Friday, August 05, 2011

Witz Pickz: Well, I Guess This Is Growing Up

My roommates recently moved to Germany (a country best known for its flash-mob style performance of The Holocaust*) for grad school, making way for M-Dash to move in. In the last 24 hours, we've been cleaning, scrubbing, arranging, rearranging, vacuuming, dusting, and fixing the apartment; however, one item in particular has made me realize that I'm getting older:

We bought a new toilet seat. I hadn't thought twice about it in the year and a half I've lived here, but M-Dash pointed out that it had definitely seen better days. Considering the fact that all the toilet seat saw on even the best of days was an ass plummeting downward, I decided she was probably right; so, we went to Lowe's and bought one.

AND I FUCKING LOVE IT. Seriously-- I don't know if it's the fact that I'm about to turn twenty-nine or if I subconsciously see it as a representation of my girlfriend moving in, or what, but I love the shit out of this toilet seat. In fact, I don't even want to shit through it-- I want to do things with it. I want to hangout in the bathtub and quote 30 Rock to each other. I want to make a movie about it, voiced by Donald Sutherland and co-starring Daniel Craig. I want to sit on the tile, give it a cap and gown, and read "Oh, the Places You Will Go," to it. I want to take it day-drinking in Prospect Park and watch the sun gleam off its silver, metal hinges.

I mean, am I going insane or is this just what happens when you get older? A couple years ago, my parents gave me a Cuisinart for Christmas and I knew I'd turned a corner toward adulthood. Is it a toilet seat today, a shower curtain tomorrow, and then a well vacuumed rug bringing me joy the next? Maybe it's a good thing.

Sure, my initial reaction is to walk outside and try to greet an oncoming truck with a hug, but maybe what I really need to be embracing are these simple joys of domestic living. If I'm just as happy about a new toilet seat or a clean rug as I used to be after drinking Red Bull and Vodka until four in the morning, I've saved myself a ton of money and a whole lot of hangovers. On the other hand, it's going to be a tough sell to invite my friends over to stare at my bathroom with me, when I don't even want to come over to see their babies. Either way, at least I'll have my beautiful new roommate with me to figure it all out-- and M-Dash will be there, too.

What Did the Toilet Seat Say to the Butt? There's a Whole Lot Resting On This!,

*Some people might say that this joke is unfair and that I give Germany a hard time, but think about it: What's Switzerland best known for? Knives and chocolate. What's France best known for? Wine. What's Italy best known for? Their food. What's the United States best known for? Starbucks and McDonald's. What's Germany BEST known for? The Holocaust. That's just how it is.