Witz DOESN'T Pick: Reverse Toilet, Jeans, False Assumption #42

Here's what happened to me in my dreams last night, one directly after the other: I was beaten by 3 guys for my money and left for dead, I was in an Earthquake at the top of a tall building and had to run down a disability access ramp all the way down while the building collapsed, I was attacked by a bear while walking in my backyard in Connecticut, and then I was at a party in India-- where a monsoon struck and my nose bled uncontrollably for no apparent reason.


So I apologize if I'm not at my funniest this morning.


Reverse Toilet:
Not just a great name for your next metal band, at an event I worked last night, the toilets actually flooded causing the restaurant to close down. As Hello Leslie described it, the toilets actually starting pluming water back up exactly like, "Old Yeller." After a little confusion, she amended the description to, "Old Faithful," which really makes a lot more sense in the long run. Especially because I don't remember Old Yeller ever leading to a vile river of human excrement. Oo, there's another band name: And You Will Know Us By The Vile River of Human Excrement."


Jeans:
Someone needs to tell the Jeans companies to get their shit together and have a little consistency. I went to buy a pair the other day and it was absolutely impossible. The shear number of styles negates any pre-conceived knowledge of sizes, and then, even WITHIN a style and size, there is a difference is color and texture that is shocking. Why aren't any two pairs of jeans the same color within a style? I was under the impression that denim was a fabric created by us, not found in the wild. Is there some Denim Beast running around that Levi's shoots for the clothing? Are the hides stretched and tanned in the sun? Because otherwise, I wouldn't mind being able to pick up two pairs of jeans in the same style and have them look remotely similar.

But let's get back to the styles. Straight Cut, Relaxed Fit, Slim Fitting, Low-Waist, Boot Cut, holy crap. I have no idea. All I know is that my size in Regular jeans looks like I'm wearing a freakin denim rectangle in Straight Cut (straight from the hips to the foot). When I wear those kind of jeans, it looks like I'm an old west cowboy on Casual Friday. That same size in the slim fitting and I feel like I'm going deep sea diving in a wet suit. And who's deciding what goes on my back pockets?? Because in the pundit square of Witz Appropriate Jeans, the combinations are few and far between. "Oh, these jeans fit me, but I'm not wild about the INEXPLICABLE DIAMOND STITCHING ON THE ASS!" Is someone really just sitting there going, "What should I stitch across these pockets? Oh, I know-- an oversized equals sign." I've tried to buy jeans three times in the last few months and have yet to buy a pair.

False Assumption #42:
I don't like the fact that if I use a restroom that is not the one near where my cubicle is situated, and someone sees me and recognizes that fact, they assume something awful. It's probably as prevalent as racism, but this effects me much more. If I'm walking back from somewhere and decide to pee or just wash my hands in the fine privacy of a one person bathroom, that's my prerogative. It doesn't mean the world is ending.

It's the Freakin' Weekend,
Witz