Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Witz Pickz: The Glockenspiel, Queso & More

That's right kids and gentledults, I'm pickin' The Glockenspiel-- and ya know what? Eff it-- I'm not just picking The Glockenspiel, I'm picking: The MIGHTY Glockenspiel. Why mighty? You ask? Well, because if it wasn't mighty, then I'd be picking The Xylophone, wouldn't I? Or more accurately: The Mean-Spirited Xylophone! Due to its size and intonation, The Mean Spirited Xylophone has ruled elementary school music rooms and spelling bees for decades-- maybe even centuries. I mean, when you were little, in music class, after not getting the drum, did you reach for The Xylophone or the Glockenspiel? Xylophone, of course. And what did X stand for in third grade when explaining the sounds "X" could make? XYLOPHONE! What were the other options? X-hibit was still years from being famous, and Zeitgeist is ACTUALLY spelled with a Z. Xeroxing was prevalent, but certainly not by small children, as opposed to the XYLOPHONE. I'm thinking that classroom teachers and music teachers had a secret plot to push the xylophone upon children and the xylophone went right along with it. BUT-- we're not here to talk about the Xylophone. We're here for the Glockenspiel.

The Glockenspiel has battled furiously, if not subtlely, over the years, and has emerged as the Numba One bar-and stick-with-rubber-ball-on-it instrument in popular culture. The Shout Out Louds use a glockenspiel to dominate their audiences, and Mozart utilized the Glockenspiel far more often than the xylophone in his symphonies (call me on that, I fucking DARE YOU). And I know you all are like, "Not to mention that Buddy Holly song, right?" which is exactly what I was thinking when I started this post, but NO, it was in fact, not a glockenspiel OR a xylophone, but a celeste, which is like a glockenspiel piano. Wikipedia, however, does say that the celeste is most similar to a glockenspiel and makes no mention of that outrageous, mean-spirited xylophone. Given The Mighty Glockenspiel's size (or lack thereof), it has had many uphill battles to win, and has done so (I mean, I assume). When referencing the noise these instruments make, I have not once said "xylophone" and nobody I know has either. It is always "glockenspiel." Plus, you can refer to it as a glock, which is badass. Saying, "yo, I'm on the Xylo" sounds like a white guy trying to act like a black person unsuccessfully, while "Yo, I'm on the Glock" sounds like a white guy trying to act like a black person fairly successfully. These are the subtle differences of life. Well done, you small, instrumentally specific device.

Chips n' Queso: Not chips and cheese, people, Chips and (preferably n' though & is also acceptable) Queso. Not nearly prevalent enough in our society, Chips n' Queso are the leading appetizer snack in places like Austin, Texas, and....Mexico. Fritos can't make a comparable dip. Tostitos can't either. It takes the perfect blend of spicy peppers or salsa/chili and melted cheese to create the perfect queso dip. If I only knew a good recipe and/or Chili's chef.

Ziplock bags: Nobody gives ziplock bags enough credit. They're like pillows in that respect, and even more like pillows in other respects if you stuff them with refried beans or marshmallows. These suckers know that I can't finish everything all the time. Cheese, pizza bagels, meats, c'mon, you know what these puppies are for (NOT FOR PUPPIES). I bought like, one bag of ziplock bags a few months ago, and they feel like they are endless. They come in all sizes now and can even fit a loaf of bread. SNAP!

Little Caesars Crazy Bread and Pizza: After years and years of seeing commercials for, but no actual locations of Little Caesars, I now live in a place where I have found a restaurant-- if you can call it that. Little Caesars is a lot like Fight Club. First, as mentioned, they potentially don't exist. Little Caesars does not deliver. If you go to Little Caesars and order a pizza, you will pay 5 dollars. Pepperoni-- 5 dollars. Cheese-- 5 dollars. If there is a mishap with your pizza, Little Caesars will deny all existence and sale of said food item. They also serve Crazy Bread. My Friend With A Pool purchased his first Little Caesars pizza (also, are they possessive or plural? I'm thinkin' plural, but it's hard to recall the commercials), and was baffled when he handed them 5 dollars and was immediately handed a pepperoni pizza. It was like buying crack, apparently, and he felt both baffled and dirty from the exchange. THIS IS WHAT THE CRAZY BREAD IS FOR. The Crazy Bread is packed with numbing drugs to make you feel less shocked by the value. It is also delicious. But, thinking about it, not at all crazy. Or so I thought-- then I realized that Crazy Bread was first invented twenty or so years ago, before Cheese Stix, Papa John's Bread Sticks, or the P'Zone. Cheesey, salty, garlicky breadsticks probably did seem pretty damn NUTS. You can't refer to a product as a Nuts-Stick (ask the good people who make Payday Bars, they know), so they went with Crazy BREAD-- and for BREAD it is still fairly insane. People in the 80's must have been losing their minds, eating Crazy Bread all over the place with no idea what was happening. They probably assumed that Taste Fairies were involved, sprinkling fairy dust aka Secret Seasoning onto their food. No other method would have made sense to them back them. Also, there's a good chance whoever started Little C's was doing A LOT OF DRUGS-- like, Coke, Meth, Crack, Weed, you name it. There general gameplan was that they sell everything at one price, advertise everywhere, exist almost nowhere, not deliver, and sell breadsticks with light flavoring they thought were CRAZY. Then they charged 2 bucks for marinara sauce. Freakin' nuts.

Little Caesars Glockenspiel Jamboree N' Queso (Are Ahead of Their Time),

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