Witz DOESN'T Pick: Eating Semi-Solids With A Fork...

There comes a time in every person’s life when they find themselves hunched over a container attempting to eat a semi-solid, semi-liquid food with the wrong utensil. When this moment occurs, and it inevitably will, you know that your life has reached a momentary low point. It’s important to recognize this.

I found myself this morning hunched over a cup of yogurt with a fork. As I leaned in and hastily swooped the fork from the cup to my mouth, I attempted to cradle as much of it as possible on the back end of the fork, where the little bit of un-spong-ed metal/plastic exists. I thought this was clever, all things considered, but ultimately, it was mostly just a dangerous bad idea. The trouble with working the rear of the fork is that the yogurt must balance precariously on the edge, and the next step is off the side and onto my shirt and pants. Guilty. So I sat, forking forkfuls of yogurt into my mouth as quickly as possible, and prayed that the alien, CIA, or Google Satellites weren’t honed in on me for future video archives, to be filed under, “Suspicious/Borderline Retarded.” I knew I’d reached a low.

I blame a few things for this situation—first, the lack of spoons in my place of employment. I’m sure there are some, but not in plain site where spoons always ought to be. Second, I blame myself for not bringing a spoon with me and being improperly prepared. Lastly, I blame the spork companies. What baffles me about sporks is that they EXIST, but are not even remotely present in our culture. I blame the companies for allowing sporks to a) not be very functional on the fork side of things and b) not trying to spin the marketing and press in their favor. Let’s be honest here, sporks look ridiculous, like they grew up near a power plant that had another power plant built underneath it. They’re goofy and primarily useless. BUT, at some point, someone assumed they served a function and they were created. They’ll pop up still in the strangest places; planes, cafeterias, etc. Yet the people at the Spork Companies have done nothing to improve their image or take over a market share from the other utensils. Are their Fork and Spoon lobbyists in Washington, holding heavy sway over utensil implementation? Why haven’t I seen a single spork commercial in my entire life? I’ll tell ya what, forks, spoons, and knives DO NOT ADVERTISE, and ONE commercial about an alternative utensil might win some people over. Wouldn’t that be awesome?

“Tired of having to switch utensils when eating that yogurt and eggs? Rice and runny beans? Got both hands full? Why?? It’s time to use the spork. The best of both worlds to make our world the best!”

And what if they had anti-spork campaigns like political ads?

“Sporks want you to believe that they are both a fork AND a spoon. But did you know that the spork only has TWO PRONGS that are MOSTLY USELESS? Sporks are just spoons with crutches. Do you want your utensils looking like they just got beat up by the mafia? Of course not. Forks and spoons get the job done.”

Or from the religious right:

“The union of a fork and a spoon just isn’t moral! Why would God have created both utensils for us to use if He didn’t want us to utilize them independent of each other? Just watch someone trying to use a spork and you’ll see what I mean. And what’s next if we allow this? Knorks? Spiveks? Spatu-tongs? Where does it all end? It just doesn’t FEEL right.”

My point is that in our reality, sporks aren’t an option. And when you end up eating a semi-solid with a fork, or a knife, life just isn’t on your side. But it happens, and we must take these situations as opportunities for growth. If it wasn’t for the cold, we wouldn’t appreciate warmth. If it wasn’t for forks, we wouldn’t appreciate spoons. Life is like this. You’re gonna spill a little semi-solid on yourself sometimes, but you’ll only be stronger for it.

I Am So, So Hungry,
Witz