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| (Left to right: Tito, Ken, Mike, Richie, Tarzan) |
Magic Mike XXL is the story of an ex-stripper (Channing Tatum) coming out of retirement for one. Last. Ride. Usually I write these posts about bad movies, but Magic Mike XXL is an exception. It’s so good, in fact, that it is getting me, a guy who has taken his clothes off at an amateur level, to come out of retirement for one. Last. Post. So, come along on a journey with the Kings of Tampa, down to the fabled
stripper championships in Myrtle Beach. You won’t be sorry.
0:30 – Full disclosure: I saw the first Magic Mike and HATED it. I also
don’t remember anything about it other than the acting was atrocious, the end
was dumb, and I couldn’t believe Steven Soderbergh made it. So, don’t worry if
you haven’t seen it—it’s irrelevant to the beauty of this sequel.
1:00 – Mike Lane (Tatum) is out of the game. He runs his own furniture
business, and we see him moving furniture and collecting scrap for materials.
The copper piping he hauls in his truck is the closest he’s been to a pole in
three years.
2:00 – Any voicemail that begins, “It’s Tarzan,” is a voicemail worth
listening to. Tarzan and the guys are coming through Tampa, so he wanted to
give Mike a head’s up (stripper code). And he’s got some real bad news: “Dallas
is gone, man.”
2:30 – For those of you who didn’t see the first film, Dallas was
Matthew McConaughey’s character. It’s unclear if by gone he means “dead” or
“not available for the sequel.”
3:30 – Mike goes to a motel expecting a wake for Dallas and instead
finds the guys getting rowdy by the pool. His buddy, Big Dick Richie (Joe
Manganiello) picks up Mike and throws him in the pool.
3:40 – Bare-ass naked, by the way. And here’s the thing about Magic
Mike XXL that makes it so great: it might just be the most anti-homophobic
movie ever made. It’s a celebration of male friendship and male physicality,
without any of the cliché homophobic disclaimers or tropes that you’d expect
from its characters.
4:30 – Dallas isn’t dead! He’s just “overseas” (probably filming Dallas
Buyer’s Club, which he likely thought was some kind of very sad sequel to Magic
Mike when he took the role…and might be?).
5:50 – Big Dick Richie actually says the line, “One last fuckin’ ride,
baby!” God, I love this movie. They’re heading to The Convention in Myrtle
Beach.
6:00 – BUT HOW ARE THEY GONNA DO THAT WITHOUT DALLAS?? “Tobias is gonna
MC” they say, referring to the character played by Gabriel Inglesias, who
immediately drops an, “Alright, alright, alright,” impression, which I think
means the 4th and 5th walls are both shattered and we’re
not even ten minutes in.
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| Ken (Matt Bomer) |
8:25 – Mike’s back home, just minding his own business in his workshop. He throws on some face protection and fires up the soldering iron, when his playlist starts playing the intro to what is unmistakably Genuwine’s masterpiece, "My Pony". Uh-oh. That’s Mike’s song.
8:30 – Mike’s head slowly raises up, still wearing his helmet. “No. Uhn-uh.
Nah,” his shaking head says. But "My Pony" ain’t havin’ it. “Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
yeah,” the song literally replies. Mike flips up his mask, moves around the
table, flips it down and starts grinding metal to the beat. Sparks start flying
from the flagrantly phallic rod. He can’t fight it anymore. Off comes the face
protection.
9:00 – Mike laughs a little to himself. He walks over and sits down on
a bench, still holding the piece of metal. And thus begins the single greatest
scene in modern cinema. Dancers gonna dance.
9:30 – When an artist is said to fully utilize the canvas, this is what
it means. Mike’s poppin’ and lockin’ and spinnin’ and hoppin’ all over the
place. One minute he’s swinging around on a load-bearing beam, and the next
he’s grinding on his table, drill in hand. That’s how dedicated he is to his
art: he’s just drilling holes in a perfectly good table he built, simply
because the dance demands it. There’s no audience. Just a man, his workshop,
and sexual innuendo. I bet you’ve never been as passionate about anything as
Magical Michael is about stripper dancing.
10:00 – Welp, you’re either all in or you’re probably out at this
point. Still with me? Alright, alright, alright…
10:15 – The guys are getting ready to roll out toward Myrtle, when a
voice asks, “Got room for one more?” You bet your ass it’s Mike. And you bet
your ass they do. Ken isn’t pleased. I feel some serious stripolitics are at
play, here.
12:00 – How are they getting to Myrtle Beach? In a Fro-yo Food Truck!
Tito (Adam Rodriguez) makes artisanal probiotic shakes and Tobias DJs. This
moment is the closest this movie comes to the movie Chef, which is also good,
but in a different way.
13:00 – Richie doesn’t like that Mikey’s on his phone replying to order
requests for his business, so he throws his phone out the window. Mike’s
pissed, but Richie says he better get on board because nobody’s messing with
the mojo this trip. So, you know what? They’re going to Mad Mary’s.
15:30 – It’s drag night at Mad Mary’s and they’ve got $400 for the best
amateur Queen in Jacksonville.
18:00 – Sorry, actual amateurs and actual drag queens who wanted to win
that contest, but the guys go up one after each other, and Gabriel Inglesias
brings home the $400. If I was there, I’d be so pissed. It’s like, someone has
been waiting all week, thinking about this moment, and then five professional male
strippers and Gabriel Inglesias hop on stage, twirl around a little, and the
dream is dead.
20:00 – Real talk: come Monday morning, Tito’s back to pulling snow
cones at the mall, and Richie’s back to raking Tropicana field, which probably
isn’t even a thing. Tito has a big idea though: “Condomints”. It’s a package of
condoms and mints, so you have everything you need for your weekend. This
conversation ensues in my house:
ME: Hey, didn’t I have an idea like that—that combined two products
with a clever name?
KATIE: Yeah.
ME: What was it?
KATIE: Babe--you couldn’t pay me to remember all the shit that you say…
So, yeah, we’ve still got the passion. Back to the movie:
21:30 - Ken and Mike are talking
and Ken says, “It’s like Oprah says man, when someone shows you who they are,
believe them.” I immediately spiral into a dizzying rage about Trump and then
come back in time to see Mike tell Ken to hit him so the air is cleared, and he
does. But he’s not happy about it. “There are a lot better ways to handle shit
like that.”
23:30 – Channing Tatum is peeing by the tall grass (which is how you
die in Oregon Trail), when a girl starts taking photos behind him.
“That’s…usually what happens when I pee on the beach,” he “quips”, except I
believe him. They start flirting and talking about inner drag queens and Mike
casually drops a Grace Jones reference.
STUDIO EXECS: And who, exactly, is this movie’s target audience?
DIRECTOR: Everyone. Absolutely everyone.
29:00 – It’s morning and they’re all coming to. Ken’s been meditating,
and he and Mike discuss life after The Convention. You might find this hard to
believe, but the future after stripping is bleak for these guys. I would have
written the line, “Life’s rough, man. One minute you’re stripping, the next
you’re just…getting undressed. It’s depressing, bro.”
29:30 – Tito and Richie stumble back to the food truck. “You bangy?”
Mike asks. Not for nothing, but this is a food truck full of male strippers who
just had sex with strangers on a beach, and “You bangy?” is THEIR “Locker Room
Talk.” Tito did bangy. Richie didn’t bangy on account of his ginormous dick. It
freaks girls out. He’s down about it, but surely there’s a Large Vagina Vanessa
out there for him, right?
30:15 – They get back on the road, pass into Georgia, and Tobias gives
everyone molly. I think it’s worth noting at this point that Tampa to Myrtle is
an 8.5 hour drive. They could have completed the entirety of the road trip
while I was at work.
33:00 – Mike tries to get them to come up with new routines for their
last Convention. He’s asking Richie why he dresses like a fireman and dances to
Hotter Than Hell when he’s scared of fire and doesn’t like that song. We get a
classic, “There is no fucking universe in which I am not doing that fireman
routine!” crash cut to “54 Minutes Later”, and while I love this movie, the
weakest link is the font selection here. Pretty sure they used Courier New and
said, “We’ll edit it later” and just never did.
33:30 – Molly kicked in, they’re ready to evolve. They’re also at a gas
station. To get Richie to have faith in his ability to change his routine, they
send him into the gas station to dance his big dick off until the lady at the
register smiles. This movie uses dancing in all the right ways.
36:00 – I’m not even going to describe what just happened. You’ve got
to watch it. Needless to say, they’re making new routines.
39:00 – They’re all bonding and holding hands while Toby drives, then
all close their eyes to feel the energy and Toby drives the truck off the road
into the woods and totals it. So yeah, MOM, you were right when you told me
never to take molly in a fro-yo truck while on the highway with my friends.
41:00 – Tobias is out of commission with a concussion, so they’re
leaving him in the hospital. “All I wanted was one last ride!” Richie laments.
We know, Richie, we know. “This is another bad idea, but…I think I know an MC
in Savannah” Mike announces. Looks like we’re going to Savannah!
44:00 – Mike takes them to a fancy strip-club mansion run by a woman
named Rome (Jada Pinkett Smith). He’s a bit scared because he used to dance at
this place before it was so fancy. Rome seems to be in charge of the joint, and
is pretty upset—probably because every time she has sex, the guy makes a “When
in Rome” joke.
44:30 – Stripper culture is really mysterious.
45:00 – Rome explains how her “club works”, describing how religion
worked in ancient Rome and how she applied that to her establishment, but all
she really needed to say was, “You ever belong to a gym? It’s like that, but for
watching male strippers.” We’re all familiar with clubs, Rome.
46:20 – Why does that stripper look familiar? OH, it’s because it’s
MICHAEL FUCKING STRAHAN! Buckle up, chuckle fucks, Mister Augustus is about to
blow your minds. And he’s super serious about it.
52:00 – If you didn’t think Donald Glover aka Childish Gambino was
gonna freestyle about recent divorcee, Caroline, you were flat-out wrong,
friend.
54:00 – Rome thinks the Convention is some bullshit. Mike wants her to
MC to get rid of the tension between them. He says he didn’t bail on her, he
took a job and she wouldn’t let him back in the house. Since he’s a meat man,
it’s unclear if that means they dated or if she was keeping a stable of
strippers around.
56:00 – Rome asks the women at the club what she should do. “Should she
leave that ghost in his grave” (not how ghosts work) “or give him an
opportunity to be resurrected” (also not how ghosts work).
57:00 – She wants Mike (previously known as White Chocolate) to dance
for his dinner. Inexplicably, despite being a stripper in a strip club, he
doesn’t want to and says, “C’mon, let’s not do this…” Rome has another guy
start dancing with a girl. “You got this man,” his friends say, and he flips
(literally) into the fray.
59:00 – Magic Mike proceeds to do things that wouldn’t be okay to do in
a gym. As he dances, he lets it all out, dancing with this woman, dancing with
that one, now that one, now that one, clearly in a flow state--what athletes
call “winning time”; unleashing his art on all the women in the room until it’s
clear that Mike operates on another level from the rest of them. It’s
dangerous, it’s exciting, it’s something pure in this convoluted and ugly world
of ours.
60:00 – I WILL say it leaves me wondering what the club’s waiver has in
it.
64:00 – The guys get a ride up to Charleston with Donald Glover, and
end up at a huge (read: plantation) house. This is supposed to be where the
girl Tito hooked up with lives, but when they walk inside they find Andie
McDowell and her friends. They’re all, “Oh, we’re sorry, we’ll just go—,“and
she’s all, “NO! STAY! And why couldn’t this have been my Groundhog Day?”
67:00 – Andie McDowell’s daughter walks in with her friends and it
turns out one of them is the girl
73:00 – Everyone’s drinking and sharing stories about their sex lives
and relationships which leads to Ken singing Heaven by Bryan Adams and dancing
with the shy, sad woman who’s never had sex with her husband with the lights on
AND STILL NOBODY SEEMS TO NOTICE THAT KEN LOOKS LIKE AMERICAN PSYCHO.
Seriously, he looks like the last thing you see.
75:15 – Channing Tatum proves it time and time again: the man knows how
to deliver a line. He found the absolute best way to say, “No, I’m a cookie
guy.” No better delivery of that dessert joke. And if you’re reading this
still, you better already be making plans to watch this movie and hear it for
yourself.
76:45 – Photography girl is sad because she got played by a married
photographer who offered her a job, so now Mike is trying to get her to come to
Myrtle Beach for the Convention. Ya know, everyone’s so psyched about Myrtle
Beach, but I went there for spring break in college, and the only memories I have
are of a recurring Arby’s promo at a minor league baseball game that loudly
announced “Roooooooaaaaaaast beeeeeeeeeeef!” over the PA, and me and my Jewish
friends being told we couldn’t go into the bar with everyone else. I’m not
saying I wouldn’t murder a kitten in its sleep to travel back to that care-free
time of my youth, I’m just saying it’s not THAT awesome.
77:00 – Channing Tatum says his God “is a she” which sounds all
feminist until you remember that he’s probably talking about Alanis Morissette
in Dogma because “Jay and Silent Bob are funny as shit.”
80:00 – it’s morning and Andie McDowell got down with Bick Dick Richie!
What a magical world we live in when a male entertainer from Florida can find
his “glass slipper” of an older, wealthy divorcee in Charleston, South
Carolina. Move Disneyworld to Charleston, I say! Who needs the Disney castle
when you have that charming Confederate Flag?
80:30 – She gives them her ex-husband’s car to drive to Myrtle. Somewhere
in the world, Phil Connors sighs and takes another drink of scotch in an empty
motel room.
81:00 – They get to the Convention hotel and Rome is waiting for Mike along
with Donald Glover. It’s all happening!
83:00 – Now that the whole crew is together, a montage begins...I just
have no idea what this montage is about. I thought they were creating new
routines, but they’re also buying ice cream sundae supplies, screwing some
metal tables together, singing…this could go anywhere.
85:00 – You know how I know I’m old? They finally show the Convention
Center with a packed parking lot and my immediate reaction is: they better
leave before this thing is over or they’re never getting out of there.
85:30 – It’s E-B! Elizabeth Banks is in charge of registration and
guess who didn’t registrate? The goddamn Kings of Tampa, that’s who!
86:00 – “You don’t even have an MC, what am I supposed to do?” I get
the feeling in the land of strippers, the person who can talk into a microphone
coherently is king.
87:00 – Rome steps forward and is like, “Yes they do,” and Elizabeth
Banks’ mind explodes. They nuzzle each other and then Banks declares, “This
woman taught me everything I know.” About registering contestants?
88:00 – We’re finally at the Convention which means we’re at the part
of the movie that most closely overlaps with Bring It On and Pitch Perfect. But
like, with half-naked men and a buttload of abs, which is also my new band’s
name.
89:00 – Fuckin’ amateur hour out on stage where a poorly choreographed,
shoddily written strip-skit about Twilight has the crowd cheering. Must have
been written and directed by Steven Soderbergh.
89:30 – Rome steps into the huddle to say, “It’s not bro time, it’s
showtime,” which I like, and will use a lot in the coming weeks, but what she
doesn’t get is that with this group, it’s BOTH.
90:00 – Elizabeth Banks is the contest MC. Is it just me or is
Elizabeth Banks in an inordinate number of roles where she announces contests?
90:30 – Ummmmmm, Elizabeth Banks just said, “Now I know this is not a
competition, but y’all are gonna go home with one of your favorites tonight.”
Is this NOT a competition? What have we been working toward?
91:00 – Wow, Mike has serious…adjective
recognition? “He’s a magical little dancer,” and the crowd goes nuts. It’s just
cool to see the fans so into the culture.
93:00 – THE MOMENT IS UPON US! The group comes out to a hip-hop mashup
of what I think is the Star Wars: The Phantom Menace theme, and then the solos
begin. Starting with Tarzan:
94:00 – Tarzan’s solo is high-concept, minimal stripping. He’s dressed
as an artist circa the Renaissance, he’s painting, he’s twirling, he rips his
shirt off, and he throws a bucket of glitter at the canvas, which produces the
message “My Goddess” as the glitter sticks. It’s creative, it’s classy, I give
it 3.5 out of 5 man thongs.
96:00 – Tito comes out to Candy Shop, dancing around, pulling three
women up on stage, and slathering them in hot fudge which he licks off, and
then finishes by spraying whipped cream all over them. I’ll say this, the
montage is making a lot more sense. Not as much stripping as there was sundae
making: 3 out of 5 popped maraschino cherries.
98:00 – Ken comes out to a smooth R&B number, which he sings
himself while gyrating and grinding up on various women in the crowd. Top hat,
tank top, ass-less chaps, won’t stop. 4 out of 5 falsetto climaxes.
101:00 – Richie comes out in a full tux, and moves his way Double-Dare/Billie
on the Street style through an obstacle course of wedding moments. It’s his
molly-induced fantasy act. As he and his new bride walk up on stage toward a
sex swing that used to be made of conference room tables (montage!), things
turn dark, the lilting pop song fades out, and Nine Inch Nails’ Closer comes on.
Richie grinds up on his beloved bride like only a man in a relationship that
has fully exhausted their sexual options in the years preceding their wedding
night can. The crowd goes nuts. 4.5 out of 5 diamond cock rings.
104:00 – Just Mike left to go. This is it. Don’t get scared now.
109:00 – I’m currently unironically slow-clapping. They don’t call him
Magic Mike for nothing, folks. Mike and one of the guys from Rome’s club get on
the stage that is set up like a mirror in the middle. The photographer and
another girl get pulled up on stage, and the two entertainers leave it all out
there, mirroring each other’s dancing, high-fiving in the middle, and
acrobatically flipping themselves and the girls around.
110:00 - They gave everyone what they came to see. I will no longer
call these men strippers, for they truly are entertainers. There’s even a callback
to Mike liking cookies. “Looks like someone got their smile back,” Mike says at
the end. You’re goddamn right, I did, Michael. You’re goddamn right I did. 5
out of 5 borderline sexual assaults.
110:30 - If I did any of the things Channing Tatum just did, each of
the girls would have been kicked in the face about forty times, I would have
pulled both hamstrings, and I’d have a migraine by the end, but it’d be too
late in the night to take Excedrin because of all the caffeine it has. That
reminds me, leaving that parking lot’s gonna be a bitch.
112:00 – I wish I could end on that note, but as the music keeps
rolling, we flash forward to the rest of the night where the gang is out on the
boardwalk, loving life and each other, hugging and laughing. Gabriel Inglesias
returns and they’re all super happy to see him, especially since he missed the
Convention and would have been unimaginably worse than Rome was. As "All I Do is
Win" plays, fireworks go off in the distance, and the guys come together to
watch, leaning on the railing of the boardwalk, lights shining in their eyes,
like at the end of Ocean’s Eleven—only these guys were better, because they didn't even need pants to fulfill their dreams.
Crash to black.
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