Witz Pickz: Auto Lights On and Airport Oddities...

You ever walk into an office bathroom and the automatic lights go on, and just get excited? There's a kind of freedom in that that you can't find anywhere else in public. I immediately start having crazy ideas of what I'm gonna do-- rollerblade, play some wiffleball, watch a movie on my laptop, maybe set some traps for future "guests." Maybe you take a look in the GIANT mirror that's all yours and start to get crazy ideas about choreographing a dance or stage jump, or play a little air guitar. If you're like me, you take the opportunity to open wide and snoop out your tonsils, just to get a good look at the next week-- it's like the Punxsutawney Phil on Groundhog's Day, if my tonsils are red, spring and life are on their way, if they're white, it's gonna be a long unhealthy winter. If you don't need to check your future health, maybe get some crazy faces going-- because nothing makes you feel more free in the workplace than making INSANE, ridiculous, faces into a giant mirror in the bathroom. That is, until someone walks in and sees you mid Crazy Face and you have to fake like you were doing something reasonable, like flossing (which is difficult without floss) or...fighting lockjaw. I like to freeze everything completely as I am and say as clearly as possible with my frozen face, "There's a spider somewhere in here!" Try sauntering up casually to the urinal now, buddy. Inevitably, someone DOES walk in, and the freedom is gone, back to the world, without a single movie watched, ball wiffled, or blade rolled. That is why it is so exciting to begin with. Potential.

It's important to note that the "excitement" of the auto-light entry into the bathroom only applies to work hours of 8am-6pm. After hours, the "excitement" should turn to "terror and paranoia." Instead of "endless possibilities for fun" there is "a good chance of murder and death." Even if you check under all the stalls you don't feel safe, because who knows what's lurking or might enter the room? Have you ever tried to pee INTIMIDATINGLY? It's very difficult-- I don't care if you're a guy or a girl. You have to exude an air of authority and rage, as if to say, "Yeah, I'm getting rid of this and when that's done I'm getting rid of YOU!" Now, as a guy, try doing that over your shoulder while you face the toilet/urinal. The result is almost always a cross between Zoolander and Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Maybe you think you're saying, "Fuck off," but what the rest of the world interprets that look as is, "I'm passing a kidney stone."

Whether you're during office hours or not, the key is to make sure that you're aware of the situation when those lights go on. Make sure no one else is in there with you if you're gonna start to get your Drumline on. Don't go running around the bathroom recreating Stomp before you make sure there's no one in the handicapped stall. The only thing more awkward than being caught looking ridiculous in the bathroom is being someone in the bathroom when the lights go out. That pretty much means that they have been completely inactive and motionless for 10+ minutes, but they're cool with it. That's when the excitement of the auto lights on, turns into the bastion of the auto lights off. Please someone name your band Auto Lights Off.

Airport Oddity:
Ever read the instruction manual to A BACKPACK? I know an elderly woman who has! In the airport yesterday while waiting for my inevitably delayed flight, I watched as an old lady literally read her backpack instruction manual from cover to cover-- and loved it. Her slightly embarrassed looking husband sat coolly a couple seats away, and tried to hide the annoyance in his voice when she said something to him like,

"Oh, look at this! They elastisized this strap so it fits tight around your chest!"
"How 'bout that," he responded less than enthused.
"What do you think this clip is for?" she inquired.
"That's for clipping most anything to, I imagine," he replied, losing some of his authority.
"Well, look at this! This zipper is actually a way to expand the inner pocket!" she trilled, VERY excited by the development.
"Uh-huh," he quipped, clearly a man who was well aware of expanding backpack pocket zippers.

And she went on like this, every now and then exclaiming excitedly about a basic backpack feature. "They have these small pockets on the sides for your cell phone or whatever else you'd like to put there! Look how this secures around your waist! Look how your water bottle can go in this mesh pocket!" It was literally like she had never seen a mildly recent backpack. I obviously got all excited, thinking that this was a rich couple who might hire me to teach them very very basic tasks and equipment usage (i.e. my dream job of teaching the Lost Boys of Sudan how to use things like microwaves, and other basic actions that I'm fucking great at). I played out a whole fantasy of me showing her how you can hang the backpack on a hook from that top strap, and having her demand I go with them to the Bahamas before returning to their mansion in California where I would have a floor to myself, a recording studio in the basement, and all I had to do in return was astound them with my expertise of the digital cable.

Automatic Lights Are Robbing Me of A Skill To Teach the Elderly and the Newly Immigrated,
Witz

P.S. Sorry for the no posts the last few days, my good friends and Witz Pickz readers are getting married tomorrow, so I've been busy leaving and arriving. Congratulations to Jeff and Karina (aka J-Kow and K-Ray in posts), to whom I say, congrats, good luck, and I'm as baffled as you are that I chose the vegetarian option...L'Chaim!