Witz Pickz: "Chocolate"

Chocolate. "Chocolate." Chocolate what? Cho-- co-- late. Eff. Why was the whitest middle aged man on the bus wearing a shirt that simply had the word "Chocolate" across the back, like on a jersey? I drove by, I glanced at the bus, and there it was. There he was. "Chocolate" just like that. So ok, let's say he plays a sport. Softball maybe-- perhaps soccer if he's kept his heart fit and found an older league. So ok, he needs the jersey. And he's wearing it on the bus, so maybe he's going TO a game, I mean, it's 4pm, that's possible. Or maybe he's done using it as a jersey and needs it as a SHIRT shirt, so it's from when he was a little younger. Fine. But still, WHY CHOCOLATE??

If he was black I'd understand. I wouldn't be able to SAY that I understood because then I'd get my ass beat, but I know the drill, I've seen Scrubs, and maybe this black guy goes affectionately by "Chocolate" when around his sports buddies. But the guy's not black. He's white and he's fifty-ish. Which brings up three options:

1) He shops at the Goodwill, but not very thoroughly. Totally possible. Finds a nice t-shirt that fits him, he's into sports, doesn't see the big deal or maybe doesn't even notice the name on the back. Not likely.

2) He has a friend named Chocolate and they traded jerseys. Possible, slightly more likely. Maybe his buddy couldn't play anymore and so he passed off the shirt. Maybe they traded jerseys and some black guy is walking around with a "Vanilla" shirt on somewhere, getting high fives and smiles. Which leads to our third option...

3) This is the coolest middle-aged man around. Is that possible? Is it possible that this guy is wearing the jersey knowingly and ironically? That he KNEW that being white and older would make wearing a "Chocolate" sports jersey ironic and amusing? I mean, what are the odds of me randomly seeing the Coolest Middle-Aged Man Around as I drove past him on the bus-- and in a position such that I was aware of his coolness? The odds have to be slim, right? But I mean, assuming that I wasn't LOOKING to find the Coolest Middle-Aged Man Around, the odds have to be better, I mean, because I wasn't WAITING for it to happen. So I just as easily could have seen the Most Slovenly Middle-Aged Man Around or the Shortest Shelf Stocker At the Grocer's. What I mean is that since I wasn't seeking anyone in particular, finding someone who is exceptional isn't all that crazy. If I was looking for Burt Reynolds and FOUND Burt Reynolds, well that'd be a whole lot crazier. Shit, it'd be practically insane of me to be looking for Burt Reynolds in the first place.

So what now, Chocolate? We never meet again? The mystery doesn't get solved? Is that really how the world is gonna work? Probably. I mean, it'd be shocking to run into the guy again, especially in the same shirt. The best I can do is put this out there, maybe place an ad in Craigslist's Missed Connections and see what comes of it.

"Missed Connection: I wore a track jacket and you wore a Chocolate jersey tee. You're glazed with age and I'm youthful with a little facial hair. I drove past you while you were on the bus and part of me thinks Will Smith's "Just the Two of Us" was playing on the radio, while another part of me knows that it was really a commercial for Trader Joe's. Perhaps we can meet in the "Cereals Nobody Wants to Eat Ever" aisle. I'll wear green, to blend in, and you-- well-- you'll be wearing your "Chocolate" jersey tee, and a smile that says, 'Hey, let's give this thing a chance.'"


I Am Way Too Old To Have My Real Last Name On the Back of a Real Professional Sports Team Jersey (and You Probably Are Too),
Witz