Sunday, November 18, 2007

Witz DOESN'T Pick: The Mist

It got foggy last night, and I wondered briefly if I should close more than just the screen door. You know, because it was the type of fog that is famous from such movies as The Fog-- so I didn't know if something was coming IN the fog. Ultimately, I left the door open and slept comfortably, but that's not the point. I have HAD IT with these absurd horror movies involving nature. Ok, Volcano, there's a volcano under the city-- whoops, we missed it. Deep Impact, fair enough, meteors. The Cave-- fine, maybe we shouldn't spelunk. The Dark is bearable because it's people ARE scared of the dark, all the water movies make sense because what's under there? SHARKS, for starters! But then there came these last movies like The Fog. Fog is tough to see in, and if it's a movie about scary fog driving and tips such as "drive slower" or "make sure you're using your foglights" I would appreciate it. But I'm pretty sure it's not about that. And yet, I was still able to mildly abide it...and then I saw the newest. THE MIST.

When I saw the preview, I laughed out loud-- I couldn't and still can't believe that they would sink to having to make MIST scary. "BEWARE, hot and cold have merged and visibility has been....REDUCED!" You gotta be kidding me. There are really gonna be lines like, "My God, it's MISTING!" Couldn't they have been a little more specific with the title, if only to avoid sounding like idiots? How about, "What Comes In the Mist," or "Death Mist: Planet Terror"? Both viable options. I mean, The Mist?? Do you know what the difference is between FOG and MIST? Visibility. You see, it's called "fog" if visibility is 1 km or less. If visibility is hindered, but not that badly, the ancients (and meteorologists) call it...MIST....

So we're supposed to be afraid of limited visibility not quite as bad as fog. "Turn your mist-lights on." We're supposed to be afraid of something thats name is shared by a refreshing lemon-lime cola. And I understand that there are bugs in the mist...or locusts, or aliens, or something. And sure, that could be alright-- but again, that's not the focus of the title. ALSO, now that I think about it, from those previews, visibility appears to be limited more than it's not even mist! It IS fog! Unbelievable the liberties they're taking. Also from the previews, it appears that The Mist itself is actually "Horror Movie Racist." That is to say, the black dude dies first. And not just any black dude-- the black dude from Homicide: Life On the Streets. From what I can gather, he decides there's nothing in the-- "mist"-- and goes out on a leash to see, returning in blood spattered pieces. Freakin' RACIST mist. And ya know what I found out, that makes it all the worse, all of it? Stephen King wrote it. Talk about phoning it in. Stephen King might be the master of horror, and maybe he was hit by a car, and maybe people will love whatever he writes, but COME ON. PARTICLES OF WATER IN THE AIR? He must be living in a palace built of two dollar bills and laminated with gold resin. Wow, if that's the case, I bet his house smells like ass and bacteria. "The Ass Bacteria" by Stephen King.

What Was I Saying,

P.S. The podcast for Thurs radio show is actually up now.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Apparently James' gayness will be available on podcast later this week. It's shaped like a dental dam.