Witz Pickz: Compassionivore

An omnivore by species, I have always thoroughly enjoyed meat. Recently, I've occasionally replaced normal products for vegetarian or vegan products just because I wanted to, not because I stopped eating meat or animal products. I've been having some veggie sandwhiches instead of turkey, veggie burgers instead of hamburgers, soy milk instead of regular milk. It doesn't mean anything, it's just a fact. Recently, while out to dinner with a friend (with his business paying), I tried a new kind of meat: veal. IT WAS DELICIOUS! Granted, it was stuffed with mozzarella and ricotta cheese and topped with an amazing broth, but the meat was tendera and flavored and delicious. I felt, however, a little odd, and I felt a little odd because I like the fact that I eat about three and a half animals (chicken, turkey, cow, and very occasionally pork), and was not happy about adding DEER to the list. I'm not one of those people who is excited to try new meats like buffalo or rabbit or duck or armadillo, or goat. I like the big three and a half. So imagine my great joy and sense of freedom when I found out that VEAL is not VENISON as I'd been thinking in my head, but actually BABY COW!

"Oh, thank goodness! I thought I was eating deer, but this ended up just being baby cow!"
"Yeah, but it's a BABY COW!"
"So?"
"So it's like eating a baby."
"Not a real baby-- a cow baby."
"Still a baby."
"Nuh-uh. A real baby watches The Doodlebops and sleeps spread eagle in her parent's lap."
"Oh, you think you're all hot to trot on baby knowledge just because your friends had their baby, Tova."
"Maybe."
"So what is this really, like a shout out to Tova?"
"Kind of, I guess...whaddup Tova?"
"And how could they name their baby Tova in a post-Jay Z world anyway??"
"They didn't know about Hova."
"They didn't KNOW about H to the Izzo?"
"I guess not-- the lyrics were beyond them. The word puzzle was too much."
"Or maybe they just spend more time working and less time listening to pop radio and shopping than you do."
"Who are you anyway? Who is this other person/voice? In the words of truth.com, whadafxup?"
"Fine. Be that way-- ((ahem)) a baby cow would too watch the Doodlebops if given the chance."
"That's more like it-- ((ahem)) No it wouldn't. That's not their way. They would only be bored and have the days drag on and on until we finally--"

AHA! And there it is. Baby cows only do one thing-- grow up to be regular cows. And REGULAR cows are packed side by side into stalls and warehouses waiting to be slaughtered. And then they DO get slaughtered. SO WHAT KIND OF A LIFE IS THAT?? AND HOW LONG do they actually grow up for anyway? I realized that by eating baby cows, I am doing the cow a favor. I am saving them a life of horrors even though they don't know it yet. I am being compassionate. Which is why I have figured out a NEW form of consumer-- a Compassionivore. A compassionivore eats only baby animals and other vegetarian products. The problem is, I can't think of other baby animals that we eat. Do we eat baby chickens? Baby pigs? Baby Ahi Ahi Tuna? Not that I know of. Which makes it weird that we eat baby cows (but less weird since I know how delicious they are). So maybe compassionivores need to step up and start eating more young. Break into the chicken farmery and eat all the baby chickens. Break into the turkey hut and eat some young lithe turkeys. Eat a fawn, shit, I dunno. I guess technically this means baby seal meat is back on the table, but maybe it'd make more sense to club and eat the baby seal HUNTERS since their lives are probably wracked with misery and guilt (and probably some emotional disconnect from the world or at least baby seals...which is just as bad). Compassionivore's rise up and momentarily be a fad, the time is now.

Wi to the tizzle, Z to the comma
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