Monday, June 02, 2008

Witz Pickz: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Guess who's back-- back again. Witz is back-- tell your friends. Witz is back, Witz is back, Witz is-- Are these 2002 Eminem references doing anything for ya? No? Fine, I'll get to the point. Sorry for the wait, but it's times like these when we remember that you proooobably haven't read all 240 posts on this site and that true commitment is being there when the times are tough and someone can't necessarily be there for you. I have a bunch of great posts for ya'all this week, though, so get pumped.

Indiana Jones 4: Don't worry, I'm not going to give away anything for those of you that reallllly wanna see Indiana Jones, but juuuust didn't seem to get your shit together to see it in the last two weeks. Here's my brief review and then I'll get into the more pressing issue. I thought Indiana Jones was good and enjoyable, given that I had watched the old ones recently and reminded myself that they were ALWAYS a bit on the cheesy side. I mean, c'mon, the nazis got trounced by the Ark of the Covenant. Indiana Jones had his Dad's Grail Journal autographed by Hitler, and Indians were depicted as demon-worshipping, child enslaving magicians who eat monkey brains and baby snakes. Bad Dates. So remembering that, I went into number 4 with a pretty open-minded point of view, and aside from a few moments when I had to cringe, I enjoyed the usual ride, the historical references, and Shia Lebouf's hair. Hey, Shia, Ben Savage called-- he wants his face back. Ultimately, my only real problem with it is that at the end of the two hours, it doesn't seem like anything that occurred actually had to happen. The world is no better or worse after the adventure. So it's worth seeing and I think in ten years, I will probably be able to watch it with more enjoyment and won't immediately count it out with Terminator 3, Aliens: Resurrection, all the new Star Wars, and both Matrix sequels.

Having said that, here is the problem with the movie: George goddamn Lucas and Steven fucking Spielberg. While they are or at least have been great at what they do, I feel like something has shifted in their brains, and the general viewing public has to suffer because of it. Spielberg has some sort of obsession with the supernatural and outter space, and Lucas appears to be totally obsessed with obnoxious characters. The problem is that I think Spielberg backs him up. I imagine a conversation went something like this:

Lucas: So we open the film with a bunch of soldiers driving fast on a dessert highway.
Spielberg: It sounds delicious.
Lucas: Oh, sorry, a DESERT highway.
Spielberg: Oh.
Lucas: Right. Then, an old car comes speeding along with a bunch of 50's teens looking to race.
Spielberg: Oo-- that'll give the audience a sense of time and place.
Lucas: Exactly! And then, out of nowhere, a CGI prairie dog will pop up!
Spielberg: That'll be cute as shit!
Lucas: Oh, it'll be fucking cute as hell!
Spielberg: And then it'll exhibit vaguely human emotions?
Lucas: Exactly.
Spielberg: The crowd will love that!
Lucas: You bet your ass they will.
Spielberg: Well, what then?
Lucas: Well, I'm I dunno, but LATER, I was thinking about monkeys!
Spielberg: Real monkeys?
Lucas: No, no, CGI monkeys!
Spielberg: Much better.
Lucas: And Indy will be in a big chase, and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, monkeys will pop up!
Spielberg: Holy shit, that'll be cute!
Lucas: Oh, it'll be fucking cute alright!
Spielberg: And then it will exhibit vaguely human emotions?
Lucas: You got it.
Spielberg: The crowd will LOVE that!
Lucas: You bet they will.
Spielberg: What about ants?
Lucas: Excuse me?
Spielberg: I'm thinkin' we need ants. Like...lots of em.
Lucas: Where are we gonna--
Spielberg: --CGI ants.
Lucas: Oh, right. But what are they gonna--
Spielberg: --I'm thinking they just kinda pop up.
Lucas: Out of nowhere...
Spielberg: And exhibit--
Lucas: --vaguely human emotions?
Spielberg: That sounds cute as hell.
Lucas: Does it?
Spielberg: George. Do you want me as your director or don't you?
Lucas: Of course I do! I'm sorry I ever doubted you. The people love anthropomorphism.
Spielberg: You're damn right they do.
Lucas: Alright, well, let's get those shots done and then we'll work on a script. How old is Harrison nowadays, anyway?

The additional benefit of going to the show was getting to hear this quote, which I'll tell you as a sneak preview of tomorrow's, "Quotes and Thoughts" post. I overheard this while exiting the theater, in the midst of a completely baffled crowd unable to decide if they were happy or not:

Girl: I thought it was really good!
Guy: Yeah, me too.
Girl: Drinking wine during movies is AMAAAZING!
Guy: I can't believe we haven't done it before.
Girl: I know.
Guy: I wonder if it that's why we liked the movie...

So maybe that's the trick.

Broad-Shouldered Shady,

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