Witz Pickz: Quotes and Thoughts

Here are some quotes I heard and thoughts I've had over the last couple of weeks:

QUOTE -- Overheard Phrases Of A Mad White Woman:
I went to the A's/Red Sox game two weeks ago, and while it was probably THE worst game I've ever been to, the blowout and horrible weather allowed me to focus on other things, like the insane duo next to me. The guy was a SF greasy hipster who was talking to everyone and cracking jokes about the game so often and loudly that I'm pretty positive he was on meth or coke. He sounded completely confused and bored by the woman talking next to him, but he kept reaffirming what she was saying. What she was saying was that she has a ton of intense stories from the 70's that she wants to turn into a movie. Friends of hers OD-ing, her brother killing someone and going to jail, big parties and lots of drugs. The kicker quote was, "Yeah, the only thing I've seen that's at all like what I'm talking about is Tyler Perry's 'Diary of a Mad Black Woman'-- and that didn't even have no white people in it!" It took a lot not to burst out laughing. Especially when the guy came back with, "Fuck it, let's shoot it!" I realize I haven't SEEN Diary of a Mad Black Woman, but it is a Tyler Perry movie right? The last Tyler Perry written thing I heard was on a commercial during the NBA Playoffs-- let's just say the punchline was, "I said black! Not BROWN!" Man, that joke kills everytime. I just hope they do film this woman's script so I can watch it.

THOUGHT -- Quiznos:
I am shocked that Quiznos doesn't sell Grilled Cheese. They have bread, numerous cheeses, and their whole schtick is a GIANT TOASTER in the middle of their assembly line (which makes it awkward for the "thank you's." I know that as soon as Guy 1 who cuts my bread and puts SOME stuff on it puts that sucker on the conveyor belt, I'm not gonna be seeing him again. So I say thank you, like, "Thanks for making HALF my sandwhich," and move on down the line to Guy 2 who concerns me because he wasn't there during the initial ordering process. My sandwhich is flying in blind and now this new guy has to slap some lettuce on there and call it a day? What happened to Guy 1? I had a relationship with Guy 1. So then Guy 2 chucks a little shredded lettuce and maybe something else on it and wraps it up. He might not even be the guy who rings it all up for me. So then I have to thank him? He gets the final thank you? He barely did anything? That's like when fifty people write a script and then someone steps in at the last minute to add one thing and suddenly gets their name on it. My sandwhich is not a Guy 2 Production). With a toaster in the middle of your assembly line, all it takes to make grilled cheese is two slices of sourdough, a quick butter dusting and boom, "grilled" cheese sandwhich. They could sell them for NOTHING and still make a huge profit. No good chains sell grilled cheese at a reasonable price-- Sonic is the closest, but that's still pretty expensive and NOT crispy at all. They make Microwaved Cheese Sandwhiches...but they're still delicious.

QUOTE -- Homeless A's Fan:
After the brutalizing of the Red Sox at the game, we left early and headed back to the train. Already downtrodden, I was unenthused when a very homeless looking man shuffled up towards us and declared in a voice not entirely unlike former Cubs announcer Harry Caray, "Hey A's fans!" I ignored him and walked on past. That's when I heard his sales pitch: "Read my poem I wrote about the A's!" My ears perked up and I stopped dead in my tracks, exclaiming, "Wait!" and turning back around. My Uncle Joe Heavy always told me three things: take care of your teeth, "It was Christmas Eve and everybody was feeling Merry-- so she left!", and ALWAYS read homeless sports poetry. I rushed back towards the man, with a fiver in hand, ready to make him a more professional writer than I can claim to be, when I saw an actual A's fan take the poem. It was gone. I will never know what that poem said, but I really really hope he rhymed "breakfast at Denny's" with "reliever Alan Embree." And what if the poem actually had ridiculous baseball insight?? "I hear the crowd cheer, while I ask folks for manageable food/Jack Cust may be slumping, but he has intangibles like attitude." He could be a GM.

QUOTE -- Spelling Bee Humor:
Let me just say that I was excited to watch the Celtics/Pistons Game 6 on Friday night. I was ECSTATIC to watch the 2008 National Spelling Bee Championships. Unplanned, but always awesome, The Color Thiel aka The Original J.T., and The Color Thiel Part II aka ENT, and I flipped from the game when it was over, and after landing on Man vs. Wild and remembering how sweet Bear Grylls is, we discovered the Spelling Bee. As usual, the characters were amazing, the children potentially scarred for life, and the parents way too peppy. We quickly declared our favorites and our most hated (hating middle schoolers reminded me how awful middle school was). Things were going well until our four faves were suddenly sent out one by one. Finally, only one fave was left-- Sameer. I'll let the video do the rest if you haven't already seen it, but let me just say that the pronouncer guy was at fault, it's awesome the crowd laughed, and I love that the announcers repeat it. Spelling Bees really are hilarious.




Posted, P-O-S-T-E-D, Posted,
Witz