Witz Pickz: The Picking War

On this, the first Monday after Thanksgiving, in the year two-thousand and seven, a new enemy has emerged from the shadows and stands tall and cockily against the disorganized backdrop of the Picking Landscape: The Malou Review.

With Andy Rooney in my rearview, and fueled by turkey and sweet potatoes, it is time for me to charge headlong up the scale of life (a metaphor that alllllmost works) and set my sights on the Malou Review. Let's take a quick peek at the Scale O' Life to find out where we're at:

Scale O' Life (Fragile: Do Not Tip or Drop):

1) John Henry/Tom Werner/Larry Lucchino/Theo Epstein (Momentarily)
2) George Clooney (Yeah, I saw Ocean's Thirteen)
3) Oprah Winfrey
4) Jerry Seinfeld
5) Bill Clinton (with a slight boost from Hillary)
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2,304,001) Sandra Oh (a downgrade-- get a better tv show or get a plotline-- oops no writers)
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4,112,345,326) LonelyGirl15
4,304,059,673) Andy Milonakis
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5,000,108,423) Malou Nubla (of the Malou Review)
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5,001,118,322) Witz Pickz
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5,908,345,347) Andy Rooney


HEY HEY! Looks like Witz moved up a few mill. Nice. But there's that Malou Nubla character just a million and a handful ahead, taunting me with her professionalism and spot in the public eye. It's time to take a look at this Malou who is partial to the Review.

I first saw Malou Nubla on Thanksgiving while relaxing and working on a heart attack of a plate of food. The two are very important in tandem. So you can imagine my odds of cardiac arrest when all of a sudden on my television, I see a promo for a woman being described as making judgements of quality of everyday items. From restaurants to pies, to vacation spots to wines. She's based on FOX 2 in San Francisco and has her OWN SHOW on Sunday nights at 6pm (see how I'm not scared to give you the details? I don't fear Malou, even bearing consanance). At first, I wasn't all that worried, I thought, ok, this is fairly normal for local channels, and My Friend With A Pool joked that she "pickz" stuff too. Which was find up until I saw the name. THE MALOU REVIEW. RHYMING. CONSONANCE RIDDEN! And it has an even goofier, freewheelin' edge to it (the Ma-LOO part makes it funnier) that I can never achieve. Slight panic. I checked her site and she has only FOUR episodes available labeled episodes 1-4. This is good news. Malou is New and might not survive. Only I have to cringe when I hear her slogan at the top of the show:

"I'm Malou Nubla, and I'll review just about ANYTHING."

EFF. THAT'S MY THIIIIIIIIIING! Why couldn't she say like, "I'm Malou Nubla and I'll review everything except for robot clock radios!" or "I'm Malou Nubla, and I'll review everything you don't want to hear about and not make it funny or intriguing!" And the fact that she's a fairly attractive woman makes it even worse. Here I am, stuck behind HTML while Malou can throw on all sorts of cleavage revealing dresses and talk about NBA players' hair cuts. This could be a brutal war, but I'll do my part to win it. Oh no, and as a woman, I bet she can review things I won't ever review; like tampons, or the Subaru Forrester, or Man Ass! Oh God, she's gonna review Man Ass! How am I gonna--
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WITZ PICKZ: MAN ASS!

WOOOOOT! Right? Am I right?? You know what I'm talkin' 'bout ladies. Holla for the tightness! Ain't nothin' better than watchin' a six foot eight latin man walking down the street after working out at the gym and watching that buh-buh buh-buh buh-buh of his beating like a Native American drum signalling it's time to migrate to the south and make some babies (or is that birds...)! Butts us women like to make food eating references off of, like, "I'd eat a turkey dinner off of THAT ass (insanitary and afterwards I'd get tired and fall asleep)!" And not WOMEN ASS neither-- MAN ASS. I'd like to take that song My Girl and change all the choruses to "Talkin' bout MAN ASSSS-- man ass!" thats how legitimately and honestly I am in a position to pick it. Just like Malou who I am better than. ........MAN ASS! And also, Go tampons...with the, uh, pads, and...uh...wings?
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WHATTYA THINK OF THAT MALOU!? I can do anything Malou can do better-- I can do anything better than Malou. The war is on, I'm comin' for her, and while she might not be aware enough to do anything about it, she'll feel my presence from afar as a tingle on her neck, like the sense of danger a deer feels when being hunted by a crocodile, just before the crocodile pounces. And she'll itch her neck, and try and giggle and not smudge her make up as the camera's about to roll, but deep down inside, she'll know, like a night hawk being well aware that there's probably a day hawk. I am...both hawks...and Malou is...the deer. Witz Pickz: Victory.

I'll Just Sit Back and Wait For This To Be Taken Out of Context,
Witz



P.S. Look at her ishy blog! Witz Pickz is a dominant force. "Consider Malou's endorsement a stamp of approval," it says. Phff, gimme a break. You can't TELL the people, you gotta SHOW the people. http://maloureview.wordpress.com/

P.P.S. She does seem nice though...