Tuesday, September 25, 2007


At the risk of getting a google ad for Gay Fat Men With Large Breasts, I'm going to go ahead and pick Pillows. I feel like pillows don't get the credit they deserve, but instead are treated as a luxury we've almost always had. From the time I was born, but not until I was old enough to not suffocate myself on one, I've had a pillow to sleep on. Sometimes one, sometimes two, sometimes an obscure combination of foldovers and additions until my neck and body all fit perfectly into sweet, comfortable slumber.

I've tried sleeping without pillows, and ya know what? It sucks! If you like it, it probably means you're some kind of self-loathing fool. And don't try and pull that "Pillows are actually bad for your posture/spine/Hardcore Level. That rumor has been spreading for years and is totally off-base. I'm guessing it was first brought up by the mattress companies who wanted to be able to talk about how form fitting their mattresses are. "You don't even need those hellish, spine trouncing pillows-- our mattresses meld to your head's curvature to give you the perfect night's rest-- even if you feel like you're lying in a Man Mold and overnight when you're asleep they'll bring down another mattress on top of you to gain a perfect cast to use as a cloning profile......Fuck Pillows." Perhaps the mattress companies started this rumor, but it was obviously the Swedish who kept it alive. Posturepedic, anyone? How about those crazy effing tubular "head rests" that support your neck but potentially cut off blood circulation to your brain? Yeah, those are a treat. I rarely if ever implicate the Swedes in anything (though I'm onto you The Boustedts...and Ingmar Bergman, I can't fathom what you were up to, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't soft and cushy), but this time, it must be done. Swedes Hate Pillows, there I said it. Put it on a t-shirt. Sell it for 15 dollars. Give me 5 of those dollars for every t-shirt you sell and we'll have a good thing going. What I'm trying (successfully, I think) to say, is that the Anti-Pillow Myth needs to be busted and-- oh wait, what's that? Millions of millions of people sleep with pillows regularly and think it's QUOTE "FREAKING AWESOME!!" END QUOTE? Oh, that's right-- I almost forgot. WINK.


Another reason pillows are so undervalued is that they are UNDERVALUED. You can buy a pillow for like 3 dollars nowadays. You can buy a real pillow that doesn't spread all the fluff out to the sides so your head lies on the mattress with a thin sheet formerly part of a stable looking pillow for like FIVE DOLLARS. Pillows are so cheap that we forget how important they are. Unlike extension cords and power strips, I've bought a LOT of pillows, and I'm always like, "Yeah, whatever, I don't know if we need another pillow, but let's get it, it's like 10 bucks for eight of them." And I get home and don't need the pillow and put it in the closet until guests visit. I don't mind spending the money and it's because they are both undervalued and totally worth having plenty of. The next time a guest comes over and is like, "Oh, cool, the couch" I'm like, "NOPE! The couch-- WITH PILLOWS" and then we stay up an extra 20 minutes fiesta dancing because of the pillow, but also because we've probably had a bit to drink and in the wee hours of the morning when I'm a little drunk is most likely when I'm up for a good fiesta dance.

So go be thankful for your pillows. They are tremendous emotional and physical supports, and unless you're a baby (or a baby who wants to add an element of danger to the crib), they are the one of the greatest luxuries in the world.

I Totally Am Gonna Get Gay Fat Guys With Breasts Ads From Google Now Even Though I Wouldn't Have Before Aren' I? Oh God, Now I'm Definitely Going To Because of This.,


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