Witz DOESN'T Pick: Commercials During National Sporting Events

I've watched a lot of sports in my life, and have dealt with it as best I can. Local sports are easier to deal with-- you see the same commercials over and over again, but they're local and goofy and you can feel like knowing and seeing them brings you closer to the team and the locale. Nationally broadcast sports, however, are a whole other story. With the sole exception of the Super Bowl, which has been having worse and worse commercials each year as Tivo and The Internet have been thriving, nothing is worse than a national sports broadcast when it comes to commercials. Having been watching the MLB Playoffs, and from past years' experience, I have to say that while nationally broadcast regular season games are frustrating, nothing and I mean NOTHING compares to nationally broadcast PLAYOFF SERIES. Be it the NBA, NHL, or MLB (and I'm not even gonna get into the broadcasting horror that is Tim McCarver who has proven this year to be on equal ground with a retarded three year old just learning to use his words-- I keep expecting him to tell Joe Buck, "I just wanna kiss you" like Joe Montana did that time to the sideline reporter) the commercials have become unbearable. And baseball is the worst because of the inning breaks. Here's why.

Baseball has the pregame, the postgame, the middle innings break, and the end of inning break. That's 17 scheduled breaks plus And throughout all of these breaks and games, there are a grand total of maybe four commercials. OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. It's too much. Having watched all the ALDS on TBS, I got to see ALL of the Frank TV promos (that show better effing RULE) and maybe one or two other commercials, that I have now blacked out from my mind. SO IT DIDNT EVEN WORK. On Fox, as the games keep coming, I have been staring at the same commercials for hours and hours, and it's driving me slowly insane. Here are a few of the big ones.

Ford: Guess who's country this is? OURS! Which didn't bother me before, but now that Ford still hasn't killed off their "This is ooouuurrr country" commercials after at least a year, I'm starting to wonder if maybe we shouldn't give some of it away. Everytime I hear John Mellancamp singing out that song I want to punch him in the face and run off to Canada to see if maybe they don't have a "bill of sale" receipt lying around somewhere from the 1800's when we were so sure about the south. And yes, he's John Mellancamp-- I have revoked his "Cougar" priveledges until further notice. The whole campaign makes me want to run my own commercials where a Native American is hanging out with his buddies by their Subaru's and Pickup trucks, and just offscreen you hear the "This is ouuuur country" song playing and they all just flick off the camera. It'd be a weird commercial, and I don't know what it'd be for-- but I think it would freak out enough people that the song would get pulled.

Taco Bell: This commercial recently got shortened from its original length because the producers realized it didn't make any friggen sense. In this commercial, an older brother is talkin' to his younger "bro" about life. They're sitting on the couch with some nachos bellgrande and the older brother gives him the straight dope. He says "Alright little bro, there are three life lessons every MAN needs to live by: Never own a lapdog, never date a woman with dragon tattoos, and ALWAYS ORDER CHILI ON YOUR NACHOS BELLGRANDE!" The guy's kinda douchey, but he also probably wants to bond with his brother, who he clearly hasn't seen since their parents divorced and he took off to be a roadie for Monster Magnet ten years ago. Now this could still work, if awkard and lame until the following happens: his girlfriend with a dragon tattoo hands him his small lapdog and says, "Walk your dog." The older brother looks embarrassed and searches for a way out-- much like how the writers of the commercial must have been searching for a way out. Because they just told me NOT TO ORDER NACHOS BELLGRANDE WITH CHILI. That's the punchline-- and don't get me wrong, I think it's honest and accurate. But it's a little surprising coming from the people of Taco Bell. Then another weird part finishes off the commercial-- the younger brother looks at the older brother...AND GIVES HIM THE "WHIPPED" ::whoopssh:: while "Whip It" plays in the background. That doesn't make ANY sense. First of all, the response DOESN'T match the setup. The setup had to do with the big brother being wrong about all of the thing MEN have as rules. Being or not being whipped has nothing to do with it-- unless it's saying that he's NOT a man because he's whipped. Oh, but here's the rub-- HE ISN'T WHIPPED. It's his freaking dog, why the hell should his girlfriend walk it for him, whether she's tattoed with dragons or not? Is the ultimate message of the commercial that Dragon Tattoed Women Will Not Help You Out With Basic Tasks That Are Your Responsibility Even When You Are Otherwise Occupied? Is it a morality narrative? A tale of warning? Because no matter how you cut it, he is not whipped-- he's just super lame and wants to impress his Colin Hanks-esk brother. Taco Bell should have gotten another song in the background-- like MXPX's "Responsibility" or The Cars's "Just What I needed" or even R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)"-- I mean EVERYBODY loves that song, even if it isn't relevant.

Chevrolet Green Technology: Ya cut me deep, guy, ya cut me deep. You all know these green technology commercials that Chevy is working on. Kids are sitting around talking to a guy in metaphors and similes. Well, I don't have any problem with the commercials themselves (except for when the guy is like, "How many of you are vegetarians? And like 60% of the group raises their hand-- they're like eight years old! They are definitely not vegetarians, nor should they be without very close monitoring by their parents. They're gonna develop iron deficiencies and weak limbs and small brains. Having a child that young say they're a vegetarian is like having a baby wearing a The Ramones t-shirt-- it doesn't reflect the child, it reflects the parent. And that's crap-- especially when I don't even buy that 60% of the parents of these children are vegetarians (or is it 30% of the parents if only one parent is veggie? Does vegetarianism get contracted through the Mom or the Dad?). Chevy has manipulated group statistics for the sake of a commercial), but what I have a problem with is the spokesman. The guy who is talking to the children is none other than BILL FROM THE WASHINGTON MUTUAL COMMERCIALS! You know him as the lovable, African-American man with a childlike face and stringent customer relations values. He wouldn't let those old white guys ruin banking anymore! Now he's affably tricking kids into brand associating with Chevy for the rest of their lives, all the while being friendly and unassuming. This shatters my world! Being in Seattle when the WaMu commercials started, I kinda half believed that the actor "Bill" was actually a guy in charge named Bill. We worked with WaMu quite a bit at my non-profit job and it wouldn't surprise me if one of the higher ups appeared in their commercials. NOPE! FAKER. "ACTOR." BULLSHITTER. He took my trust and got a better deal. Not my problem-- WaMu is screwed. This is the largest affront (read: psychotic break) towards faux-reality since the Jetsons ran into the Flintstones. Seen any new episodes of thoooose shows anytime recently? My point exactly.

I'll Try and Be More Positive Next Week-- Have A Great Weekend and GO SOX,
Witz

P.S. A.K.A. Bonus footage: (and bonus acronyms) In that Taco Bell commercial, watch the part at the end when the younger brother eats a nacho. They shot it so oddly that it actually looks like the older brother is feeding the nacho to him which is even more jarring when the next shot is a wide shot of the two and that's not the case at all. Who eats nachos with their elbow WAY OUT OF THE SCREEN? It's like he was gonna take a picture of himself, but then got a nacho instead of a camera. Awful commercial (but now they've shortened it so it just says, "Man Rule: Always get Chili on your Nachos Bellgrande!" and THAT'S IT).