Sunday, July 04, 2010

Witz Flickz: Obsessed

I don't know if this is a cautionary tale of how your Saturday night can suddenly take a dramatically sad turn or if it's an uplifting anecdote demonstrating the joyously unpredictable road of life, but instead of going out tonight like I planned, I am lying in my bed, preparing to watch Obsessed on Netflix Instant Viewing for your future enjoyment.

I NEVER planned on seeing this movie, until a fortuitous series of details came to my attention: a friend mentioned that Ali Larter was (to her detriment) in the movie, I noticed that both Idris Elba (of The Wire and oddly, The Office) and Beyonce are in the movie, and the movie was made available immediately for free. So, sit back, relax, and follow me on this erotic-thrillcoaster (also the nickname I have for my twin bed).

0 min: While the credits are rolling, let's talk about how the movie's tagline is "All's fair when love is war." That might be proper english and seem like it's clever, but...that doesn't actually MEAN anything, right? Just somethin' to think about...

1 min: Apparently, the movie couldn't afford capital letters in the credit sequence. Also, I don't know who "Scout Taylor Compton" is, but if that isn't a stage name, I don't know what is.

2 min: Idris Elba aka King Driis aka Stringer Bell and Beyonce are buying a house. This might be a good time to say what I know about the movie. All I know is that Idris Elba and Beyonce are married, and Ali Larter comes in and tries to seduce him, which leads to violence, threats, and sex. Jack McBrayer (Kenneth the Paige) basically explained the marketing best in Forgetting Sarah Marshall: "I like when they mix the sex and the violence."

4 min: Enter Ali Larter in the elevator. I heard they were originally going to call the movie, "The Black Crush," but were worried people would think it was a "Blue Crush" sequel. They should be so lucky.

5 min:
Ali Larter: I hate to shatter the illusion, but I'm a temp.
Idris Elba: A temp? I would never have guessed a temp.

Ali Larter then inexplicably drops all the shit she was carrying. Like, her arms just gave out. I absolutely would have said, "Ohhhhh, now I see. Is that, like, a condition? Are you like the Jim Abbott of temping?" I guess that's why I'm not being stalked by Ali Larter...

7 min: I don't know what this guy does, but everyone's wearing bluetooths (teeth?), so I know it's important.

8 min: Whoah! When did Jerry O'Connell slide into this movie?

9 min: "I think you mean temp-tress!" No, we get it, movie, but thanks.

10 min: Man, I wish I was good looking enough to get away with this:
"I'm Lisa, by the way."
"Hi, Lisa By-the-way. I'm Derrick."

"Hi, remember me?"
"Lisa By-the-way, right?"
"I'm impressed."

I guess when you have a winner, you stick with it. You Witz Pickz...right?

12 min: Beyonce is wearing what can only be described as a hair condom. When Derek asks about it, she's like, "It's so people can't see my Halo. I was constantly being told how visible it was."

15 min: I don't care if it's a movie or not, if I was Jay-Z, I'd make the director put me as the stand-in for every partial nudity scene with Beyonce. And if the director asked why, he could be all, "It's so necessary."

18 min: Sharon (Beyonce) meets Lisa. It's unnecessarily tense and she is pissssed. Is this a racial thing? I think I need to go watch some Chris Rock stand-up so I can understand the dynamics at play.

20 min: I don't know how this is possible, but I definitely look cooler listening to "American Boy" in my station wagon then Idris Elba does tapping his hands on the steering wheel of his mercedes.

22 min: Lisa bonds with Derrick's old assistant, who's a gay white guy. "If you think you can pump me for information over a couple of're RIGHT," he says, striking a mischievous pose. I think I just figured out why Prop 8 passed. I can't figure out if this movie is trying to break down stereotypes or re-enforce them.

25 min: Things we didn't hear Jerry O'Connell say in Sliders: "I'd pick up that slack. That is one smokin' hot piece of ass."

Thing I assume was a line in The Wire as well as this movie: "Oh no, dude, I'm not in the game anymore. I'm retired and coaching."

26 min: Lisa and Derek are IM flirting! FINALLY, something I can connect with. Now here's everything wrong with it: 1) his screenname is "derek01." Did he graduate something in '01? Are there lots of Derek's on this IM platform, and if so, how do you remember who is derek01 and who is derek 02, 03, 04? 2) You're the Executive Vice-President of a seemingly major business firm. Why the fuck are you IMing and is your shift key broke, homie? How about some capitalization, and how much respect can you possibly expect when you use "luv," "thanx," and "get back '2' work."??

29 min: Ali Larter orders a dirty martini. "Make it filthy," she says. I can't believe she's able to drink anything what with that dead horse lying there.

31 min: At the office Christmas party (but not The Office Christmas party), Derek says, "A beer, three martinis AND tequila? No, I don't think so." Dude, you're 6'2'', 200+ pounds, and your nickname is DJ Big Driis. Drink the tequila.

32 min: Lisa's big plan involves getting Derek under the mistletoe, but it turns out that dangling plants aren't legally binding (in stark contrast to "dangling your plant" which can have very serious legal consequences). She does have a Plan B though, which is a little more extreme, in that Plan B is to RAPE HIM IN THE MEN'S BATHROOM WHILE HE'S PEEING. It's an awkward few minutes as she grinds up against him while he fights her off without trying to attract attention from outside the stall. I would actually say it most resembles my ex-roommate's cat molesting me in bed.

39 min: Lisa's lookin' so crazy right now-- lookin' so crazy in love. She hops into Derek's car unexpectedly wearing a trenchcoat (bomb or bombs?) and apologizes for the whole sexual assault thing. She then says she can't forget it and whips open her coat to reveal...lingerie. Sorry, but once you go whipped cream bikini, everything else is kind of a letdown.

41 min: Derek rejects her and she flips out. When is Hiro going to show up to mediate this whole thing?

42 min: Derek goes home to tell his wife what happened. He gets out, "I have something to tell you," but she cuts him off and says that she was just on the phone with her sister, who's husband has been cheating on her with a woman from work. What an excruciatingly coincidental event! "What were you going to tell me?" at which point he shoulda been like, "That's like Deja Vu (featuring Jay-Z)," but instead he goes all Beautiful Liar (featuring Shakira) and tells her she's Irreplacable and he would never do that.

44 min: Lisa quits, but Derek wants to do exactly what Stringer Bell would do-- report her to HR. Unfortunately, his last female assistant was Beyonce, so it might look bad. Apparently, temping is the new eHarmony.

46 min: Christmas morning and Beyonce's gifts appear to be a laptop cooling fan and a novelty sized nalgene.

48 min: Lisa sends Derek an email with a flirty picture of herself. It opens a whole bunch of times for some reason, and there's a tense race to close them all before Beyonce turns around and sees them. Anyone else kinda want to watch The Net, right now?

49 min: He emails Lisa to leave him alone and she replies immediately. It's supposed to be creepy, but like, she's unemployed. I take about the same response time.

50 min: "Speaking of Sharon, I told her I'd call before she puts Kyle down." I've been hearing people say this more and more and I think it's really weird to use the same language to talk about putting a child to bed and to euthanize an animal. One of these days, I'm going to have an annoying kid and my wife's going to say we should "Put our kid down," and I'll say I was thinking the same thing and then come trash day I'm gonna look like the bad guy.

51 min: How is there an hour left in this movie??

52 min: Lisa tracks Derek down during their office retreat and pours some roofies in his drink. You kind of have to admire this girl's dedication. Also, don't drink and watch Obsessed at 1 a.m. or you have thoughts like, "I don't think anyone loves me as much as Ali Larter loves Idris Elba in this movie."

53 min: Derek stumbles back to his room, falls on his bed, and the bathroom door opens. I'm hoping it's Omar, ready to pop out, gun him down, and end the movie, but it's Lisa (I promise that's the last The Wire reference-- I just finally started watching, am halfway through the second season, and am excited to be on the inside at last), lingerie-d and ready to sleep-assault. Meanwhile, I've never even been thrown a surprise party...

58 min: Every bat in the world must have empty bowels, because all the batshit on the planet is going towards this one girl's crazy. She threatens to tell "the truth" to everyone, and then OD's on pills while naked in Derek's hotel room, so she has to go to the hospital. Beyonce finds out what's been going on, doesn't believe Derek, blah blah blah...

65 min: Is it too far into the jokes to note that this is a lot like Othello?

67 min: Now that I've made an Othello reference, can I call it "Fatal Black-ttraction"?

75 min: The detective woman seems to believe Derek even though all evidence is to the contrary. Lisa has a sexy journal (the content is the description of graphic sexual liasons-- the journal itself is not unusually arousing), and is allegedly taken back to San Francisco by her sister. I knew she seemed familiar.

78 min: There's an extended How Derek Got His Groove Back montage as he tries to reconcile with Beyonce.

80 min: Hey babysitters, if you're on the job, in a rich person's house and the the doorbell rings, go ahead and ignore it. You ain't gettin' a super secret free pizza.

84 min:

Babysitter: You just missed your friend...
Beyonce: What friend?
Babysitter: You know, your friend Kate?
Beyonce: I don't know a Kate.

What?? She HAS to know a Kate. I know at least eight Kate's, and even if I didn't, I'd probably take more than one second before I ruled it out. Anyway, the moral of the story is that Lisa stole their son. Don't worry Derek, I know where your son is:

94 min: Lisa waits for Beyonce to leave, breaks into their house again, and starts going through all their stuff. Man, this girl is obsessed.

95 min: Part of me still thinks this might all be an elaborate Icing.

96 min: Beyonce comes back to the house, finds Lisa, and confronts her. Beyonce says, "You are completely delusional!" and then promptly turns her back to Lisa. They fight, and Beyonce must have had the theater audience (there had to be at least one, right?) cheering, but then decides her best move is to grab Lisa's leg and drag her, which, as all children who've wrestled know, will always lead to a kick in the face. They chase each other to the attic, Lisa falls through the ceiling, and as she plummets two stories into the WWF-style, fatefully placed coffee table, she probably thinks, "This is California, why didn't you build a raaaaaammmmblllleeeeerrrrrr!!!!"

105 min: It's been one-hundred and five painful minutes, and yet, the movie still manages to surprise me by ending ON A FREEZE FRAME FADE OUT. Classy. I guess they couldn't afford the star-wipe. Meanwhile, the Beyonce song with the lyrics, "I want to run...and smash into you..." awkwardly serenades over the credits, obvlivious of the last hour and a half. It's going to be tough for any of these people to take a worse role, but I'm all for trying to get Ali Larter to make a reality tv show entitled, "Larter Than Life." Look for it on Bravo this Fall.

I Made It the Entire Movie Without Making a "Single Ladies" Reference,

BONUS FOOTAGE: This is baffling. King Driis...

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