Witz Pickz: Yogurt Being Yogurt

There's a saying you've probably heard if you follow baseball at all-- "Manny Being Manny." This refers to Manny Ramirez being absolutely ridiculous, but true to his nature. He says crazy stuff, he acts a little off sometimes, but he is himself. Well, it's about time yogurt takes up the Manny baton and starts acting like yogurt. You know that Mitch Hedberg joke about Ritz crackers and how they have all the suggestions as to what to put on there, but he bought Ritz because he wants Ritz. The company has no faith in its product. I feel like yogurt producers have lost faith in yogurt. Why do I think this? Because I was at the store, and looking for yogurt and saw how far past the line it has gone. Here are the acceptable types of yogurt historically: Strawberry, Blueberry, Strawberry Banana, Vanilla, French Vanilla, Mixed Berry, Peach, Blackberry, etc with the berries. What did I see on the shelves? Boston Creme Pie Yogurt. Key Lime Pie, Coconut Cream Pie, and Lemon Chiffon Yogurt. Those I've seen before. Here are the new ones-- Caramel Apple Yogurt, Caffe Latte Yogurt, Chai Yogurt, S'mores Yogurt, and on and on and on. Those are the big hitters. Now here's the thing-- I'm ok with yogurt where clearly you add something and it ends up being that flavor. Add blueberries to yogurt-- BAM-- blueberry yogurt. But somehow, I don't see them shoving a Boston Cream Pie into a yogurt cup. I haven't even seen a Boston Cream Pie in years-- are they using them all for yogurts now and donuts? Orange Cream as in a Creamsicle was one of the other flavors. They just throw that all in a blender? Pumpkin Spice? They throw Pumpkin pie in yogurt because I tried it, and it tastes like damn Pumpkin Pie. Oh-- but here's the rub:

You can say that all these flavors are acceptable and hey, let's not be prejudiced, right? I mean, to be fair, I could be writing this in the early 1800's and be like, "Witz Pickz: Slaves Being Slaves" and I'd think I was right, theoretically. So why be such a flavorist in this case? Here's the thing-- they all taste terrible. By nature, yogurt tastes a little sour, right? With the berries it kinda works because they are tart or simply chunks of fruit. But what does a Chai Latte Yogurt taste like? Well, it tastes like a sour chai latte. Nevermind the fact that it's solid and sour, meaning, it's exactly like if you left our your chai latte for a week on the counter. What's a Boston Cream Pie Yogurt taste like? Yep, it tastes like SOUR Boston Cream Pie. Pumpkin? Sour Pumpkin Yogurt.

And none of this really struck me until I ate the Pumpkin one. I kinda was ok with the Banana Cream Pie although it's a little sour, and I can get down the the BCP one, don't get me wrong. But, I ate the pumpkin pie yogurt and had to admit that, "Yes, this tastes exactly like pumpkin pie...only a little sour." Why am I needing to ingest pumpkin pie in yogurt form? If I want pumpkin pie, holy shit, I need to live life at the level of self-respect and enjoyment that I will go get some actual pumpkin pie. Yogurt isn't toothpaste-- we don't need to hide the flavor. If you like yogurt, eat yogurt. If you don't, eat something else that's healthy. Don't force yourself to eat yogurt in secret sneaky form. Just drink a glass of milk for your calcium and wash down a small slice of Boston Cream Pie. I guarentee you'll be ok. And if you can't handle the calories, try jogging a little longer than usual (I assume you must exercise already if you're that worked up about it), do an extra few pushups, situps, or ass-crunches (sounds half like a torture method and half like a really good kind of apple). All I'm saying, ultimately, is that I DO like yogurt, and guess what? There are a lot of good flavors out there. I don't need my yogurt to be my serving of Key Lime Pie. I want my yogurt to be yogurt, and I think it's about time the yogurt execs get back to basics and restore some faith in their product. It must have all started when someone said, "Why don't you go ahead and throw some grapenuts in there?" It's a slippery slope from granola, nutmeg, or grapenuts to Boston Cream Pies, Chai Lattes, and ultimately, Crack. And while I do LOVE the idea that crackheads rob a Safeway/Stop & Shop/Big Y and are caught slurping up crack-gurt in the alley, it's not really part of the world I want to live in.

Go-Gurt's Blowin' Dudes At the Bus Station Now (How Quickly Things Change),
Witz