Witz DOESN'T Pick: Ruining Homelessness

Today, I have a sweet new "Ripped from the headlines" edition of Witz Pickz. If it works for Law & Order (L&O) then it will certainly work for me.

I was browsing cnn.com when I came upon this article. Apparently, in Philadelphia, a marathon runner, while training, would run by hundreds of homeless people everyday at her 5:00am run. Allegedly, they would cheer her on as she ran by...because I think that's been all of our experience with the homeless-- they cheer for us while we work to improve ourselves. After a while, like all people who think they know what's best for everyone, she stopped and thought, "Why am I running past these guys? I'm moving my life forward every day -- and these guys are standing in the same spot." Now, everyone I've ever known who ran seriously has frightened me with the possibility of making me run with them. They always want to make other people understand the joys of running. Usually, though, this means friends, family, acquaintances, but in this special instance, this woman decided that she wanted to make the homeless run with her. She contacted the shelter, got donations of running gear, and started the "Back On Your Feet" program.

The "Back On Your Feet" program is meant to get people staying at shelters to stay sober and start running. The double entendre is pleasant enough, but to me, the program should be called, "Ruining Homelessness." They have to wake up at 5am to go for a run from 5:30-6am together. Fortunately, nobody has better nutrition and energy supplies than homeless people, so there are no health concerns and surely the spent energy won't make them hungrier throughout the day.

Apparently, other people run with them as well, leading to this quote: "All you can tell is who's the fastest," says Mahlum. "You can't tell who's homeless and who's not." I have a couple qualms here. First, YOU CAN'T TELL WHO'S HOMELESS AND WHO'S NOT?? I'm hoping strictly for the non-homeless that you might be able to make some slight distinction. Because if this lady is really talking about the street homeless and not like, the Upper-Middle Class Homeless, there are some pretty straightforward signs. If the guy jogging next to you has a monster beard, a vacant expression, and his t-shirt has, "I'd Rather Be Begging" written on it, you're running next to a homeless guy. My other problem is that probably one of the worst things that could happen to me in my life would be to run slower than a homeless person. No offense at all the the homeless, but if I can't manage to maintain speed and distance versus someone who is underfed, has a tough sleep location, and moves around very little, then I've lost.

But more than all that, the best parts of being homeless are the sleeping whenever and the lack of responsibility. "Back On Your Feet" takes those from them and instead makes everybody do what she wants-- run. You know who else had a program like this? Andrew Jackson. What if The Trail of Tears had been marketed as, "Back On Your Feet For A Long While"? Exactly.

"Kenya: Running 26.2 Miles From Their Problems" (Onion Headline),
Witz