Witz DOESN'T Pick: Facial Hair Maintenance and Anarchy at 40

My beard is getting out of control. Not in the too long way that you'd expect beards to get out of control, and in fact, I feel a little weird saying that I have a beard-- I prefer "facial hair." But it's out of control. I had a stand up joke where I said, "You ever wonder if Hitler planned on having the tiny mustache or if he just kept taking a little too much off each side until finally-- BAM! Hitler Mustache!" Well, that's kind of what I'm dealing with with my facial hair.

In an attempt to free up some cheak space (aka face tattoo canvas), I shaved a little lower on my jawline. Then I had to even it out on the other side. And so on and so forth, until I passed sea level and suddenly found the line running BLL (below lip level). In order to keep me from looking bat-shit crazy, I have to maintain the chin hair right up to my lower lip, which means that my facial hair now DIPS and then SWELLS to reach back up to my lip. I have VALLEYS. I'm one false move away from having a David Ortiz chin strap-- which would be fine if I was 6'4'' and Dominican, but being 5'10'' and caucasian means that I won't look like a pro baseball player, but more like someone constantly fleeing a sex crime. There goes running.

As I try and fix things and put a little barrier between myself and wanted posters, I keep having partial hills, making my beard line look like a wave. Like there is a swell. Like when I look at myself in the mirror, I get motion sick. I don't even know how to fix things at this point besides shaving entirely and nobody wants that. Maybe I'll just grow the Hitler stache and take some heat away from the beard. At least then I'd be, "taking it back." The Hitler Mustache Monologues:

"I. am. a. MUSTACHE. I am a HITLER MUSTACHE. I am small and I am powerful! When I speak, people listen. When I yell, people move. 'Hitler Mustache.' Say it with me-- we are taking it back one, one follicle at a time-- 'Hitler Mustache.' Hate the playa, not the game. I am beautiful. I am free. I am a hitler mustache."

I think we can agree that was weird for everyone involved, but I always said if I could make a stab at a half-decent Vagina Monologues parody, I would. They're not all gems.

Anarchy At 40:
I was at BFD in Mountain View, CA over the weekend, which is a big music festival that happened to have a lot of bands that I like(d). One such band is Pennywise, a punk band that has been performing for over 20 years and has always been political in some respect. I'd seen them in high school, but this was the first time I'd seen them in years and something struck me: Pennywise when they were 30 and I was in high school was cool, political, rebellious, and powerful-- Pennywise at 40? Bigtime assholes.

I mean, maybe it's just growing up, but I've apparently grown past the point when anarchy is a viable option, and when concerns like health care are pertinent. Pennywise has always been political, like in the song "My Own Country" that they performed to everyone's enjoyment. And that's cool. But then they play songs called like Your Own Rules or something, and it's basically saying to do what you want because it's your life and your world and fuck everybody else, you should be able to party and go crazy, and do what you want all the time. I found myself staring at the stage thinking, "No, no, please don't do that. My friend lost his wallet, and we need someone to turn it into the lost and found." Meanwhile, people are throwing shoes, wallets, and phones that they found in the pit every which way with glee. Woo. Anarchy.

Why not something more along the lines of, "Have a reasonable amount of fun while respecting others!" It doesn't sound as catchy, but that's a message I can roll with. In addition, right after Anti-Flag played and gave a speech about taking action in one form or another no matter what you believe, Pennywise declares, "It doesn't fucking matter who you vote for, they're all liars and say one thing and do another!" Which got a whole bunch of cheers.

Fuck, dude.

I mean, yeah, sure, but at forty years old, aren't you at the point where MAAAAYBE you see some point to getting people to vote? Maybe Obama's not gonna solve healthcare, but when you get one of those girls on stage pregnant, wouldn't you at least like her to have the option to consider a legal abortion? And how are gas prices working out for you? I've actually started converting gallons of gas to baseball caps because they are a far more stable currency. Telling people that you're broke because you bought 10 gallons of gas means you spent anywhere between 30 and 70 dollars depending on when you bought it. Baseball caps have been $20 since the early 90's and for the most part will continue to be. I bought 2 baseball caps of gas. So vote.

I still rocked out in the pit to Bro Hymn Tribute.

"Who's the narc?",
Witz