Witz Pickz: Vampire Vineyards

While doing some research for a potential book I’m trying to write, I stumbled across Vampire Vineyards and was immediately enthralled and joyous. I don’t think it will take long for you to figure out why. The greeting for the site states, “Welcome mortal to Vampire.com, the ultimate beverage resource for vampires seeking alternatives to the mundane ways of this world.” I had to read that several times to try and figure out what they were going for. Apparently, Vampire Vineyards sell wine which is like regular wine only they see it as an alternative to other boring drinks that vampires must endure. Also, they are the ultimate beverage resource for vampires seeking these beverages, but they greet me as a mortal—clearly this site is omniscient and spooky, otherwise, how would they know that I was a mere mortal shopping on a site most frequented by vampires? Exactly.

Next, I was thrilled to be made privy to the history and rumors surrounding this vineyard that I had no previous experience with. “Rumor has it that the Vampire Vineyards are actually owned by a circle of vampires, and the company’s founder, an entertainment attorney from New York, is actually just a front.” There’s a lot more than meets the eye here at the vineyards! That rumor sounds faaaaar too specific to not be truth. Regardless, I’m glad the vampires are so up front in letting me know where my wine is coming from. If they had the same amount of information on poultry, beef, cheap shoes, or gasoline, I probably wouldn’t be so keen on purchasing them.

But why are the vampires here? What is their ultimate purpose? This was the best part of the site for me. Apparently, the vampires are here so that the grapes may be, “skillfully blended by vampire winemakers to produce phenomenal wines.” BOOM! That’s what vampires are up to. Time to get over the stereotype. There’s no bloodsucking, haunting, murdering going on—just good old fashioned, semi-pretentious wine-making. They refer to their wine as “Blood of the Vine” which actually seems pretty accurate…IF YOU CAN GET DRUNK ON BLOOD! I know a couple people I would consider to be “Blood Drunk” if that’s the case. Googley eyes wanderers simply in search of their next destination, meandering and stumbling like a vampire riding the high of fresh feeding. Also, I can imagine people in this state to be so drunk that if I dared them to drink blood, the probably wouldn’t hesitate. It’s the same way I look after finishing off a large pizza from Luna or City Pizza in Connecticut.

They don’t only sell wine, either. They sell vodka, beer, and my favorite, energy drinks! This is proof that the cinematic stereotype of the vampire as a raver is true—these vampires suck down energy drinks from Vampire Vineyards and then proceed to dance their white asses off to drum and bass. Nice.

When it comes down to it though, what struck me as most awe inspiring and shocking was the fact that Vampire Vineyards are the proud owners of www.vampire.com. Of all the possible websites to own that domain name, a wine company from SoCal has it. It could have been anything—an information resource, a catalog of vampire gear, t-shirts, or movies that vampires have been a part of. It could have been a simple description of a vampire or it could have been a facebook like social networking site for people who wanted vampire alter egos. But no, it’s a vineyard that sells wine. Vampire Wine! Scary wines like Pinot Noir and…Merlot. Suck down a…cabernet sauvignon….ok, so maybe not so scary. But now that I know Vampire Vineyards are out there, I can’t wait to order me a couple bottles and get put on some sort of government tracking list. Maybe I’ll even visit the vineyards if I get down to Paso Robles, California. OoooOOOOOOoooo. Paso Robles!

Monday Bloody Monday,
Witz