Witz DOESN'T Pick: Air Travel, Evan Almighty, and MORE

Sorry for the lack of posts the last couple days, I was travelling and so I figured I'd make up for it with a post on Saturday (unorthodox to the max!). One might call it The Saturday Post, but that might get confusing and infringe on copyrights-- or cause the ghost of Norman Rockwell to haunt me, pastorally and in the simplest of ways. I bet it'd be quaint as hell.

Evan Almighty: Let me first say that I wasn't a fan of Bruce Almighty, but when I saw Steve Carrell and Wanda Sykes were in a movie together, I ignored the franchise involvement and decided I wanted to see the movie...on DVD...preferably for free. After rocking a 30-Day free Netflix trial, I realized this scenario was entirely possible, and hastily added Evan Almighty to the queue. It arrived, and still filled with mild interest, I brought it over to My Friend With A Pool's apartment to watch (because if you ain't watchin' Evan Almighty on a nice, big tv, you just aren't watching Evan Almighty-- *this statement will be soon disproved). So we watch the movie and guess what? It's not very good. It has the occasional giggle moment and Steve Carrell nailed one or two jokes as did Wanda Sykes, but overall, it was lame, cutesie, and a lot of the jokes were ill-advised. The first two parts were not unexpected, but the joke quality should have been higher. Anyway, once I realized the movie wasn't very good, I was sitting and thinking about it and came to a realization that I should have thought of and been wary of earlier: Evan is not Almighty. Bruce-- now HE was Almighty, that was the point of the movie. God gave him His powers for the duration, and Bruce had to deal with shit, ultimately coming to realization, as all must, that when handed the powers of God, and put under duress, one can ultimately devise a system for handling God's business and do alright with the whole thing. Good moral. Evan, however, was not given God's powers. No, instead, Evan was given impediments to his everyday life, and asked to build an outdated naval vehicle, i.e. an ark. God makes him build an ark so that his family will bond with a family activity, to ruin John Goodman's political career, and so the word "ark" is in people's minds when they come out with Indiana Jones 4. Given no powers beyond freakishly fast growing hair and beard, and potato sack robes (which came first, potato sacks or sack robes?), Evan has to use all the tools and supplies God gives him to build the ark. Nevermind that it would be quite the undertaking with modern tools and, say, a metal tanker, but he has to do it with old timey tools and wood. Oh, but animals will help, no big deal. Oh, and when those animals literally help BUILD AN ARK, people will still doubt that Evan is doing God's bidding. He's just good with animals, I guess. Idiots. Regardless, they shouldn't have pushed the Almighty Franchise (pun deliciously intended), because it makes no sense beyond the excessiveness of Morgan Freeman. They should have called it Evan Of-Average-Morality-and-Strength or Noah's Ark 2000 or Evan D'Ark or Noah's Ark 2. Anything except Evan Almighty, which is entirely contrary to the plot of the film. Stupid.

Air Travel: So I flew with a non-Southwest airline for the second time in about 16 flights. 14 of those flights with Southwest all went well, on time and smooth. My last flight on US Air went miserably with delays, and this one with United had massive delays thanks to RAIN in Philly. Are planes getting delayed by rain now? I was under the impression that except for thunderstorms and lightning, rain clouds weren't an issue these days. How wrong I was. Rain can apparently delay a flight for 4 hours when you still have to fly 6 hours to REACH THE RAIN. So we sat while the flight got delayed, finally boarded, only to find out that we had another fun hour ON THE PLANE. But don't worry, because despite the fact that you're now going to miss your connection (formerly with a THREE HOUR layover in Philly), and probably won't get to your final destination until after midnight, because we're gonna put on a movie that you can't watch because we haven't handed out the headphones yet. So I look up at the monitor, hoping for something, ANYTHING to pass the time. And what's the movie that I get to watch during these delays and six hour flight? Evan Almighty. Life is hilarious.

What's the second funniest thing you can find out when you are watching Evan Almighty silently again and it's just as bad as the first time (see, even when watching Evan Almighty on a tiny screen in a plane, you're REALLY watching Evan Almighty)? Hearing these words: "Followed by License to Wed." You can't beat that humor.

I will say that while the flight delays were probably lies to cover some United mixups and problems during the light rain in Philly, and I never trust delays anyway unless I can see actual bad weather (except late openings for schools when it "might" snow-- that's the best ever), and despite them only serving free tiny sugar cookies as a snack, making people pay for sandwhiches and such even after delaying us on a plane for an hour directly during lunch and dinner hours (what would it cost them, 100 bucks to feed everyone for free?), I will say that the customer service girl at the desk did a heluva job and turned my trip entirely around. She helped me get double-booked so I could make a later flight if I missed my original and didn't freak out at me when I questioned which plane my baggage would come in on. She even said, "That's very nice of you" when I said it'd be ok to get booked on an 11pm flight if I missed my 9pm flight-- I can't imagine her having a better solution...Anyway, good for her. Just as US Air was helpful suring my ridiculousness in Newark, United was helpful-- but they also were the only ones with issues since I've been flying with Southwest. Southwest is the way to go, and it's way easier to get bonus tickets.

WITZ PICKZ:

Hillside Tea Self-Heating Chai Tea: I can't wait, I can't wait. I didn't intend on buying it, but when I saw the self-heating tea cans sitting there in the bonus buy section of the supermarket, I didn't have a choice. Apparently, I push a button on this can and it heats itself up. Then, it's hot and ready to drink, and I just crack the top and pound my super hot tea in a can. AWESOME. I have no idea how it works (well, I'm guessing two liquids mix and cause heat), but I don't care. AND in case it didn't already have the element of danger with it, I bought one that was marked down from 2 dollars to 1 dollar for NO APPARENT REASON! SOMETHING is wrong with this one can out of the many, and now that can is MINE! Even the checkout guy was like, "Huh, I don't know why this one is marked down," in a way that meant, "Have fun with your no eyebrows and stumpy arm, cheapo." AWESOME. I am excited. I'll let you know how it goes....hopefully not by blowing into a straw.

We Are All Self-Heating Cans,
Witz