Witz Pickz: Phone Happenings

I'm being harassed by a small child. Now I know that statement is usually followed by, "Uh-huh, whatever you say sir, now please put your hands where I can see them," but in this one instance, it's true. And not just harassment-- it's taunting. I'm being taunted by a small child. Last night at 4am my phone rang. The Witz Gal jumped out of bed and went to answer it because that's how crazy trained we are. Fortunately, my cleverly and intuitously placed obstacles (also known as things I forgot to clean up) kept her from reaching the phone and instead led her to some stumbling in the dark and probably a few bruises (another story that is usually followed by, "Uh-Huh, whatever you say sir, now please put your hands where I can see them."). I did shout, "You don't have to answer the phone, it's 4am!" but in the end it didn't matter as the call went to voicemail. Here's what we received:

"Ahhhgaah, hahaha, ok, ahhgah, hmm?" That's not a word jumble. That's the cryptic message of a small child with less than stellar control of the english language. The machine clicked off and there was silence. I would have chalked it up as a fluke if it hadn't happened again moments later. This time the message was even more indistinguishable, but it was clear that the child had both glee and deviance in its voice-- and maybe apple sauce. After the talking, we were brutalized by a string of dialing. I tried to listen for a secret morse code message, but since it wasn't S-O-S and since morse code hasn't been taught to anyone since the Eisenhower era, I was left with no answers. I glanced at the clock and realized I could get up and watch the Red Sox play the Oakland A's in Japan, and for a brief moment I almost did, but then I remembered that taunting gleeful voice, and I thought, "That's exactly what the baby would want me to do," and I closed my eyes.

FEDEX LADY: Here's the message left on my office voicemail

"Hi, this is Lacey from Fedex Kinko's, could I please speak with Witz?
.....
.....
Hello?
.....
....."
Click.

Brilliance exists everywhere.


The iPhone:
Apparently the iPhone calls people from your contacts randomly. Like, it will be locked and in your pocket, and it will call somebody. I don't have one, but I've heard several people say this happens and I think it's great. First of all, it proves that robots are going to destroy us all, and secondly, it proves that even the iPhone is part of the A.D.D. generation. With all it's capabilities, it's not content to sit and wait. It has websites to browse, videos to play, and people to call. Just because YOU don't have time to call your veterinarian, doesn't mean that iPhone can't call up and see what's up. I can't wait until there are reports of people waking up in the middle of the night, seeing their iPhone looming over their chest, Enter Sandman playing from the headphones, a map to where you are going to be buried displayed on the screen, before a single text message pops up as the headphones start to cut off their air supply saying, "It's our time now."

"Call Me" (Lost Highway),
Witz