner Shades...just waiting.

MIKE, a sixty year old ex-army man turned campus security guy stands stoutly with his arms crossed. His mustache and protruding bushy gray nose hair appear to be playing catch with a piece of white fuzz as he breathes deeply. His shades are on-- dark black.

CURTIS stands next to him-- skinnier, slightly younger, clearly of a less security based background-- but equally prepared. Arms crossed and standing to the side and juuust slightly behind Mike, Curtis is the silent type-- or so he seems. His shades are on as well, they just don't quite fit as well.

Witz: Hi, I'm Witz.

Mike: Mike. Is that your real name?

Witz: Well, kinda. You see, I use the nickname so people can't quite track down who I am, in case I piss off someone who's a big fan of Andy Rooney or Bubblicious.

Mike: I see. This is Curt.

Curt: Hi.

Witz: Nice to meet you both.

And thus begins the four hours they will spend together sitting in the parking lot for the event, the Special Events Police keeping order and Witz coordinating the Squad of SEPs, shuttle bus drivers, and parking attendants. Fortunately, Witz has brought a book, a pad, and some work to d--

Mike: Yep, ya usually got yer rush around 1pm and then it happens in spurts. (Oops. Mike's a talker.)

Witz: I've heard that's how old people pee...

Mike: We'll see how it is today though, keep it under control one time there was a football game see and these two guys started goin' at it you know ruuummbling see and we had to--

Mike is a talker and he does not care if you talk or not-- he has something to tell you and he is going to learn you good with it. Curt, as it turns out, doesn't talk much, but is far more direct with his questions.

Curt: So New York's the real deal then? That's the best city? (he asks, appropos of nothing other than I didn't like cold winters in Maine).

Witz: Uh, yeah, you bet-- they got lots of stuff to do...it's exciting...

Curt: Yep. (he says, like he just owned it)

Mike: I dated a gal from New York once, she was real nice, went into nursing I think, know what I mean?

Witz: (Thinking maybe I don't know what he means) Yup.

Curt: You bet.


The three stand waiting for action. Ready for anything. Time passes. During this time, we fade to a narrator telling an unrelated story-- not for any connective purpose, but because it's funny and shows time has passed:

"My comedy belt struck again. Hideously. You see, I was in the bathroom, changing into athletic clothes, so I was in the handicapped stall. Another person walks into the bathroom and hustles to the regular stall. Only he apparently has shy bowels, because he sits down in a hurry, but then it's the sounds of silence. I'm glad because nobody wants the alternative, and quickly hurry to get undressed. As I take off my belt, it makes the loudest series of fart noises I've heard since I first got the belt. In my attempt to silence it, I end up causing a firecracker like chain of gaseous immitations. Well, lemme tell you-- apparently hearing comraderie coming from the handicapped stall got this guy over the hump because the next chunk of seconds sounded like business end of a street drain during monsoon season. I looked down at my belt HORRIFIED and quickly put the rest of my clothes on and bolted out of the bathroom."

Now back to S.E.P.: Special Events Police


ONE HOUR LATER

Mike: And we got back from 'Nam and the news story was about junk mail-- you know, like the stuff you get in the mail. I couldn't believe that I'd just seen my friends killed and back home people were worrying about junk mail...

Curt: So you were a creative writing major, then?

Witz (staring like a deer in the headlights): Uhh, yeah.

Curt: I was a sociology major.

Witz: Oh, cool, I really liked soc, I almost minored in--

Curt: Nah, I just did it so I could avoid the draft...

Witz: Ah...I see....

Curt: So people don't read anymore, right?

Witz: Uh, I mean, that's what I hear? Sales are down...

Curt: Cause I'll try to read a book, you know, but then I just get SO BORED, and like, I try to read a classic every now and then, but I'm just so tired.

Witz: I've realized recently that you don't have to read classics all the time you know? Like, it's ok to read strictly for entertainment-- plus I think that a lot of fiction for enjoyment is also starting to have a lot more built into it anyway.

Mike: I read the entire Rise & Fall of the Roman Civilization.

Curt: Go ahead, ask him a question about it.

Mike: Ask me a question.

Witz: I...don't think I even know enough of the rise and fall of the roman civilization to ask you a question about it....

Mike: (laughs) Um-hm.

Curt: How many people sucked?

Witz: What?

Curt: In your class-- how many people could actually write and how many were terrible?

Witz: Like...half (searching for the right answer)...

Curt: HA! (apparently finding it)

Witz: I'm gonna go check on the shuttles...


TIME PASSES -- It's now 2:30pm

The rush that was predicted and prepared for has never come. Only a few tens of cars are parked in the lot. Conversation is still running strong, however, and Curt is on point.

Curt: So is HBO the best then?

Witz: Well, I think so-- but I think it's making regular television better, too.

Mike: You know what I like is that L&O-- you know Law & Order, that's a good show. That's what television needs more of.

Witz: You think there should be MORE Law & Orders?

Mike: You don't?

Witz: .....have you seen Dexter? It's about a blood spatter analyst who's also a serial killer.

Curt: HA!

Mike: Is that one of those NCI's? or CSIS's?

Witz: No, it's called Dexter.

Mike: I like that Boston Legal. They don't try and...you know, realize it. Make it real. They make it over the top.

Witz: (makes an arm wrestling motion. Is met with silence.) Cool.

Curt: Hey, whattya think of that Grey's Anatomy (I swear he asked me this)? Is that show-- that show's not real good, right?

Witz: (Feeling like he was just told that a "friend" of Curt's has red bumps "down there") Yeah, well I've seen some with my girlfriend, you know, and it started ok, but that show is terrible writing. I mean, it's kinda entertaining, but it's terrible WRITING.

Curt: Hm. That's what I thought.

Mike: The Wire! That's what I was trying to think of.

Witz: I didn't know you were trying to think of anything.

Mike: You grew up in Baltimore, right?

Witz: Connecticut.

Mike: Was it like in The Wire?

Witz: The Wire takes place in Baltimore...

Mike: That show's real good. I watched the first seasons on DVD, but then I don't get the HBO so I couldn't watch that on the tv, so I watched the reruns on the B.E.T. which was fine except you have to put up with the commercials.

Witz: (seriously, just trying to bond) What, like all the ringtones commercials and, like, awkwardly hip Sears commercials with African Americans in them?

Mike: No, I mean, instead of on the DVD.

Witz: (pause) Yeah, I wanna see The Wire, too.


COMMERCIAL BREAK:
Let's take some time to wonder where Lonelygirl15 is right now, while Witz is picking number 200. Who cares, right? Witz wins. Eat it LonelyGirl15.

ONE HOUR LATER

Witz: Of course Roger Clemens did steroids! But whatever! Everyone's saying, "that informant guy is too skeazy to be trusted," but skeazy Brian McNamee is saying, "I'm skeazy and I've lied, but Roger Clemens did steroids." You can't call the skeazy guy skeazy when he's telling YOU that he's skeazy!

Pause, Witz is panting from his rant...

Mike: I like that Sammy Sosa. I don't know why, I just like 'im.

Suddenly a car pulls into the lot-- finally, action! It's time for the S.E.P.'s to strike into action. A middle aged businessman sits in the front seat with a suit on. He slowly drives up to the entrance.

Curt: Look at this joker.

Mike: Are you here for the School Event?

Business Professional: Uh, yes.

Curt: Go ahead in...

And the car pulls away. What the hell?? That's it? That was our action. They retreat back to their "at east" positions.

Witz: I just don't think you should have said, "School Event." You gave him the answer, you should have made HIM say it.

Mike: Relax, rook. (he doesn't really call me rook, but I always wanted to be called rook)

Curt: Guy was clearly here for the event.

Witz: But you're police-- you could have done SOME police work.

Mike: We're no desk jockeys. Let em sort the paperwork out later.

VERY disappointed, Witz sits down.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
This is what Witz sounded throughout history:
-That's rad
-That's so dope
-That's wicked cool
-That's so butter
-Simply en fuego
-That's hella cool
-That's mad cool
-That's so wack
-That's bunk
-That's sick
-Bros before hos...
-Gank that sign (CT meaning, not NJ)
-Boost that sign
-Steal that sign
-18 means I can go to jail
-Don't get it twisted
-I think I got it twisted
-...nevermind
-That's feeble
-Poor Bowl!
-Good Bowl!
-Awesome
-Sick
-Cool


ONE HOUR LATER:

It's 3:30-- the event is over in 30 minutes and the SEP's will be leaving as the event moves to a different location. The lot will still be open until late so people can leave, but it will no longer be an action site. It will no longer need attending.

Curt: What I really like is directing traffic-- that's an adrenaline rush, being all, "you go, you go, you go" and waving your arms around. That's my favorite thing we do.

Mike: I was doin' a tour with some high school kids in the elephant museum, you know, and they were real unattentive. You could tell they didn't wanna be there and it's tough to talk to them when they're like that. The standup comics, you know, they talk about dying on stage, well, when it's like that, I know what they mean-- I've died out there.

It's just about at this point that figure out that all afternoon while Mike has been saying "tour," I've been thinking he's using it like in the army, but in actuality, he gives tours at a local museum to school kids.

Mike: Those elephants, they can get moving. Like a Buick heading straight at you.

Curt: I bet.

I glance at my watch that reads 3:42, and just as I'm about to take off early, a car pulls up, hesitates, and pulls in. It's a flashy sports car with spinners and the driver looks vastly underdressed and young.

Witz: I got this one, guys. (I pull my Stunner Shades out of my pocket and put them on)

Mike: What are those?

Witz: They're my sunglasses...

Curt: Ha!

PARKING HOPEFUL is a young athletic kid.

Parking Hopeful: Yeah, can I park here?

Witz: What are you here for? (I glance back over my shoulder at Curt and smile a litle.

Parking Hopeful: I got practice.

Witz: (oh hell yeah) Practice, huh?

Parking Hopeful: That's right.

Witz: How long's the practice?

Parking Hopeful: 2 hours.

I take a second and pull my head back from the car. I sigh heavily and take a look at the lot, making the kid wait. Then, I slowly pull off my shades, put my hands on the rolled down window and lean in so I can lower my voice.

Witz: Ya know what? This is for School Event parking-- but why don't you go ahead and park and I won't say anything. (in retrospect, it might have sounded like I was hitting on him)

Parking Success Story: Cool.

Parking Success Story Who Probably Thinks I Wanted to Blow Him pulls into the lot and parks. I walk back towards the SEP's and put back on my shades. Without saying a word, I line up next to them and the three of us look out at the street in unison behind out lenses. Special Events Police? I may not wear the badge...if they even have badges...which they don't...it's more of a color scheme accented by a devil-may-care attitude...but for one day at least, I was one of them.

CC,
Witz