Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Witz Pickz: Toothpaste.

That's right-- toothpaste. And I'll tell ya why (what if one day I just DIDN'T tell you why-- I just said it was so)-- because they just don't give a damn.

For years, YEEEEARS, people have complained about the toothpaste tube and how it gets stuck at the bottom, and you have to roll it up, etc, etc. And have toothpaste manufacturers responded at all? NOPE! Toothpaste containers have not advanced AT ALL in the last fifty years (at least). No amount of complaints, jokes, or quips will make them budge. They know they have the market cornered, and as long as everyone sticks together, there won't be the need for any changes. But would it really be that difficult to fix? Couldn't toothpaste come in a pump like soap? Wouldn't that solve all problems? I'm gonna find out the next time I empty out a soap container. It might be incredibly difficult to get the toothpaste in there, and yeah, maybe it'll clog up the pump, but if it works, I'm gonna be rich. See how often I post THEN! I mean-- on to other things.

The other and more important reason I choose Toothpaste, is that they seem to have no oversight whatsoever. They slap on whatever the hell they want onto a package and get people to buy it for all kinds of reason. "WHITENING!" "CAVITY PROTECTION" "TARTAR CONTROL!" they boast. "EXTRA WHITE!" "SPARKLE SHINE!" "MINTY SPARKLE!". They all mean essentialy the same thing, "We're gonna clean your teeth now." But they find millions of ways to say it. "ADVANCED WHITENING" shouldn't exist at the same time as "WHITENING." Once the advancement of technology has been made, it's time to let the old stuff go. But everytime I go to buy toothpaste, I have to make the decision between "Advanced Whitening, Whitening, Extra Whitening, Sparkle Shine White" and on and on. Can we get a chart on the progression of "Advanced, Extra, Ultra, Super, Premium," when it comes to whitening and control? And then I see, "Tartar Control" glaring at me from down on the shelf, forgotten. Well, I still want tartar control right? I can't just let it run free. And I probably stick want Cavity Protection-- I mean, it IS toothpaste right? But then there are ones that say, "Advanced Whitening with Tartar Control." Doesn't the act of brushing teeth CONTROL TARTAR? Isn't that how it works? And if something is "With Tartar control" or "With Cavity Protection" does that mean the quality of the secondary promise is less than the initial promise of whitening? Grammatically, I fear it's subtleties and lack of clarification. But at the same time, I do respect it, because we don't know shit about shit when it comes to toothpaste, or teeth, or dentistry. When people come close to learning the secrets (aka becoming Dentists), the toothpaste people secretly kill them and make it look like suicides. THAT'S why dentists have the highest "suicide" rate. And you have to respect and Pick a product that has such commitment to itself.

Union Trade, The -- Now the Swell: Check these guys out on They are kinda like Explosions in the Sky and The Album Leaf with a little bit of southern accented vocals every now and then. Good stuff.

Advancedly White,

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