Witz Pickz: Worst Blockbuster Clerk EVER!

I've been around long enough to learn the accepted norms of clerk/customer interaction. I've bought my food, rented my movies, ordered my BK and Burgermaster, accepted my airline peanuts, checked my savings balance, paid the pizza delivery guy, and awkwardly stood by while some guy pumped gas into my car (you are a confusing beast, Oregon gas pumping laws). And all of the interactions, while different, generally followed the same procedure-- me being treated like a customer, and the clerk acting like a clerk-- even if they weren't happy about it.

So you can imagine all the cultural and social learning I had to get past to figure out what the hell was going on at Blockbuster the other night. I was waiting in line like normal to rent my last The Lost Room dvd (to be picked soon), while the clerk helped a woman get a new blockbuster account. The line grew and grew while we waited, and another clerk came over to help. The first one took a look at the line and then said, "Nah, don't worry about it, I've got it," and turned his attention back to the woman filling out the application.

This should have been my first clue.

Slightly confused, I figured the woman must almost be done. So we all waited. And waited.

"I don't have a credit card right now," the woman said.
"Oh, that's alright, just show it next time, I'll just look at your driver's license now." says clerk.

This should have been my second clue. This man was not going by the book-- he was wingin' it. Freelancing, perhaps? I became wary as I wondered if this man was also some kind of bounty hunter, and by seeing a driver's license, he could track down and demand payment from anyone in the state...or beyond...it'd be surprising given his slim, one might say, awkwardly The Machinist looking thin, frame, but I guess it was possible. Do bounty hunters work day jobs until they get good enough? I guess I never thought about it before, but are there nearly enough bounties out these days for the hunters to all collect? And how many are half-vampire? The whole thing confuses me.

The guy finally finished up with the lady, she headed out, and the next woman in line was ready to go when-- The pointer finger came out. No words, just one finger held up to indicate "Wait." The clerk hops on the phone and sounds like he's talking to someone important. It goes on for a bit, but when he finally hangs up, he says, "Alright, then I'll swing by around 12 and I'll bring the xbox 360." And then he glanced at us like he was the fucking champ. And he might have been, but it was not the time or the place. I started getting my annoyed on, as I am wont to do in such situations, when he said it:

"Yeah, come on," he tells the girl who's been waiting-- like she's ruining his night. Like he didn't just make a personal phone call and tell another clerk not to help us. "Yeah, come on." This is when it hits me. The clerk has absolutely NO RESPECT for us customers. We are not there to give his company money. We are there to keep him from his night of BioShock or Halo 2 (to prep for Halo 3), or Gears of War. He has kids in Lansing, Michigan lined up to get their asses handed to them via Madden '08, Monster Storm, and Splinter Cell. We are just lame, one-directional entertainment fools who need to see their movies, television dvd's, or completely inexplicably even to me, purchase their "The Number 23", "Red Line", and "Ghost Rider" DVD's three for 20 dollars. He's the man and he has no respect for people like us.

The girl goes up to rent the DVD's and this is when The Clerk takes things to the next level.

"I don't have a card, but I have my ID and my parents have an account." Right. We know this method. For years, with your ID and family account, it has been possible to rent movies. Only-

"Your family's account doesn't have your name on it, so you can't use it without their permission." Blank looks all around.

"Oh. Really? I thought....I usually use it...."
"Are they here in the store?"
"No, but-- Ok, well, I'll just come back another time."
"Are your parents home?" None of us are quite sure what's going on, but we're getting uncomfortable. The girl is probably 16-18 years old and mildly attractive.
"Uhh, yeah..." The clerk picks up the phone.
"What's the number?"
"What?"
"Are they awake?"
"I dunno..." It's ten o' clock on a thursday.
"Well, what's the number, I can call them and ask for permission."
"Uh, that's ok. Thanks.
"It's not a problem, I mean, I can call them and just ask if it's ok..."

WHOAH BUDDY! DON'T BE A HERO! First of all, WHO DOES THAT?? The line is growing longer by the minute, he's already complicated the process for her, but now he wants to CALL UP HER PARENTS AND ASK IF IT'S OK?? They weren't even R rated movies, it was like Blades of Glory and Bridge To Tarabithia or something. BUT CALL HER PARENTS? It's ten o' clock on a thursday. I wouldn't even call some of my closest friends' houses at ten o' clock on a thursday, let alone some stranger to ask if their daughter, who clearly should be in bed so she can go to school the next day, can rent some movies. Plus, he came off a little flirtatious, which was odd under all the circumstances, but especially because of his former hating of us all. Which brings me to this:

Know your creepy level. Everybody has one. Maybe it's reallllly high and obvious or maybe it's reallllly low and subtle. But you have one. This guy was probably an 8.4 (out of 10). Most people probably fall around 3 or 4 (which means the scale maybe doesn't need to go to 10, and should be adjusted so the median number is the median creepy). Some people are sneaky creepy-- like you think they look all clean cut and nice and do good things, but then they are, like, the only one in the theater who laughs at the snuff film scene in "8mm" (and this is not only because they were the only ones in the theater to see 8mm, they probably got more obvious creepy points for that). This guy was not sneaky creepy-- he was regular creepy. The hair, the eyes, the brows, the body, the voice. Needless the say, the girl left pretty quickly.

"Whatever," he says, and The Clerk is back on his game. Now it's my turn.

"Hi," I say, setting down my The Lost Room Disc 2 DVD.
"Have you seen the first part of this?" he asks, without any context.
"I think so, I mean, I watched the first two parts on television, so I don't exactly know where disc 1 cuts off, but I think so..." I look up and realize that he's been staring blankly at me for about 90% of my sentence.
"Most people just don't know there's a first disc. So, we make sure they do know, which you seem to know, even if you haven't gotten it." Maybe there are cameras watching, recording him and listening to see if he breaks policy, but it was still really awkward to hear. I think about pointing out that in the future he might want to ask if I know that it is a two DVD set and I have the SECOND disc, instead of have I seen it which sounds like an insider fan's question, but I don't see the point. I mean, what can you say to that, really, so I just smile and nod a little. The rest of the transaction takes place in silence until,

"This will be due back next thursday-- bye."
"Thanks." and then,

"Yeah, alright, come on," to the next customer-- completely serious, full of condescension, waiting for midnight, when his job turns into a Giant Pumpkin and he can play Guitar Hero II into the wee hours of the night.

Only Now Realizing I Will Probably See Him Again,
Witz