Witz Pickz: Sliders

Remember when you first realized that you were old enough to buy candy for yourself and that your parents weren't there to say you couldn't? Remember when you first figured out you could have all the Cocoa Krispies you wanted for breakfast and nobody could stop you? Well, I do. And unfortunately, I think I've moved on to the point in my life where I have those realizations, but then decide I'd really better not, because it's not healthy to eat that much sugar for breakfast. Last weekend, however, I had one of those realizations, and it was amazing. How?

SLIDERS.

That's how. It occurred to me out of nowhere that I am totally within my rights to make mini-hamburgers on small buns. I know, it sounds crazy, but each and every one of us has that power, and after last weekend, I urge you to use it. You see, I knew my first weekend after work was going to be awesome-- more relaxing and welcoming than a weekend had been in a long time. Christmas Morning-esk. So I planned to sit on the couch and watch my THREE football teams (I collect them like auto-immune diseases) play in the playoffs. This, in and of itself, would be amazing. Then I thought to combine it with sleeping in late and I would be in heaven. Only then it hit me-- I could make delicious little burgers and tell people to come over and eat them.

A couple friends arrived just as I was arranging the burgers. A few dipped in ketchup with spices, a few with bleu cheese centers. A few more with garlic powder. One of my friends jumped right in with glee and made a few with egg and hot spices, giddy like a kid-- we all were. So we grilled em up, made some bacon (literally), and then the topper-- I MADE BISCUITS. The thing about biscuits is that they are ridiculously easy to make, but seem nearly impossible. They require only the ingredients that people have lying around their houses, but they are often overlooked for simply rolls. Also, whenever I make biscuits, no matter how many times I've done it before, the thought, "There is absolutely no way this is going to turn into dough," goes through my head and every single time the result is, "I can't believe that floury mess turned into dough!" So boom. Biscuits and burgers. Gimme all your money, I win. We devoured all the mini burgers and sat sated as the Giants gloriously held off the Cowboys to advance to the NFC Championship game this Sunday. What a good good day.

This led me to want to open a Sliders restaurant. My Friend With A Pool and I brainstormed. We had created the Bacon Wrapped Bleu Cheese Slider and pretty much assumed we could make a restaurant based on that product alone. Then we realized that we could not only start a restaurant, but we could land a serious Triple Pun at the same time. We wold name our restaurant: Sliders. Like the burger. But then, we would reference the television show Sliders by making it, "Sliders: A New Dimension of Taste" because in the show they travel to new dimensions. And then we'll play that fuckin' Beastie Boys song in the background that goes, "Another dimension, another dimension, ANOTHER dimension, aNoTher DIMensIon, AnOtHeR dimENsion!" over and over again, and then Jerry O' Connell will pop into the frame, point at the camera and say, "I really shouldn't have made the movie Body Shots!" and it'll freeze frame. In fact, the entire restaurant in real life will constantly be freeze framing. To demonstrate another dimension. It'll be like your world is lagging and you need to get a better connection, but instead, you just kick back order a Bacon Wrapped Bleu Cheese Slider and let this new dimension of flavor enter your mind, body, and soul.

Now, I know what you're all thinking. You're thinking, "I'm not entirely certain Witz knows what a pun is." Fair enough. Triple Threat, perhaps? Triple Entendre might have worked better. Get over it. You're also thinking, "Witz, who exactly is your audience? Are you truly targeting Hungry Fans of the Cult Hit Show Sliders Starring Jerry O' Connell and the Fat Guy With a Beard From Indiana Jones? YES! And when somebody is out with a potential love interest, and they start fighitng and one of them leaves, we'll get that fat bearded guy from Indiana Jones to come out to the remaining member of the couple and say, "Bad Dates."

I can see it now-- Sliders: A New Dimension of Taste. Nerds will love us. Hipsters will love and subsequently hate us. We will be described as, "Hit or miss" by most media outlets and by word of mouth. But people will come. They will come for the experience, they will come for the delectable meats on biscuits, and they will come to hear Intergalactic by The Beastie Boys. Because once that goddamn thing gets in your head, it's really very difficult to get it out.

anOthER diMENsion!,
Witz

P.S. Tagline for a new gay reality show like the Tila Tequila Shot At Love show: "Forget A Mansion, this Summer, get ready for a MENsion!"...and the show'll be called Honorary Mension.

P.P.S. It's been a long day and I'm tired. You're gettin' THIS type of humor tonight...