Witz Pickz: Picking A Doctor (And HAVING Healthcare)

I'll go ahead and assume everyone knows how miserable my immune system is. So I'll skip to the glory that is Healthcare, and to be more factually accurate (since Healthcare is not actually ALL that glorious), MY HAVING healthcare. Now that I'm working, I'm apparently not going to get sick anymore, because I'm not stressed out about not working and not having healthcare in case I get sick, which leads me to getting sick. Sometimes life is evil.

Now, having healthcare is great, and everyone absolutely must get SOME KIND always. But now that I'm signed up, I had to select a primary care physician. This entails looking through a list of about 80 similarly qualified doctors with very little differentiating information. The process to switch primary care physicians is a bitch and a half, so I have to make this count. Narrowed down by location radius (apparently it's a problem for me to drive 2.3 miles to a GREAT doctor, when I can drive 1.2 to an OK doctor), I still have about 60 doctors to choose from.

They each have specialty's within the areas of Family Medicine, Internal Medicine, and Pediatry (that has to do with kids, not feet right?). Well, here's the thing-- I don't have a family, but I probably have a lot of the same health concerns that individual family members have. I am, in fact, an individual family member, just not in this state. So maybe that's for me? But then there's Internal Medicine. Except for the time I was stung by a bee, the time I touched poison ivy, and the time my toe nail fell off, almost all of the medicine I have been given quickly became internal medicine, along with a glass of water. Also, after a quick look in the mirror and some mental math, I determined that I am MOSTLY INTERNAL. So maybe THIS ONE is for me?

Finally, there's pediatrician's, and while I went to a pediatrician up through college when I was at home, exposing myself to the strong and terrible filthiness of children's germs, I am no longer a child and probably should not go to an MD who specializes in children's medicine. I do like the prospect of going in for a routine exam and having my hernia test done by a pediatrician, knowing as he checks my junk that I've got a clear advantage in that arena. But that's no way to pick a doctor.

So I do what every person does in my situation-- I racially and culturally profile. I start looking at the individual names, and occasionally explore further one of the names that SOUNDS right. That's pretty much how I ended up choosing my college, so why not a doctor, too? Hal Johnson sounds like he'll make fun of me for "being a puss." Beverly McDonough reminds me that I don't want a female doctor. Anoush Abkadazian gets crossed off the list, but to make sure I'm not racist, I leave on Juan Rodriguez. See? So I go through and I go through and eventually, I hit upon a name I recognize and have some history with: David Fischer.

For those not in the know, David Fischer is the name of Michael C. Hall's character in Six Feet Under. As I've seen the entire series from start to finish on DVD (and thought it was "OK" as you can read in a previous post), I have a lot of history with David Fis(c)her and feel like I know where he's coming from. I doubt THIS David will be a late thirties gay man with dry humor, uptight tendencies and a penchant for corpses, but still, gotta go with something. Then, there's the Michael C. Hall connection. Along with Six Feet Under, Michael C. Hall plays the lead role in Dexter, one of my all time favorite series thus far. I can't pass up a connection like that, it's just too obvious to me.

I pause only momentarily to think about the consequences of my actions. Does picking a doctor based on a fictional character, he happens to work IN A MORGUE, make sense? Does it jinx it? Is the irony enough to override any horrible curses I might have placed upon myself? I wonder beyong that to the greater fact that Dexter is a serial killer who feels no emotion and lives only by a code his step-father laid out for him...that's kind of like the hypocratic oath, isn't it?? Yeah, of course it is. So I focus on those facts, ignore the negative possibilities, and click on his name. I find out that he a) looks a bit like Alan Alda b) is an allergy and immunology expert (THOSE ARE MY POTENTIAL PROBLEMS!!!) and c) went to the University of Washington (the state from which I moved). So that's three cool coincidences worth running with, and I do.

I sign up online and make David Fischer my doctor. Is it the best idea, ever? Probably not. But do I have any other real criteria to base my decision on, given that I was in the middle of the registration process and couldn't proceed with a name? Nope. And so I'm counting on my Emotional Intelligence on this one. My instincts, my life experience, and my gut. Because even though I went with my gut when choosing a college and regretted it, and even though I went with my gut when buying Taco Bell and regretted it, and even though I went with my gut when betting on roullette and regretted it, this time is going to be the time. And if my gut doesn't come through this time, well, I'll have to hit the gym and make sure I stay in shape and healthy.

Limited Liability Human,
Witz

(posts will come at nights now mostly, so be sure to check back for more posts you might have missed-- I'll try and make up with another one so you get all 5 this week)