Witz DOESN'T Pick: Midweek Bonanza (I DO Pick IT, But Not the Items In....Aw Crap)

Is it seriously Wednesday again? Crazy. As a companion piece to last week's Midweek Bonanza, here is a Midweek Bonanza of DOESN'T Pickz.

Creepy Kevin Bacon: Kevin Bacon was always creepy in my mind, but apparently people found him attractive. As he's gotten older, however, I think his creepy side is winning out and becoming more pronounced, whereas his attractive exterior is slowly fading away (though in truth, hasn't he always kind of looked like a sexy pig who gave up his acting talents to turn into a human so he could marry the Princess?). This was obvious in Hollow Man when the film bases its entire plot on his creepiness rather than his physical appearance (as he is invisible most of the film). Wild Things, A Few Good Men, Murder In the First-- these all confirmed and exhibited his creepiness. Well, now I saw him in Where the Truth Lies, and was made physically uncomfortable when I saw him touching and kissing the body of the nude Alison Lohman (who is somehow 28 even though she looks 16). You know how in Body Shots-- when a sentence starts like that, you know it's not gonna end well-- but you know how in Body Shots, Tara Reid got naked and effectively ended her career, but you weren't allowed to like, look at her naked and be like, "Tara Reid is naked and hot" because she was naked during a DATE RAPE SCENE? Yeah, well, Alison Lohman is naked in this movie, but then skeazy, creepy, 85 year old Kevin Bacon with a shaggy 1970's haircut enters the frame and freaks everybody out. Now, I understand this was probably on purpose and represented a greater theme of the film, but it's gross and creepy, and entirely unexpected. Try playing Six Degrees of Creepy Bacon. It's fun-- just find a movie that Kevin Bacon was creepy in, where someone else who is creepy was in. Like Wild Things. Matt Dillon can be pretty creepy (or depressing). Matt Dillon was in Crash with William Fichtner (the detective in Prison Break and Sheriff in Invasion). William Fichtner was in Prison Break with Robert Knepper (aka T-Bag), the creepiest dude ever who will never be able to get another role without people assuming he's a child molester. Robert Knepper was is going to be in Hitman with Timothy Olyphant (bad guy in Live Free or Die Hard) who was in Catch and Release with the ever-creepy Juliette Lewis who is in Kalifornia with Brad Pitt who was very creepy IN the movie Kalifornia. Brad Pitt is in Sleepers with none other than your first creep, Kevin Bacon. This is what I do with my time.

Bad Impersonations: I saw a comedian a week ago who did a lot of impersonations. He wanted to end his act with them, and so he rattled off a bunch. Here's the thing with impersonations-- if you can't nail the voice, you better have something hilarious to say that I haven't heard before. If you can nail the voice, you still better be able to say something amusing, otherwise you're just doing an impersonation, which is laudible, but not necessarily funny. This guy did a dead on Jack Nicholson-- but all he said was like, "I like scotch," which isn't remotely funny. We get it, Jack drinks and is cool-- but they aren't called Acknowledgements, they're called Impersonations. He went on to do a bunch of the obvious ones including Pacino, Bush, Matthew McConaughey (which is the best imdb search name ever-- you can type pretty much anything after Matthew Mc____ and it'll come up with his name), and Robert De Niro. Then he threw in a shockingly outdated Jeff Goldblum, which he neither was able to do accurately, nor say anything funny while doing. Then he tried the gold standard and past its prime impersonation: Christopher Walken. Look: If you can't do Christopher Walken as good or better than Jay Mohr, don't do it. We've all heard great C.W. impressions. Your mediocre attempt, talking about dancing is not new territory. It's a deal breaker. So after the poor Christopher Walken, he said he wouldn't leave until he got real applause. So he did a Bono. Scattered claps. John Madden. More claps, clearly because we wanted this guy to leave. He didn't accept it because the claps were too delayed. After one of the worst Robin Williams impressions I've ever heard, the crowd ripped into applause. He thanked us and left. Wow.

Now, if you've watched any baseball in the last few weeks, you know that there is a new show called Frank TV with Frank Caliendo of Mad TV. He does a bunch of impersonations, too, but he seems to be really good at them (mostly because of the clothes he has on, but he has good voices and things to say). It looks like a good impersonation example. I have NO IDEA how they are going to sustain a 12-23 episode season with him doing impersonations, but I guess that's why I'll watch. Feel free to post Witz impersonations in the comments section ("Uh, what's with like, dishwashers...man? I DON'T pick them-- they're all 'wash off the plates first'...what's the point! Yeah, dishwashers...I'm totally gonna pay the bills with this killer comedy...").

People Who Think I'm the Weird One For NOT Eating Oysters: People keep getting on my and other people's asses for not eating oysters-- like we're the weird ones. Are you serious? Oysters have possibly the most disgusting consistency I've ever tasted and taste mostly like snot. Sometimes flavored snot. They are also really really expensive and generally accompany a time when I'm paying for two aka another person who doesn't actually like oysters, but has been forced to act like they do. "But they're an aphrodisiac!" Ok, who cares? So are hand-jobs and I'm not running around paying for those (and I'll quote Entourage her-- Turtle: "Who the FUCK wants a hand-job?"). Also, according to Discovery Health, oysters do not increase sexual desire or performance at all, but do work as a placebo since everyone thinks they do. Ironically, the band Placebo works in the reverse way-- you hear their music and immediately want to have no contact of any kind with anyone, and prefer the depressed doomed loneliness of your room and the darkness. So to you I say, YOU ARE THE WEIRD ONE.

What If Oysters Are Empty nside And First Graders Are Getting Paid Millions For Their Tasty Snot?,
Witz