Witz Pickz: Gold, but not Blind People Money

Each and every day we have the opportunity to discover something about ourselves. This morning, while in search of a nail clipper (I was at that point when you just straight up forget to clip your nails or there's never a nail clipper around, and then all of a sudden your co-workers are looking at you like you're growing out a cocaine pinky) and completely unexpectedly, the first one presented to me was GOLD. That's right-- GOLD. Instead of a simple grooming tool, I had been handed treasure which of course always implies the possibility of MORE treasure!

Gold is so valued in our psyche and so absent from our culture on an everyday basis, that simple things like this could vastly increase our enjoyment of life. When I started using the gold nail clipper, my mind's only recourse was to assume that I had just found a relic from a spanish armada that had sunk a hundred plus years ago. I was no longer "attending work," I was treasure hunting. At any moment, I thought Indiana Jones might swing out, punch me in the face, and say, "This BELONGS in a MUSEUM!" I'd be like, "Duude, just aaask me for it!" and then I'd get his ass thrown in jail for assault and kicked off medicare.

Things don't even need to be made of real gold (I assume the nail clipper was fake gold, but not necessarily fool's gold, which is the most hilarious of metals. I want to open a jewelry store that only sells fool's gold jewelry. It'll be super cheap apparently to get the metal, and the result will look exactly the same), they can just be a gold color and our minds will be equally pumped about it. Which do you like more? Quarters or Sacajawea dollar coins? Would Charlie have been as motivated to buy a chocolate bar if he was only trying to find a "Silver Ticket" to Willy Wonka's factory? If you're of the Jewish persuasion, how do you feel about Hanukkah Gelt? Precisely.


BUT


Witz DOESN'T Pick: Money For Blind People!
The more I post the more I realize I'm a conservative bastard. And not for the big issues-- I mean, I'm all for same sex marriage, I think it's insane that they'd overturn Roe v. Wade, and I don't see any problems with polygamy if that's the boat you wanna float in. I think Wesley Snipes should pay his taxes, but I understand why he tried not to, I think there should be a graduated income tax because I'm poor, and I think that if the illegal immigrants working in America got through the fence, we should go ahead and make em legal-- we all enjoy a good game of Red Rover. HOWEVER. When it comes to ridiculous, minute, absurdly specific issues, I'm an uninformed conservative bastard (see Cheetah Legs).

I heard a story recently about how people are saying that, "Money discriminates against blind people." You see, because blind people aren't able to tell what denomination each piece of currency is (bills), money discriminates against them. It is, therefore, the government's job to make money that is able to be felt by the blind. When someone said something along the lines of, "Blind people should just have a friend or family member organize their money or tell them what is what," the response came, "That's like telling a person in a wheelchair to just crawl up the steps," or something similar. While it's not actually like that (it's more like telling a person in a wheel chair to just have his buddies haul him up the steps), both sides have a point. Yet, for some reason, I'm taking the conservative side of this one.

Maybe it's just because the phrase, "Money discriminates against blind people," makes my eyes twitch-- as if money is actively doing something:

"Are you a five or a twenty?"
"Fuck you, homey."
"Please?"
"No way, peepers, get your ass some Lasik and we can talk."
"But lasik won't help me!"
"Not my problem, bro. YOU'RE the blind one!"

Money is not discriminatory. Blind people just have a problem and maybe we should do something about that, but also, maybe that's just one of those obstacles that needs to be overcome with ingenuity. I mean, if you're blind AND alone, life already sucks-- maybe money isn't your biggest problem. Also, if we give blind people a system of money that isn't easily exploited by crooked shop owners who don't give them enough change, what incentive do we give the blind to become OBSCENELY RICH? None! If they are able to keep the money they rightfully have, they won't be forced to earn excess money, and improve the economy. And we all know that at least 45% of our customer service economy is supported by short-changing the blind.

I also will refer to my previous comments regarding gold, when I offer this solution: ONLY CARRY CHANGE. You can feel the difference between coins, and carrying around a Sack o' Jaweas would be cool as hell. When my friends and I discovered in high school that a particular snack machine was paying out change in sacajawea dollars, we dropped a 20 in there, pressed B5 for the "Dolphins and Friends," and watched like we just hit it big at a casino when the coins started pouring out. Plus, there are physical strength benefits. It would also eliminate the ability for owners to short-change them-- because they'd always be giving exact change. This is a solution to a real problem, but discrimination has nothing to do with it. If we deem money discriminatory for blind people, what will come next? Basketball hoops are discriminatory to me, because I can't dunk. Good wine, first class, and a full tank of gas are discriminatory because I can't afford them. And don't even get me started on super-models.

With A Little Bit of Gold and a Pager,
Witz