Google
 

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Witz Pickz: What the F*ck Are Silly Bandz


The other day, while walking along the street with C-Murder, I was introduced to Silly Bandz. They were being sold by some vendor on the sidewalk.

C-MURDER: I wish I'd invented Silly Bandz.
ME: What the hell are Silly Bandz?
C-MURDER: They're the cool new shit all the kids are into.
ME: What are they?
C-MURDER: Like, rubber bands in different shapes.
ME: That's it?
C-MURDER: Yeah.
ME: Wait, so of anything you could have invented in this hypothetical, you wish you had invented Silly Bandz?
C-MURDER: Eh, shut up.

Have you heard of these things, because I definitely had not. Apparently, the new hotness is these rubber bands shaped like all kinds of things: animals, dinosaurs, cars, miscellaneous symbols, sports object, and on and on. They are selling MILLIONS of them and at $4.95 per pack, are grossing an estimated $200 million a year. Now, I remember Slap Wraps, the cool, crazy, massively ill-advised, lawsuit worthy, wrist accessory of the early 90's that introduced children to both fashion AND wrist-slitting. Those probably seemed dumb to people, but at least they made sense-- they were action packed and had distinguishable designs. When you put a Silly Band on your arm, it doesn't matter what it was BEFORE, they just become colored (sorry, African-American) rubber bands.

So, like...HOW DUMB HAVE KIDS GOTTEN? I mean...they're RUBBER BANDS-- which are basically one step up from the "Bag O' Glass" toy from the SNL sketches. There has to be something more to this trend, you know, like Mardi Gras beads or tear drop tattoos. Maybe if you own the "Western Pack" it means you shot three Latin Kings.



Then again, maybe they're just a depression era throwback toy-- when bottle caps and jacks were enough to occupy an afternoon. As my roommate, Kid Fitted, said, "I see them more as a return to form. 'Fuck PSP, I want a rubber band shaped like a giraffe on my arm.'"

Either way, Silly Bandz are going to end the same way Slap Wraps did: with a major lawsuit. They're rubber bands. They cut off circulation if they're too tight, and you just know, somewhere in America, there is a little kid who's going to go to sleep with their Silly Bandz on and wake up in need of an amputated limb (which is my fifth greatest fear after snakes, spiders, deep water, and my inevitable return to office work).

Now, as proven many times before in my hard hitting investigative reports based primarily on wikipedia entries, I'm no fly by night journalist. I decided I needed to try and understand these children, so I took the liberty of reading all of the letters from children posted on the silly bandz site. Here's what I learned:

1) They're still teaching cursive in school. I have no idea why, since there are only two times I ever have had to write in cursive. The first time was to copy some paragraph saying I wouldn't cheat on the SAT's (which was one of the harder parts of the SAT's), and to sign my name. Why does cursive have the lockdown on signatures, anyway? Does it even matter, given that few signatures actually look like actual letters? Maybe it's time to teach kids spanish and skip the extraneous font styles. It's like teaching kids how to write in Book Antiqua.

2) Kids are goddamn enthusiastic which can be used for great good or great evil. Take "Greysen S" for example. On the one hand, he's being creative. On the other hand, he's spending time thinking up new rubber band bracelets for someone else to make so he can buy them.


Yikes, Greyson, yikes. This is why you're buying Silly Bandz and not selling Greysen Bandz. Also, if you go through the letters, you'll notice that nearly every child has one idea that can only be described as a "sword penis."

Target Audience:
Erin, of Ohio says (not altered), "The reason why I like Silly Bandz is because there not just bracelets and rubber bands they are bracelets that turn into animals and peace signs! I think that is so neat and smart to think of that idea." I look forward to seeing Erin in a drum circle at Golden Gate Park in about fifteen years.

This is what happens when you combine Silly Bandz with ADHD:


I want the kid from Friday Night Lights and The Blind Side to read that letter so badly! Also, bad news, Connor, but you won't be getting any silly necklaces.

"What about the silly necklaces makes them silly?"
"Oh, well, they strangle you."

I decided to conclude my research with an interview...with my sister, Switz...who teaches elementary school kids and works with young gymnasts, too:

ME: What can you tell me about Silly Bandz?
SWITZ: They are the SHIT if you're in elementary school. They're the latest craze.
ME: That's what I'm learning.
SWITZ: Yeah, all the kids at school/gym wear them-- they wear like 50 at a time.
ME: But when you wear them, they all look the same, right??
SWITZ: Yeah, it's like wearing an entire box of colored rubber bands.
ME: And what about regular colored rubber bands?


(regular colored rubber bands)
vs
(silly bandz)


SWITZ: Not cool.
ME: Still not cool.
SWITZ: Nope. The silly bandz all take the shape of things. Even though half of them look like nothing distinguishable and the other half look mildly obscene.



ME: I've noticed.
SWITZ: How did you hear about them?
ME: I saw them being sold on the street by one of the guys who usually sells fake DVDs.
SWITZ: Sounds about right.

Right on cue, Borders sent me a coupon for Silly Bandz this morning. I might not understand them, but one thing's for sure, just like pogs, beanie babies, M.A.S.K., Sky Commanders, Erector Sets, Popples, and laser discs, Silly Bandz are here to stay.

Wearing Over 20 Silly Bandz Stands For Your Parents Spending Too Much Money on Bullshit Toys,
Witz

21 comments:

MF Jim said...

Don't you DARE disparage Sky Commanders. I spent 4% of my childhood winding their wrist cables back up.

Anonymous said...

silly bandz are awesome
just because you dont like them doesnt mean that other kids shouldnt
learn some manners will ya

bernard said...

Great and fantastic blog. I am interested very much in the subject matter of your blog, it’s my first visit. I like very much your way of presentation. I am so much interested to join your network. Thanks for sharing this post. Keep blogging.
Buy Silly Bandz

Anonymous said...

Woah! I'm really digging the template/theme of this site. It's simple, yet effective.
A lot of times it's difficult to get that "perfect balance" between user friendliness and visual appearance. I must say you've done a
awesome job with this. Additionally, the blog loads
super quick for me on Safari. Outstanding Blog!
My web site ... EMT Requirements

Anonymous said...

I am sure this article has touched all the internet people, its
really really fastidious post on building up new web site.
Also visit my blog : income

Anonymous said...

First of all I want to say great blog! I had a quick question that I'd like to ask if you don't mind.

I was interested to know how you center yourself and clear your head prior to writing.
I've had difficulty clearing my mind in getting my ideas out. I truly do enjoy writing however it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes are usually lost simply just trying to figure out how to begin. Any ideas or hints? Appreciate it!
My web site - Cheap Fish Food

Anonymous said...

Hi this is kinda of off topic but I was wondering if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually
code with HTML. I'm starting a blog soon but have no coding knowledge so I wanted to get advice from someone with experience. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Here is my web-site : t-mobile

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

You are so awesome! I don't suppose I've truly
read through a single thing like this before. So good to find somebody with some unique thoughts on this subject matter.
Really.. thanks for starting this up. This web site is one
thing that is required on the web, someone
with a little originality!
Here is my weblog : zeolite benefits

Anonymous said...

May I simply say what a relief to find a person that actually knows what they're discussing on the internet. You certainly realize how to bring a problem to light and make it important. A lot more people must check this out and understand this side of your story. I can't
believe you aren't more popular since you certainly possess the gift.
Check out my blog post :: penilarge

Anonymous said...

Hi! Do you know if they make any plugins to safeguard against
hackers? I'm kinda paranoid about losing everything I've worked
hard on. Any suggestions?

Also visit my blog post :: buy comments on youtube

Anonymous said...

Howdy exceptional blog! Does running a blog similar to this require
a massive amount work? I have absolutely no knowledge of
coding but I had been hoping to start my own blog in the near
future. Anyways, should you have any suggestions or tips for new blog owners please
share. I understand this is off topic nevertheless I just needed to ask.
Kudos!

Here is my homepage :: cheapest youtube views

Anonymous said...

I'm very pleased to find this great site. I need to to thank you for your time for this particularly fantastic read!! I definitely liked every little bit of it and I have you book-marked to check out new things on your web site.

my webpage - jnmassage.info

Anonymous said...

Pretty! This has been an extremely wonderful post.
Thank you for supplying this information.

Also visit my web-site; chat girls

Anonymous said...

If you want to take much from this article
then you have to apply such strategies to your won website.


Feel free to visit my website - http://www.babesflick.com/video/23303/blonde-grandmother-loves-doggy-style-outdoor.html

Anonymous said...

hermes handbags 2015

I am sure this article has touched all the internet visitors, its really really pleasant piece of writing
on building up new webpage.

Anonymous said...

Can you use blogs for inbound links? I was told by a friend that they work well
but can't tell if they are still goodpost panda

My blog post: seo companies

Anonymous said...

I have to thank you for the efforts you've put in penning this blog.

I am hoping to check out the same high-grade content from you later on as well.
In fact, your creative writing abilities has motivated me to get my own website now ;)

my weblog goji actives resenha

Anonymous said...

You choose one of these classes when you create your
first character in Rift. What happened to the Golden State
Warriors on Wednesday has not happened to them in over 15
years. is a service or product of Icon that is primarily
sold at large fitness outlets and big box stores like
Sears and Sam's Club.

Here is my web page :: mini warriors hack (http://youulike.com/blogs/317736/1041793/a-background-in-root-criteria-in)