Friday, February 08, 2008

Witz DOESN'T Pick: "Giving Your Kitchen the Night Off" Commercial

First of all, I've been sick all week, so I apologize for the lack of posts. Hopefully, I will feel better soon.

Now, while sick, and watching television, I saw this new Mastercard commercial where the couple goes out to eat and they give the "kitchen the night off." At first I was like, ok, this is an alright commercial. The little ET Wine Guy turns on the lights, proving that I'm not crazy when I refer to that wine opener as "the little wine man who looks like E.T." Take a look, you'll see. So I'm with them so far. Then, the spoons dance around, the utensils jump and are theoretically expressing joy in the way that utensils might, and the whisk is helping blow bubbles all around the room. And then the knives are watching a scary movie...and when the shadow of a knife is raised up, they all jump around and cheer.

WHY ARE THE KNIVES CHEERING, READER?? WHY?? It's not cute, it's terrifying! "Mastercard would like you all to know not to worry, while you sleep, your inanimate objects all have a good time, oh, and your knives have free will-- welcome to your new reality, effers." I think we all have enough concerns about knives as inanimate objects. We can cut ourselves by accident. Someone can have a knife and threaten or stab us with it. Someone can break into your home and use YOUR knife against you. All sorts of concerns. You know which I don't need? The concern that the knife might just STAB ME ITSELF. This concern goes along with others I don't need like, "My toilet might flush UP," and, "My locks might unlock themselves." I already have to worry about my toaster which refuses to toast anything the same way twice, why would I want more concerns?

Now I went back and watched the commercial over a couple times, and there's a small chance that instead of cheering, the knives are actually cowering in fear, or at least that was the intention. I don't think this comes across necessarily, but it's a possibility. So let's say they are supposed to be cowering in fear. Isn't there something innately wrong with knives watching a movie where a person is wielding a knife as a murder weapon? Who are the knives scared of or for? Most logically, they would be scared FOR the knife. "That knife is about to get gooey!" would be the fear. Or maybe, "I fully comprehend and empathize with the emotional trauma that knife is about to endure!" Those make sense from a knife's perspective. Because the knife itself is not evil. It's just a tool being used by the humans. So the next thought is, "maybe the knives fear the human and are scared by the murder of another human." This would be weird because it takes the knife out of the equation and means the knives sympathize with their owners more than their own kind. Incidentally, these people own waaaay too many butcher's knives-- there's like six of em on the couch together. They're up to something. But anyway, this means that knives sympathize with the human who is being murdered and fear/disagree with the human who is using the knife for a purpose other than what the knives are used to. Knives feel the morality of humans is what the scenario is explaining to us. I don't buy or like that. If that's true, then shown enough human evils, these knives would assume their own purpose based on the morals we provide and might choose to take over for our own good. Mastercard presents a world far more complex than I am ready to accept. Especially in my sick state.

Remember the movie Bats! that was on movie posters backwards so it read !stab...that was weird,


Brendan said...

two words: "Maximum Overdrive." B-rate movie where machines come alive and rampage over humanity. I was always afraid of the "joker" big rig when I was younger. WATCH IT.

Anonymous said...

the knives were supposed to be scared. that was the gag!

Witz said...

Anonymous -- Please note my extensive explanation of why that's not cool either, it even includes pop-psychology, so it's bound to be a hit.

Brendan -- It is now in my queue. Amazing.

Jeremy said...

The knives are pretty clearly cowering in fear, clustering together for safety, during the scream in the slasher movie. My interpretation is simply that anthropomorphic knives enjoy horror flicks -- just like anthropomorphic wooden spoons enjoy hot tubs -- and so they are taking in the movie at face value. Scary music, scary camera angles, scary plot points... scared knives.