Witz DOESN'T Pick: License Plate Insanity

For as long as I can remember, I've been able to memorize license plate numbers by sounds or phrases. For example, I STILL remember that when we went to Disneyland in fifth grade, the license plate on our RENTAL car was PUF-6OU. I remember because I thought of it as Puf-six-oo, and if I'm not insane, I also set that phrase to the tune of "Matilda! She take me money and run Venezuela!" which was one of the songs we were singing in music class at the time (Puf-6-oo: She take me money and run Venezuela!). So I remember license plates. Sometimes they rhyme (one of my friends had a car 8_1-GUN which was awesome in the rhyming and the GUN factor-- I left the _ blank because somehow I feel I shouldn't be giving out license plate numbers). For whatever reason, I remember license plates a lot more than I imagine most people do.

Another thing I've done forever is turn license plate letters or numbers into phrases or words. I don't know if this is because of some literary OCD or because I was an English major or because one time my Dad said, "Don't forget that license plate!" about some guy who was speeding or cut us off or was driving sketchily and now I remember all plates momentarily just in case. I don't know why I do it, but I do it, and I bet a bunch of other people do, too. For example-- if a license plate said 6HT4ML, I'd probably immediately think "Hate Mail". Or if it said "2SPCL9" I'd think "Special." It's like that thing where they figured out that if the first and last letters in words were correct, people can read whole paragraphs with mispelled words. I fill in the blanks. I can't help but do it and I'm pretty ok with it.

That is, until recently, when MY OWN license plate numbers have been devolving into stupid word soup that lingually bothers the hell outta me. You see, FIRST I had my car on the east coast. The license plate was 7_4-JYT (_ omitted because I probably have an outstanding warrant on that license plate in NY State). It was easy to remember 7_4 "Jit". It had a good rhythm to it in my crazy, word addled mind. I was used to it. THEN, I moved to Seattle and got a new license plate (after months of deliberation). This time, I knew I wasn't happy: _48VQT. For obvious reasons related to my OCD License Plate Words Thing, I hate Q's, X's, and Z's. Very few words work with them (although I'd be ok with WTZPKZ-- oo, maybe I should get that.) in forming real words, and I'm forced to make everything straight edge or "no longer", i.e. 25XLW4 -- that's either 25 straight edge lawyers or 25 Former Law 4 (

There's a Law 4 on your head).

I did, however, slowly get used to _48 VQT. I got used to it to the point where I could remember it, and then realized that thanks to the lettering of WA in the same was as other east coast states, the 3 number, 3 letter setup was intact. This made it easier to ignore 048 and remember VQT as either "Very Quiet" or "Very Q-uTe." I figure, since my car is a beast in it's old age and since 3 mechanics have failed to fix the rattle I paid for them to fix, that nobody behind me is gonna think "Oh, that car is _48 Very Quiet." No, I'm pretty sure they're thinkin', "_48 Very (Q)Cute." So I got used to the plate and came to appreciate it. UNTIL YESTERDAY!

Yesterday, California took my neurosis and shot it to pieces. I registered my car here, and this is what they gave me: 5ZUP6_ _ (the last two digits are not important and I'm giving out my license plate on the web). WHICH IS TERRIBLE! Let's say it's 5ZUP642 for discussion's sake. Well, first of all, THAT'S 7 DIGITS! WHAT THE EFF CALIFORNIA?? That throws off all my shit. Then, it's 3 letters buried in 4 digits AND IT HAS A Z IN IT. Horrendous turn of events. And then I looked at it further. It sounds like I'm some dude who's trying to be cooler than he is, going around making up expressions to try and get people to like him.

"Yo, Fivez Up!"
"What?
"Fivez Up, dude, c'mon!"
"What the hell does that mean?"
"Gimme a high five man, you know, Fives Up!"
"That's ridiculous-- you're not that cool and even if you were 'Fives Up' is not going to win me over."
"Did you pronounce that with an S or a Z?"
"What?"
"The 'Fivez.' Was that with an S or a Z in your mind? 'Cause it kinda felt like an S..."
"It was an S...."
"Yeah, cuz really, it's more of a Z. FiveZ up...."
"Is this like when you tried to get people to start saying, "What's the tick-tock?"
"Kind of...."
"Or when you tried to start saying 'This night is gonna be BUCK" for a crazy night?'"
"Hey, I'm still trying to get that one started-- that one's cool."
"What does it even mean?"
"You know, buck wild. Goin' buck."
"I see, that's kind of good."
"Yeah."
"Remember when 'clutch' became popular?"
"That was odd."
"And you didn't invent hand-hockey -- the basement sport was invented by millions at the same time every generation-- It was an act of the Collective Unconscious."
"Fine."
"You agree?"
"Yeah, sure, whatever."
"Cool."
"Yeah, fives up, dude! ((hand in air))"
"You're an idiot."
"Fucking DMV."

SEE! See what's gonna happen!? Fivez up is not cool! But I'm gonna have to use it or my license plate is worthless. Or I'm gonna have to use "Zup" a lot like "hey man, zup?" and that's stupid. Or start an Italian/Greek restaurant named Zup that sells soup. This is my world. And my license plates are getting worse with time, and I'm probably gonna have to get another not too long from now, but until then, I have to deal with this-- this 7 digited demon of a plate. Just remember, you're probably just as crazy as me, but in other ways. Do you care what color your bath mat is? Do you feel the need for extra strong toilet paper? Do you sleep without a pillow? Or with only a comforter? Do you momentarily consider online and magazine offers before rejecting them? Ever shopped for a Siamese Cat (attached) because you wanted two kittens, but could only afford to feed and immunitize one, so you want a cat that is attached to another cat and they share one stomach and immune system? See-- you're crazy too.

Fivez Up, Bitches!,
Witz