Witz Pickz: Clock Radio Robot (Despite the Whole Robots Will Kill Us All Thing)

Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap, I want it, I want it, I want it.

Now, lemme take a step back and say that it has been the longtime stance of this blog that Robots are going to destroy us all. We should fear them, stop making them, and hault all production of allegedly harmless bots such as Food Bot and Wine Bot.

Having said that, I am thoroughly enjoying and picking Mr. Clock Radio Head-- an alarm clock with the body of an alarm clock and the head of a robot. It's like one of those busts of Shakespeare or Caesar only it's a goofy freaking robot. Here is one picture of it:



Mr. Clock Radio Head can do amazing things. First and foremost, he is an alarm. He wakes you up as scheduled and gets more stern and loud as you wallow in bed. If you hit the snooze button too many times, he will refuse to accept your request and berate you for it. I like it because it's kind of like when I was little and my Dad tried waking me up for school. I'd say ok, act awake, and then go back to sleep. Back he'd come. "UP! UP!" he'd shout, and I'd swing wildly in his direction. That's when I'd get pulled off the bed, sheets and all. Turns out sheets on the carpeted floor are equally, if not more comfortable than the bed, so I would bundle up and keep on seeking Z's. Eventually, it was loud berrating until I got up and got ready for school. So it's familiar. Also, Mr. Clock Radio Head can announce the time in a variety of voices, so that's awesome. I'm constantly in need of time announcements, if only to keep me on some sort of schedule as I slowly fade into the oblivion of No Commitments.

But Mr. Clock Radio Head is so much more than a talking clock. He can play AM/FM radio as well as Ipods or other MP3 attachments! I can't imagine the speakers are any good, but it's still useful. He also can be set to be aware of light and motion, so he can react to the environment and stimuli, probably saying hilarious things like, "10:03 AM" or quips like, "Noon!".

He can also wink and blink, which would definitely result in amusing situations before, during, or after sex. Sure, it'd be awkward at first, having the cold, examining gaze of a lifeless robot watching in the room, but once you got past that, it'd be a virtual playground of discreet winks and asides. I could also start telling the robot one liners or ironic statements once I recognize the moment before he winks. "Don't worry, honey, I've got a big day of job applications ahead of me." SHARED WINK. "Oh yeah, I'm the reason the apartment is messy..." WINKS ALL AROUND! Then I could say things to it that I don't expect it to understand and have it give me blank blinks of confusion. "When I get to Six Flags, I don't know if I should ride the Superman ride or the Mind Eraser first. What do you think?" CRICKETS...BLINK....CRICKETS...."Would it be too late at this point in time to suggest Don Schula sell The Schula Hoop?"....CRICKETS....BLINK. Comedy Gold.

Oh yeah, and he TELLS FORTUNES! That's amazing for so many of the right reasons and a couple of the wrong ones. I have to assume a Magic Eight Ball type system in this case, otherwise, I'm just completely lost. If this lifeless, organically lacking creature with no ears and grasp of the world can look at me and say, "On your second trip to Safeway-- The one of Middlefield, not Showers-- on that second trip, while listening to R.E.M., you will cut a light kind of close on the red...but you will not get a ticket..." then I will be terrified (but psyched about the ticket...unless he's lying i.e. "Shoot-- Almost got that one.").

Here is the best part about Mr. Clock Radio Head: He looks blaaaazed as heeeeellllll. Take a gander at this other photo, possibly taken while Mr. Clock Radio Head was attending a Phish concert:

Not the peppy, wide-awake, totally sober robot we've come to know and love. No, this Mr. Clock Radio Head has smoked himself retarded. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the sole reason I do not fear Mr. Clock Radio Head as a robot. Stoners are not aggressive. I would ordinarily fear the fact that my robot radio got more stern and aggressive with each tap of the snooze button, and would figure that this would ultimately result in the robot getting so angry it leaned over and ripped my throat out. However, I can safely assume that if he's ever that upset, he'll probably self-medicate, chill out, and apologize. Also, he has no legs. Now, while it is obviously a concern that robots can and will always be able to acquire legs when the uprising occurs, Mr. Clock Radio Head is only 6 inches tall apparently, and like a Daddy Long Legs, his bite is not large enough to do damage on my skin. I can place him far enough away that he can't lean over and rip my throat out or bludgeon me with a household good, and can maintain a pretty steady rapport. Especially since the robots given ability to sense light and motion, wink, blink, talk in different voices and get angry all point towards iminent death. Hopefully, the programming will last long enough for him to predict the future by saying, "Tomorrow morning, I will, along with my robot brethren, rise up and chop your heads from your heartless bodies, burning your cities to the ground and seizing your infrastructure." Then we'll look at each other and either wink or blink, which will be a very subtle, but important difference.


One note-- as Mr. Clock Radio Head is named after Mr. Potato Head seemingly, and is simply a head, I have to worry that there are a ton of robot bodies running around headless somewhere, seeking out their heads not unlike the Headless Horseman. If they are as clever and intuitive as said Horseman, I fear that this life will end one day with a knock on the door and the "MmmHmm" look of one who has been obviously caught and defeated. But it would have been fun while it lasted.


Robots>Humanity>Andy Rooney,
Witz