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Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Witz Pickz: Vintage Fit, Excedrin Migraine, Wax Paper, and V8

Some randomness...

Vintage Fit Shirt:

Welp, eventually you run out of shirts and your only options are to do your laundry or buy new shirts. So I took off the tags of my newly acquired Old Navy Vintage Button Down Shirt and started putting it on. That's when I learned the secret of the vintage fit shirt-- it doesn't fit me! That's what the Vintage part means. It would have fit Vintage Jon, but now, on Current Witz, it's a bit snug. It's a lot like that Mitch Hedberg joke, "This shirt is dry clean only, which means, it's dirty!" Anyway, I do like how the shirt looks and feels, so I'm giving it the go ahead.

Excedrin Migraine:

Of all the headache medicines I've ever taken, this is the best. Packed full of stuff that might otherwise be super unhealthy, it takes care of even the worst migraines. It was only recently that I realized that Excedrin Migraine includes aspirin in addition to caffeine and some other things. Being raised in a strictly "non aspirin" household and being told over and over again that aspirin was the devil, I have been shunning aspirin for years. When handed Aspirin on that Southwest Flight where I had an excrutiating migraine, I turned it down because I wasn't sure if I could have it or not-- that's how indoctrinated I was. Now, I learn that Excedrin Migraine, the most prolific pill in my family's home, has aspirin in it? My world is ravaged, my mind blown, the pieces burned in remembrance.

Wax Paper:
What's wax paper up to these days? Does ANYBODY use it? I still see it sold in stores, but other than for putting baked goods on, I'm not sure what it's for, and I don't know anyone who still uses it for that. Wax Paper is the Woody Harrelson of the cooking world (used to do a lot, now kind of not used, but still on the shelf for the public to remember).

V8:

After watching their commercials for YEARS and not thinking twice about them, their marketing FINALLY kicked in one night last weekend. I heard that slogan, "Shoulda had a V8" and suddenly thought, "You know, I don't eat many vegetables, and I get sick all the time-- I wonder if that applies to my life?" I then went back over all the days I could think of in the past few months when instead of whatever I ate or drank or took for my health perhaps I "Shoulda had a v8." It turned out that most days in my life applied. So I went to the store and I purchased a sixer of V8 (it's far easier to think of it as V8 and not VEGETABLES IN A CAN LIQUIFIED). I then had a thought I haven't had in my entire life. "I should HAVE a V8." I cracked open the can with my pizza and with only slight hesitation kicked it back and let the liquid pour into my mouth and down my throat. The first time I swallowed, and allowed the taste to hit my buds and travel to my brain, I knew something. I now know V8's secret. Ready? V8 is nothing but COLD SOUP. It's 8 vegetables put in a primarily tomato base and blended. It tastes a lot like tomato soup or even minestrone soup broth (which is primarily tomato as well). Have you ever had cold soup (that isn't intentionally cold like vichysoisse)? No, you haven't-- because it's gross. And you aren't wrong. It is gross. And V8 is gross too. It's drinkable, sure, but it's kinda tough not to wanna throw up when you think about it. What I'm thinking of doing with the other 5 cans is either shotgunning them, adding alcohol to them, or heating them and drinking the warm broth like a tea. Vegetable Tea. If that doesn't work, I'm thinking of putting it into my food like how you trick animals to take pills. Last night I made fresh potato soup, but didn't have any onion, carrots, or celery as the recipe required. "This soup needs a v8!" I thought, and came very very close to dumping a can into the boiling chicken broth and potato mixture. I didn't, because I didn't want to chance ruining my meal, but I think it could work, and provide a whole new demographic for V8-- people who cook rarely. I cook sometimes, but not enough to have veggies in the house. So instead of veggies, I could just keep cans of V8 around for when I need that vegetable mixture base for various dishes; chicken marengo, vegetable lasagna, taco toppings. It would also be great for anybody dating vegans. You want to go out for pizza, but the cheese is gonna be a problem, so you whip out a V8 and say, "Here's your can dinner. I'm ordering mine with pepperoni." Shoulda had a V8.

Roger Clemens Shoulda Had A B-12 Instead of a Shot of Steroids,

Witz

4 comments:

Nick V said...

vodka and tabasco make v8 better.

vodka and tabasco make most things better.

JKow said...

Apparently the unfounded "No aspirin" indoctrination stuck while the very legit "eat your vegetables" one did not. how's that working out?!?

Witz said...

You know, Bill Simmons says "these are my readers" and posts people saying idiotic things. Let me just say how happy I am that MY readers are not idiots, but just plain sassy.

momula said...

Missive from what must seem like the underground world of quilting: Wax paper is a vital element of the applique quilter's toolbox. When traced like a pattern piece, the wax paper is ironed on to fabric; the wax makes it stick without pins, and makes it much easier to turn the 1/4 inch sewing allowance under for a more exact silhouette of your applique image.
You could look it up!