Witz Pickz: Weekend Prep Pickz

It’s Thursday already, which is tremendous and rewarding, and after you all listen to my radio show live or checkout the podcast tomorrow, you’ll need some things to do. So here is a little pick-nic, a grab bag, a survival kit, if you will, of things to make your weekend better (or to avoid in order to keep your weekend at a high functioning level).

HU$TLE: TV is dead and you need a show to kill some time during the long, non-football hours of this weekend. Well, I suggest checking out Hustle, a BBC show from the makers of MI-5. Hustle cleverly spells it’s name with a money sign to let you know that a) there’s money involved b) the show is clever and c) not all is as it seems. The show is about a bunch of British grifters and if you’re anything like me, you love a good long con. Or short con. Cons are really enjoyable for me—not the kind that’ll punch you in the face and take your…respect…but the other definition that tricks people into giving you money. Lila from Dexter is in it which is interesting, as are some other vaguely recognizable British actors. Considering the BBC’s history of cheesy production, it’s very well done, well written, and only a couple DVD’s per season. It’s just the type of show Murs* would like.

Colgate Max Fresh Toothpaste: This toothpaste is like Hustle because they con you into thinking its more effective than other toothpaste. In fact, I’m pretty sure MOST toothpastes do this, and I really don’t believe that any one toothpaste is better at freshness than any other. The FLAVORS? YES. The effectiveness of freshness? No. The hook with this brand is that they have mini-breath strips IN the toothpaste. These are little squares like the Listerine fresh breath strips that are actually inside the gel like fruit stuck in jell-o. When you brush your teeth, they allegedly go and get their fresh on. In actuality, if you don’t brush for more than 5 minutes, you end up spitting out a whole slew of mini-breath strips. Hoax. HOWEVER, this toothpaste wins a pick because of its name. Max Fresh sounds like the name of a G-Funk Era Porn Star. Max Fresh would “get his clean on for the ladies.” Max Fresh would “get his test on for the HIV and STD’s.” Max Fresh would “do kinky shit if the gig paid,” and would definitely, “do whatever was necessary for a quality money shot.” Max Fresh takes his profession seriously. Max Fresh would like to have been a B-Boy, but got caught up in the porn game and never looked back. When girls on the set brush their teeth after a long day at work, they use Colgate brand Max Fresh Toothpaste.

Gordon Biersch Winter Hook Beer: I hit up the Gordon Biersch Brewery this weekend for the first time in San Francisco and was immediately greeted by Thatch, a waiter whose name so obviously speaks for his personality that I was overwhelmed with his cool. Thatch didn’t give much of a shit about classic waiter/patron rapport and started dropping serious knowledge on us. He assumed we’d been there before and we hadn’t, so Thatch asked if we wanted the beer sampler for free. I kind of assumed he said, “I’m going to give you a free beer sampler because who doesn’t want that,” so I waited a few seconds before realizing it was a question and answered, “Yes.” We were then brought an assortment of eight beers in shot glass sized samplers. He then went into describing each beer as if we’d never heard of beer before, which was actually kind of amusing. He showed us the Blonde Ale, the Pilsner, the stout, the Heffeweizen, and couple others before getting to the seasonal. He described one of them as being, “medium hops, medium flavor, medium body, medium alcohol content, and medium calories.” I promptly quipped, “…And it’s just ok….” To which Thatch stared at me as if to say, “Oh, I get it, you’re the ‘funny guy.’ Does that work with the ladies, ‘cause I’m the Cool Guy, and before you ask, Yes, It Does.” I couldn’t even hate him for it. Thatch WAS cool. He eventually got to the Seasonal Brew and told us it was his favorite. It was the most flavorful, the highest alcohol content, the best taste, and only around for a little while longer. He so oversold it that I felt like a chump when I finally told him that I wanted it. And it WAS delicious. And it WAS high in alcohol. And it WAS worth my money. So if you’re looking for a beer this weekend, I suggest the Gordon Biersch Winter Hook.

No One Belongs Here More Than You: Miranda July:
This might be kind of a downer of a book, but if it’s rainy this weekend and you just wanna curl up with a book and read, I very much pick this book of short stories. Miranda July is the performance artist who wrote and starred in Me, and You, and Everyone We Know, and some of the same themes of loneliness and human connectedness of that film are present in her book. Clever, poignant, sadly amusing, and often overly sexual, Miranda July manages to blend a number of stories together through her strong tone and appealing voice. It’s like dark humor that’s meant to be taken seriously and is. Also, it’s only 200 pages and a fast read, so it’s a one or two day-er if you’re into it. Enjoy.

TGI Almost F,
Witz

*H-U-S-T-L-E hustler.