Witz Pickz: The Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt

Holy fucking hell yeah shit wow! Have you heard about the new Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt from Friendly's?? I was sent an email from my friend, Jocelyn Davies, and I'm using her real name because she's about to be a published author and you should all read her book, "A Beautiful Dark," when it comes out in 2011 (you will have approximately one year to read it). The email was simply a link and the words, "You're welcome." There are a few ways to take this:

1) You're welcome for providing you with blog fodder.
2) You're welcome for introducing you to potentially the most delicious food item of all time.
3) You're welcome for providing you with, essentially, an acceptable, painless form of euthanasia. If things really bottom out for me, forget slit wrists, strong light fixtures, or tough NYC handgun licenses, I'm just gonna sit down in a Friendly's booth, place my credit card on the table and say, "Keep 'em comin."



Apparently, the guy who named "The Fribble" (which is a double-thick milkshake which arrives at regular thickness because it takes forever) and the "Happy Ending Sundae" (which is a hot fudge sundae with a handjob at the end) is on strict union rules to only name desserts and the Fishamajig* guy got laid off, so The Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt is exactly what the name suggests: a hamburger with a grilled cheese on either side, acting as the bun. This thing makes the KFC Double Down look like a healthy option.


(it also looks like two orthodox jewish pieces of chicken having sex through a cheese sheet)

Legend has it that the Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt was invented by a death row inmate, just before he was sent to the electric chair. He was asked what he wanted as his last meal and he said, "I'd like fries, and a pickle, and hamburger, and a grilled cheese-- hell-- TWO grilled cheeses." The guards weren't having it and replied, "You killed a dozen people in cold blood-- you only get ONE main course!" Well, you don't get away with killing twelve people before getting caught without being creative, so he figured out a loophole and thus the Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt was created......but, personally, I think it was just made by fat people for fat people.



This sucker clocks in around 1500 calories (which isn't THAT MUCH, if you think about it), 101g of carbs, and 2090mg of sodium (!!). On Day Two, God ate a Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt and then sweated (and I have to assume you will sweat when you eat one of these), and his sweat became the oceans.

For the sake of my 70's existing, I'm not sure I'll ever eat one of these, but I fully intend on ordering one, and here's why: I love grilled cheese. Unfortunately, while a grilled cheese probably costs about fifty cents to make, you can't buy one for less than 5 dollars, and one grilled cheese is rarely enough. One of my favorite meals is the two grilled cheese and fries/tater tots meal, made available to me by my high school and college cafeteria.

After calling Friendly's and asking how much the Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt costs (which is an awkward phone call to make-- that's how dedicated a journalist I am), I was shocked to find that it regularly costs $8.49 (including fries and a pickle/coleslaw), but is on special for $5!! For five dollars, I can get TWO grilled cheeses, fries, and a pickle (who wants my coleslaw?), AND have a meatwad leftover which I can keep in my pocket and eat like an apple if anyone questions my manliness or tries to mug me (nobody fucks with a guy with meat in his pocket. Nobody).


(photo courtesy of Nitro)

Lost in all this hype is the sad decline of the bun. It must have started right around the time the Atkins Diet got popular, and Taco Bell's slogan became, "Think outside the bun," which I always took to mean, "Find a creative place to poop-- you just ate Taco Bell in public." Then KFC started picking up steam, Subway started making wraps, McDonald's introduced salads, and bun stocks have plummeted (I dunno, maybe). But, I mean, really, what does the bun have going for it? Sesame seeds? Wooooo, sesame...seeds...yeah. It's their own damn fault.

I Dare You to Go to Friendly's on a Weekday and Ask For a, "Happy Ending Wednesday,"
Witz


Seriously? There's nothing phallic about this? Realllly??


*We used to have a fun time asking a) what kind of fish was in the fishamajig and b) what part of the fish is the "majig." I think the answer to both was usually, "You don't want to know," or, "I'd suggest getting the grilled chicken sandwich."