Witz DOESN'T Pick: Television Your DVR Would Refuse

The local news has lost its goddamn mind. Don't get me wrong, it's always been bad, but the news I've seen in the last couple weeks has been stunning. Even Lenny's like, "This isn't news, George!"

While watching the news back home in Connecticut, they warmed us up with this little tragedy: Bally Total Fitness gym closing in Hamden! BOOM! Write your local congressman. Not ALL the gyms, just this one club. Now, I know what you're thinking and YES, their memberships will be accepted at other Bally Total Fitness clubs, but NO, there is not a convenient location nearby.



Once they had us on the edge of seats, terrified of what mild inconvenience could next beset us, they dropped this doozie on the viewers: It's rainy outside. Furthermore, it HAS BEEN rainy recently. It's important to note this wasn't part of the weather report, but the actual NEWS. And it was part of the news because this rain led to things like The Strawberry Festival being moved inside.

"Do you think the change of location will hurt the festival?"
"Probably."
"What will happen if that is the case?"
"We will have a lot of leftover strawberries..."

Jesus.

The weather also led to people walking in the rain, as they so diligently showed us footage of not one, but three separate people walking hurriedly and without joy. One woman took a moment longer in the rain to inform the news that, "I was going to take my kids to the pool, but I guess we'll have to go shopping or something." A woman lost in this world. Another woman, though not an expert alleged that, "There are only so many days in the summer, and this rain has been going on for too long." The somber reporter needed add no more to the story. Instead, she simply declared, "From the Buckland Hills Mall in Manchester, I'm Useless."

At the gym yesterday, I found that it's no longer just the local news bringing us the hard hitting stories. CNN couldn't help but tell me that, "Scary Giant Squids Off the Coast of California!" Listen CNN, why don't you go ahead and tell me that there are giant squids nearby, and I'll go ahead and decide to be scared or not. I bet Anderson Cooper wouldn't think they're scary. I bet Anderson Cooper would have given that story the headline, "Giant Squid Not As Badass As Anderson Cooper." Just because Wolf Blitzer's scared of giant squids doesn't mean I'm not going swimming. I'm scared of spiders, but I wouldn't tell people, "Scary Barely Distinguishable Petite Spider On Wall In Bathroom!" Just gimme the facts, I promise we don't have the same opinions.

It's not just the news, and it's not even just the shows (which we won't get into right now). Let's talk about this "Orphan" movie. I wrote a while back that you shouldn't make certain things scary. You shouldn't make Christmas scary. It's unnecessary to make Mist scary. I'm thinkin' orphans probably fall in that category as well. Who thought, "You know who doesn't have it bad enough? ORPHANS!" and went ahead to write a horror movie where an orphan child joins a family and then kills stuff? I'm sure orphans have a hard enough time getting adopted without unnecessary fear being instilled in our culture (also, when I first started writing this, I had no problem writing "orphan," but now that I'm writing it a lot, it sounds like it might be a derogatory word. "Familialy Deficient?" "Soloists?" Is there a better word or is this not a thing?)

As it turns out, other people share this thought process. Also on CNN the other day, I saw that a group of activists are "FURIOUS" over the film and what it could mean for the Oliver Twists. While my initial thought process is, "Don't make orphans scary," I was suddenly against this group making a huge deal out of the movie. It just suddenly occurred to me that the people going to see "Orphan" proooobably aren't the same people looking to adopt. AND, even if they were looking to adopt, they probably shouldn't be adopting a child, kitten, or highway, if they were scared off by a horror movie. "You know, honey, I was all for adopting, but did you see what that fictional child did? She pretended to be an orphan and then killed people! What if they happens to us? Anyway, something to think about while we drive within 5 miles of our home."

TV Might Be Dumb, But I'm Still the Idiot Watching,
Witz

Photo courtesy of Nitro