Witz Pickz: Airport Water and Ridiculous Email

I didn't post yesterday because I was on another day long fiasco with the good people in aviation. Southwest Airlines did their usual thing, which is to say, they gave me the low low prices I desire, flew me bafflingly from CT to CHICAGO to Los Angeles on time, and then promptly fucked up all my plans by delaying the 50 minute hop to San Jose. Why? Because there was a storm in Dallas that held up a plane now coming from Albequerque. Maybe that's why you shouldn't have a plane expected at a certain time on one coast, when it's flying to five or six other locations beforehand. Buy a few more planes. Then you can raise the price of drinks from the confusing $4 to the reasonable $5. I mean, in the airport, they charge about $3-6 for bottled water, so I think $5 for a white wine on an airplane is reasonable (esp. since mostly alcoholics must be buying).

Speaking of water, I capped off my trip by finally arriving at San Jose and taking the shuttle to the Long Term Parking lot, which from my estimate and landmarks I passed is located roughly back in Los Angeles. I hopped off the shuttle at the first stop (someone else had dropped off my car so I didn't know the exact location) and took a look at the sign. "10." I then found out, as the shuttle pulled away, that the car was located at section "110." Awesome. So, laughing with obvious horror, I grabbed my two carry on bags and started running. All the joy of not sweating grossly on the plane was washed away with, well, sweat, as I ran the length of a few football fields to my car.

But Witz, that doesn't have anything to do with water. Fair enough reader, you are honest and wise beyond your years. That part comes now. When I finally made my escape to freedom, not entirely unlike the Underground Railroad, but with far more Eve 6 playing on my radio than I imagine Harriet Tubman was bumpin', I had a conversation with a friend I'll call Titan AE. She claimed that airport water is overexpensive and not even name brand. She then somewhat surprisingly claimed that the market for airport water is not yet saturated (oh, puns). I was a bit taken aback by the claims, and while I agree that airport water is expensive (although my NAME BRAND Aquafina was 1.99 for a liter), and that the rules are annoying, I'm just not sure that there's room in the market for another brand.

So I need you all to tell me (via the poll on the right) whether or not this business sounds like a good idea. Here's how it would be: obviously, we'd slip in a price-war style campaign, where the new water would cost roughly 10-25 cents cheaper than the other water (which changes things, because instead of saying, "Oh, just keep the penny," you'd say, "Oh, just keep the 11-24 cents.") Then, we'd clearly give it a cool name, like Fly2-0 or Aquaviation, or Travel Water. I like the first two for their names, but I like the third for the marketing. I mean, when someone is looking at waters AND travelling, it'd be ridiculous of them to pass up the water that appears to be specifically designed for their situation. ESPECIALLY if we also sell water called like, "Athletic Water" or "Six Flags Water." That way, they'll THINK that there's a difference and we'll only need one or two of the decoys in each store.

We'll also need a slogan that demands people buy water from us-- something aggressive and condescending like, "Don't Be Retarded, Buy Travel Water," or, "Ugly People Drink Other Water. Aquaviation: No Uglies." Throw in a "down home" feel to it and I think people would be sold. We can do regional advertising to make people feel like they're connected to the product. "New England Travel Water: So Puritanical It'll Make You Want to Burn People At the Stake." Maybe, "South Carolina: Water So Holy It Burns the Jews (and Lesser Christians) When They Touch It." Maybe even, "Alabama & Mississippi: Water By White Folks For White Folks." With the power of flight (and vending licenses), I'm not sure there's an end to how big this could get. But the initial question remains: Is there room in the Airport Water Market? LET ME KNOW!


Ridiculous Email:
I got an email from Gamefly today. I'm a little surprised I even have a Gamefly membership (like Netflix for video games), since I don't really use my PS3 much more than to play MLB 08: The Show occasionally and lead young Witz through the minors to the big leagues (fun note: you can have the announcers use a nickname, and they have one which says, 'Wiz' which I thought would be cool and sound kinda like "Witz." It does, and is, not). But My Friend Formerly With A Pool gave me a free month subscription which was followed by a great bit of marketing and salesmanship:


ME: Cancel membership.
THEM: Why?"
ME: Just trying it out.
THEM: Why not get another month for the price of $23.95/mo.
ME: Cancel membership.
THEM: Why not get another month for the price of $14.95/mo?
ME: Continue membership.


They knew that 14.95/mo was the exact price I'd be willing to pay-- very clever.


Anyway, today, I got this email from them with the subject, "News Flash: Our email address is changing-- Update your address books!" Really, Gamefly? Why would I do that? I can't imagine a time when I'm going to send an EMAIL to GAMEFLY. "Dear Gamefly, BBQ This Saturday! Follow the Evite link!" or maybe, "Hey Gamefly-- just wanted to check in and say what's up. ttyl..." or maybe, "Gamefly-- I'm bored at work, what are you up to?" to which I'd probably get, "Hey Witz, I'm a successfully expanding corporation! I embody both employer and employee and am working to get your games to you faster-- because while I don't sleep and am constantly looking to be more productive and effective, you apparently have some down time to sit on the couch and play Lego Indiana Jones. Love, Gamefly."

I'd Fly Virgin America, But I Want An Airline With A Little More Experience...,

Witz

Some Quotes From J-Kow and K-Rey's Wedding:

To Bartender at Reception Open Bar Closing Time: "Alright, I think to close out the night I'll haaave......Four beers please..."

Priest At Tail End of Ceremoney: "You are now man and wife in the eyes of god-- oh, and while I have your attention, if you parked in the back parking lot of the church, please move your car across the way to the Old Sea Pines Inn, as we have another wedding at 3 and a reception at 5..."

"Check this out, it's called a Grateful Dead. It's grapefruit juice, vodka, and blue caracao..."
"What does this drink taste like?"
"Urinal pucks. It tastes exactly like urinal pucks smell."
"Wow. You placed that astoundingly quickly. Well done, sir. I'm a little creeped out."

To Person I Haven't Seen In 3 Years And Am Not Great Friends With: "Yeah, it's been a long time-- I mean, I haven't even seen Jason since graduation (cringe)...(read: And I'm WAY better friends with him!)"