Witz Pickz: Dose Corazones

12 Corazones:
There comes a moment in everyone's life when they find themselves sitting on the couch, tired of flipping channels, watching Telemundo. On the rare occasion, this happens to someone who speaks spanish. Much more often, however, it happens to someone like me, who doesn't speak spanish, and relies primarily on cognates and intonation to piece together the mysterious plot. On Monday night, exhausted and bored, I found myself on Telemundo, trying to figure out what "12 Corazones" was all about-- and thank goodness I did. "12 Corazones (12 hearts-- which I knew because one is a number and the other is the name of a venue in Seattle with a heart logo-- also, it looks like "calzones" and I LOVE me a calzone) is basically Spanish Love Connection. Or Spanish The Dating Game. Only in THIS Love Connection, crraaaaaazzzzyyy shit happens. When I turned it on, a man was answering a question from one of the girls. Everyone seemed pleased, the host appeared to mock him, and then they all sat back down. That is until the host tapped one of the girls on the leg, she grabbed another girl from the lineup and with some excited words from the host, dance music started playing a A POLE APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE on the dance floor. The girls began dancing with each other and the pole and then two of the three guys came bombing in on the dance floor and started grinding with them-- well not exactly grinding-- it was clear that there was a strip club-like policy of no ACTUAL touching, which made it kind of awkward, but also hilarious. More on this later. So they all grind furiously for about 2 minutes and then the show continues. Unlike American programming, there is no commercial break to ease through the transition-- they just go right on like nothing happened.

Next, more questions are asked (I think), the host mocks some more people (it seemed), and a couple of the uglier people go home for no apparent reason. When they get down to a few women and the same 3 guys, a girl asks a guy if she is his corazon. The chick looks like The Grudge, so he says "No." Aaaand she's off the show. Thanks for playing. This happens again and then it is down to 3 women and 3 men. One of the men is clearly more attractive, limber, dance-tastic, tall, cocky, and lame-- so he's the one they're all giggling over. Another is VERY tiny, like maybe he survives on berries and hair gel. HE plays up the charm, and it appears to be kind of accepted in a "little brother" sort of way. Finally, there's a guy who looks half Indian, half hispanic. He's the worst dancer (he's the one who DIDN'T join in with the pole), the most awkward, and the quietest. He's decently attractive, and I notched him in the #2 spot...which isn't anything like how that just sounded (sure, I could delete that while typing, but the mis-hap is so much more amusing). The time has come. The least attractive girl goes to the tiny, least attractive guy and asks if she is his corazon.
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"Si!" He says, and that's when THEY MAKE OUT ON THE DANCE FLOOR. Like make out make out. Lots of tongue, ass-grabbing, and chest smooshing. Apparently the stripper rules are out the window once someone says that after a few questions and awkward dancing, you rule each other's heart. They go off to the side, happily.

Next, the second most attractive girl goes to ask the #2 guy. She asks him in spanish if she is his corazon. "Yes, you are my corazon," he replies IN ENGLISH! For one brief instant, I thought I had osmotically learned spanish and was translating quickly without thinking. One brief instant later, I realized that wasn't the case as they pecked each other on the cheek shyly and the host rattled off another slew of words I didn't know.

Finally, Cool Guy Corazon stands up while Vastly Superior Looks To Any of Her Competition Corazon Woman looks him over and makes him twirl around. She says that basically, money is what a guy needs to have. Oh yeah-- it's important to note that by this point, I had gotten My Friend Formerly With A Pool on the phone and he was translating for me. So she's into money. Also, he's the last guy. Also, he's the hot/lame guy. They're the #1's.

She asks him if she is his corazon. He remains stoic for a minute and she almost looks concerned before, "SI!" he says and goes for the goods. They start making out like crazy while the host excitedly talks about the end of the show. They are literally on camera for like 2 minutes just going at it until the credits roll and she goes off to buy the morning after pill. Nuts.

Needless to say, I have two episodes taped for me at home today.

Uno Corazon,
Witz