Thursday, June 05, 2008

Witz Pickz: Puppy Dogs and Ice Cream

I realized after yesterday's post that I've probably come off as extremely bitter and crotchety lately, what with my lack of enthusiasm for disabled runners, my lack of support of blind people, and my dream vomiting and whatnot. So today, I decided to step up to the plate and make some picks to set things back in balance. This should even out everything negative I've said before.

Puppy Dogs:
Puppies are amazing. They're all yappy and energetic with love and friendship, and the fact that they're small means they win bonus points on the adorable scale (the scale runs from "a kitten with a ball of yarn" on the high end to "Louie Anderson with a bag of pork rinds" on the low end). In the movie Swingers, there's a line, "You start talking puppy dogs and ice cream and of course it's going to end up on the friendship tip." Puppy dogs are wholesome and friendly. During a documentary film class, this exchange took place, and while I cringed painfully and wanted to hit somebody, it proves my point:

Guy 1: Ok group, I need something, like an image, to represent like, love and happiness....
(group pause)
Guy 2: How about a puppy?
(Witz and My Friend With A Pool almost vomit in own mouths)
Group: Yeah! Oh my god, that's perfect! Puppies!
Professor: That's a great idea!
(Witz and My Friend With A Pool proceed to skip the next month of classes)

Ice Cream:
Unlike some false slogans like, "I'm lovin' it," (which should be, "I'm broke as shit") ice cream has rolled with their honest slogan, "I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream," for years. It's a risky slogan because nobody LIKES screaming, and it usually reminds them of something terrible. But Ice Cream knows that they already won the battle. There's no war between ice cream and other similar products. Frozen Yogurt got it's ass handed to them years ago except for the occasional health break, and the only true ice cream competitor is Dip N' Dots-- and unless you sleep under the bleachers at Fenway Park, you aren't going to run into Dip N' Dots very often. So ice cream can say whatever the hell it wants-- it's ICE CREAM.

Here's the other thing about the slogan-- it's true. When you ask a little kid if they want ice cream, they invariably scream, "YEAHHHHHH!" People get pumped for ice cream. At the same time, even if people aren't excited for ice cream, they still scream. Sometimes, it's because they bit into ice cream and have sensitive teeth. I think we've all done it before. "GAAAAHHHHHHHHH-- OH!...THIT!" Still-- screaming. Then, there are the people who are lactose intolerant. If they eat ice cream for some reason, they eventually start screaming and moaning as they feel the effects. More of a, "Uhhhhhhhggg!" If they want ice cream, but KNOW they can't have it, they scream because of the frustration. "C'MOOOOOOOOOOON!" So really, Ice Cream's slogan should be, "Yeeeeaaah! Gaaaaaahhhhh! Uhhhhg! C'moooooon!" but I think there's is catchier.

And finally, to win the day, and set me back on the track towards joy and stability, here is the damned cutest thing ever, courtesy of Dre(a), M.D.:

George Lucas: And then we'll have a tiger!
Steven Spielberg: And it'll just pop up out of nowhere!
George Lucas: And it'll HUG the person!
Steven Spielberg: Thereby exhibiting vaguely human emotions!
George Lucas: God, that's gonna be cute as hell!
Steven Spielberg: It'll be the cutest thing they ever saw.

And So It Was,


IrishGal said...

Don't forget the ice cream "headaches" that happen after one eats too fast. Ugh, those are the worst!

JKow said...

To add a further point about ice cream's udder dominance of frozen yogurt: the emergence of the slow-churned style. two-thirds the calories, half the fat, and and all the flavor. does anyone even bother to sell "fro-yo" anymore?

Perhaps the best part of the hugging lion video: the precious anchor banter right at the end. this stuff is always great... just not as good as this: