Witz Pickz: The Monday Buffet

It’s early, but I want you have your picks before five over there on the east coast, so here are an assortment of pickz for you to choose from and delight in. I’m calling it the Monday Buffet, because I can’t imagine a business making any money off of a breakfast buffet on a Monday, and I’m not making any money doing this or anything else. But at least I got croissants.**

Trader Joe’s Vegetarian Masala Burgers: I picked these up because they were on sale and finally had one last night—delicious! Not overly flavorful or spicy, but they taste more like if India had invented latkes. I’m thinking they can be used as a breakfast food, and since nobody would see me eating them pre-lunch, I think I can get away with it.

The Mighty Oven: I never realized that I cared one way or another about an oven until I moved into this place and found myself wondering which A.D.D. worker they got to paint the numbers on the “temperature knob.” Because, you see, it only goes up to 350, and it shocked me to find out that apparently, someone didn’t forget to keep painting on the numbers up to 450, it simply DOESN’T GO THAT HIGH. REALLY??? How is that even possible? 90% of cooking requires 375 or above. I live in a pseudo-dorm, and my oven isn’t strong enough to heat up frozen pizza or bagel bites! Nor chicken tenders, nor frozen burritos. Who did they expect was going to live here? “Hi, I’m Bobby Flay, and I’m psyched to be getting a degree here at Expensive University. This year, we’ll be using the “outdoor grill” for most of our cooking, with the occasional pan-seared cod over the lopsided burners that force all the oil to one side of the pan, thereby making it nearly impossible to cook.” GIVE ME 450 DEGREES!

No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain: No, not the cooking show with Abigail Breslin and Aaron Eckhart in which the latter attempts to make up for an entire career of acting like a sleaze via this one role—I’m instead talking about the show on the Food Network. Anthony Bourdain is a guy who basically goes from place to place each episode and indulges in their culture—first their culinary stylings, and then, usually their entertainment. Always, he indulges in their local alcohol and that combined with the fact that he’s a number one d-bag lends to a tremendous show. Plus, since nobody speaks English half the time, he can be even more brazen and insulting and nobody has any idea what he’s saying, or at least they smile and act like they don’t. This has the dual effect of allowing him to say funny things, and to probably alienate our nation further from the graces of other cultures.

Intellekt and Dirty Digits – Intellektual Property: This new hip hop album from MC Intellekt and DJ/MC Dirty Digits is absolutely addictive. Two young, musically gifted guys from Atlanta, the album is packed with smooth turns of phrase, lyrical dexterity, and some of the better scratching and mixing I’ve heard in a long time. Plus, the whole album has a sense of humor to it, which makes it all the better. A lot of the songs feel nostalgic, and only a couple feel out of place and over the MC’s heads. Checkout Phenom Mental on Myspace. (part of the upcoming Witz Mix—you’ll see).

Jones Soda: Is nuts. They have the craziest damn flavors, but they all taste delicious. Their cream soda is one of the best tasting sodas I’ve ever had, and they have cool pictures on the label of each bottle. They even come in cans now, which I think takes away from some of it’s allure, but still, DELICIOUS! I don’t drink much soda these days, but I ALWAYS want one when I see that bottle on the shelf of a store.

That’ll be 5.99 please,
Witz


**I don’t actually have croissants—those suckers are like FIVE DOLLARS for 4-6 of them and it’s like paying to have “delicious fat” pumped into your system. Boy do they taste good though.