Thursday, July 30, 2009

Witz Pickz: Jews Kicking Ass

If you ever saw Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and thought, "Yeah, this movie is alright, but you know what would make it better? WAY MORE JEWS!" then you need to go watch Defiance. I watched it last night and despite my vague and sporadic Jewish identity, I got all pumped up from watching Daniel Craig and Liev Shrieber take on the nazis. And guess what? Daniel Craig isn't even Jewish-- he's just become an honorary Jew after being in Defiance, Munich and Fateless. Which does seem a little awkward:

Director: Alright, we're making a movie where some badass Jews kill the nazis.
Producer: Yeah, right now we're looking for someone who can play Jewish.
Director: Play Jewish?
Producer: Yeah, we need someone who looks like they could actually take on the nazis, but still be believable as a Jew.
Director:'s a true story-- this actually happened.
Producer: So?
Director: So, real badass Jews DID take on the nazis.
Producer: But that's not believable.
Director: Why can't we just get a real badass Jewish actor to play the role?
Producer: (sighs) Because Vin Diesel can barely speak English, nevermind speak with a Russian accent. Plus, he made The Pacifier.
Director: Fine, but there have to be more...
Producer: ...
Director: I see your point.
Producer: We can get Daniel Craig.
Director: Oh! Isn't he Jewish?
Producer: Exactly.

(Daniel Craig would be equally believable as a Jew or a Nazi)

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "No, but seriously, isn't Daniel Craig Jewish?" I wasn't sure until I searched online and came across the site "Jew or"* which appears to rate people's Jewishness on a scale of 1 to Steven Spielberg (and investigates whether or not fictional characters such as Gargamel were Jewish. They determined he's probably not, but somebody involved is probaby anti-semitic). Daniel Craig scored a 6 because he's become typecast as Jewish, but is not remotely Jewish. But that doesn't matter to me, because he kicked ass.

I determined that the "Jews kicking ass" film market is just waiting to explode. In fact, the entire "Oppressed peoples kicking ass" genre would be huge, and I don't understand why it doesn't exist. They use "based on a true story" to describe HORROR films (which is like a great big "FUCK YOU" to our intelligence-- "No,I mean The Mist didn't TECHNICALLY try to kill us, but it WAS difficult to drive in..."), so why not keep it going for more of these movies?

I'm not talking about the "oppressed overcoming adversity" movies either. Sure, black students being good at debate is great and all, and I'm super psyched Cuba Gooding, Jr. got to go scuba diving, but wouldn't it be way more exciting to see a successful slave uprising; killing the horribly racist plantation owners and creating a safe community in the backwoods of Georgia? Something like that PROBABLY happened. Shit, gimme ONE badass Harriet Tubman flick. JUST ONE. What about "Fully Cocked: The Prop 8 Rebellion -- This time equal rights brought rocket launchers." I'd even be fine if Pixar made "Cows" with the tagline, "They've got a beef with us," where a group of cows slaughter their cruel human overlords and escape to the wilderness of Canada where they learn that they're actually very very dull creatures and were better off on my plate with BBQ sauce, an onion ring, and a bun (Burger King Rodeo Cheeseburger whaaaaaaaat!).

I mean, they made Valkyrie and that's a movie about a FAILED ATTEMPT to kill Hitler-- but it was cool. I'm even pumped up for Dead Snow, the Norwegian movie where a bunch of skiiers have to battle Nazi Zombies. Basically, pick a group of bigotted assholes and show them getting their asses kicked. No, it won't reflect the difficulties and the tragedies, and the futility of the times necessarily, but most people ALREADY KNOW ABOUT THAT, and occasionally just want to see bad people get what's coming to them.

Anecdotal proof: In college, the nazis came to town. We all wanted to go see them because, "When else in our lives will we have a chance to kick a nazi in the nuts?" but both the news and our college proclaimed, "Don't go down to the protest and hit them. That's JUST what they want you to do!" EXACTLY! EVERYBODY loves seeing the nazis getting their asses kicked-- even the nazis. Go see Defiance**.


*Somehow I feel "black or not dot com" wouldn't go over as well.

**Remember when I used to actually provide opinions on things you should or shouldn't have in your life? Defiance was actually a very good movie and they did a great job of riding the line between action and um, THE HOLOCAUST. Daniel Craig, Liev Schrieber and the rest of the cast are great and the 2 hours 15 minutes doesn't drag at all. Plus, they're totally and completely badass. Definitely worth seeing.

This was me, fully engrossed in the film as the camp of Jewish refugees were fleeing the nazis in the forest and suddenly came upon a huge swamp and try and decide what to do:

They're like "Cross it!"
and I'm like, "Cross it!"
and they're like, "It's too far!"
and I'm like, "It's not!"
and they're like, "It's too deep!"
and I'm like, "It's not!"
and they're like, "The nazis are right behind us!"
and they're like, "There might be snakes!"

This is why I wouldn't have made it.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Witz Pickz: Our Little Secrets

Today, for the first time in my life, I think I understood why men wear women's underwear. Eh, I guess I'll elaborate. You see, as I hobbled into Safeway today, I looked completely the same to everyone around me...BUT underneath my jeans, I was wearing a compression wrap on my pulled hamstring. Tight, safe, secure-- it felt like I was putting one over on the world-- it was my little secret, and it made me feel great. I had confidence...I also had extremely limited mobility and couldn't buy cheese because I couldn't reach down to pick it up...but also confidence. There's something empowering about tricking the world, even when they don't care they're being tricked.

That's why I've been wearing my Stanford University t-shirt as much as possible the last two months while I've been unemployed. Why am I free to shop and go to the gym or library or anywhere at all hours of the day? Don't ask me-- just read the t-shirt. That sucker gets in with every laundry load I run, and more than once I've encountered a respectable businessman, or a gym employee, or a cute girl at Safeway and thought, "Standford tee is saving your life right now, bro! (Paraphrasing Charlie as Green Man in It's Always Sunny...)" I'm not disheveled and lazy, I'm just obscenely intelligent. It's the same technique I used to use for how I let people know my opinions regarding Co-Ed Naked events or sports.

Anyway, the compression wrap/undergarment thing got me thinking about what makes other people feel good-- and thanks to Turbo, I was shown this As Seen On TV product that can only be sold to the very depressed to make them feel better.*

Doc Bottom's Aspray:
I honestly don't know if it's real or not. Too many years of comedy and parody have made me completely incapable of judging reality. A lot of me wants to say this is a joke, but I would have thought the same thing about the Mr. T cooker, and it's probably illegal to take credit card information for fake products. Take a look:

My Thoughts:

-I can't imagine people with "BEASTLY BUTT ODOR" would both know that they had said issue AND refer to it as "beastly." Ever. Equally notable: Why does Plumber A stick his face into the ass-crack of Plumber B while passing the wrench? If his location was Seattle, and he handed the wrench to New York City, his face took a detour to Houston.** No, this isn't on the GREs.

-Six words: "You can even A-Spray your privates."

-I love how he brings America into this. Like people have extreme body odor issues, but aren't dealing with them because they only buy American.

-I like that they made "Lanny F" the all purpose consumer. I don't know if it's a 55 year old man or a 70 year old lesbian.

-"Stops odor before it starts" sounds like a lifetime commitment to me. Once you buy Aspray and start using it for its 24 Hour Protection, you can't ever really stop without worrying that you'll revert back to a freakishly smelly sack of flesh.

-We're all on the same page that it's spelled like "Ass-spray" right?

-If I ever find Aspray in anyone's home, it's going to carry the same weight as finding out they are a convicted felon. Sure, maybe they're functional in society, but right below the surface or one poorly timed government holiday and the beast rears its odorous head and it's ass-crack city*** all over again.

I can't wait to get the, "Normally I'm not very sensitive to this type of thing, but I have a lot of friends with beastly butt odor, and if it wasn't for Aspray, they wouldn't be able to play in the deaf olympics!" comments.

I Would Have Called It, "I Can't Believe It's Not Beastly Butt Odor...Spray,"

*Ok, it didn't really make me think that-- in fact, Turbo gave me these links BEFORE I put on the compression wrap and went to the store...and I don't think in half-baked segues, which is a blessing and a curse. So I lied to you just now, but the important thing is that I always admit my lies, so you always can be sure that my life is just as ridiculous as it seems.

**I just managed to both make a geographical metaphor AND call Houston the ass-crack of America. I think this shows growth as a writer.

*** related news, I've been informed that Marseilles smells overwhelmingly of urine.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Witz Pickz: Weekend Happenings OR How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Blog

Last night, as I hobbled with a pulled hamstring from Walgreens to my car, a homeless woman in a wheelchair, rather than asking for money, simply said, "Take care of that leg." THAT'S where I'm at in life-- the crippled homeless are wishing ME well. In case you were wondering, I made things more uncomfortable with the worst reply possible: "You too."

In a job counseling interview recently, I was once again asked how I find things to write about. I'm beginning to think they find me.

After being in Seattle for the weekend, I flew back to San Francisco on Virgin America, and had a very unsettling experience. Instead of getting the "Thanks for flying Virgin" message from the flight crew or simply over the intercom, the pilot, who's name was allegedly Bill, stood in the center of the aisle, and asked everyone to look up front to where he was. He said that he had two important things to say and I immediately thought, "We're not going anywhere."

"Hi, my name is Bill and I am the pilot for your flight today on Virgin America. Boy, are we happy to have you with us-- how many of you have flown Virgin before?" My "Cool Kid" instincts were still secure from high school, so I totally DIDN'T raise my hand even though I HAVE flown Virgin before. "Well gosh, that's great, that's great. Thanks for coming back, and for the rest of you, we welcome you aboard!" He smiled that special smile that says, "I stab the homeless!" and prepared to deliver his next bit of information, which I had narrowed down to three options:

1) We were all about to child molested by our new friend Bill.
2) We were all about to be hacked to bits by our best buddy Billy.
3) Our plane wasn't going anywhere until we all prayed...or Pilot Bill would blow us all up.

Instead, Bill simply said, "Next, I want to tell all of you to sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight, which should be..." I prepared for the inevitable, "delayed for a mere five hours!" but got, "An hour and thirty minutes of actual flight time," from Bill. He then turned and went to fly the plane. Somehow telling us to sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight sounded a lot like a threat. I would have felt more at ease if he'd just told me which horrible death he had planned for me.

Witz: Why do I feel less comfortable now that he's spoken to us? (translation: Hi, let's be friends)
Middle Seat Guy: Definitely. That was creepy.
Witz: I thought we were going to have a delay. (translation: I have every intention of using your body as a human shield for any knives, bullets or explosions heading towards me via our cheery pilot.)
Middle Seat Guy: I don't know how I feel about that guy flying our plane.
Witz: Me either. (translation: furthermore, judging by your clothes, age, and general demeanor, I believe that you are expendable and I will not feel bad about using you and your western shirt as said human shield, nor will I hesitate in my action to transform you thus.)
Middle Seat Guy: Weird.
Witz: I guess that's why they give us tv's...(translation: and you'll never see it coming.)

To the detriment of this post, the flight went off without incident, but I did manage to see one of my favorite INSANE television commercials during the trip. The General is an Auto Insurance company-- the hook being that The General DOES NOT GIVE A FUCK. You can be a horrible accident prone drunk driver, and The General's gonna hook you up for around $59. These commercials have to be regional, so here's a great introductory example:

Now, as you'll see from this shitty line chart I made in paint, everything's going along fine right up until The General makes his first appearance at the 20 second mark.

That isn't the commercial I saw, however. The one I saw was this:

What the hell is going on in this commercial? Is there a big market for people who want to purchase car insurance late at night? "If you smoke meth...AND NEED AUTO INSURANCE...The General is for you." And if he's been in the other room for a while, why did he, "JUST log on to The" Porn city. If, "Logging onto The General" isn't a euphamism, then I don't know what is. Fortunately, once he clicks over, it only takes him a minute to buy his dirtbag auto insurance, so he can go back to the horrid disembodied voice who inexpicably requires CHEESE PUFFS.

"How should we end this commercial?"
"Ummm, have her demand something."
"Like what?"
"I dunno man, I'm really high right now."
"Me too, hand me some of those cheese puffs."

Watching this commerical reminded me of a commercial I'd heard on the radio earlier in the day while driving with Dolan Out the Pain. It was a Qdoba commercial for their "any two items" deal. You see, you could pick out ANY TWO items and make it a combo. The girl in the commercial starts naming combinations to see if the foods will work together: "Um, how about a cheese quesadilla and a taco?" DING! It's a good combination! "An enchilada and tortilla soup?" DING! "A burrito and nachos?" DING!
IT'S MEXICAN FOOD! IT'S ALL THE SAME STUFF! Rice, beans, cheese, meat, repeat! You know how the eskimos have, like, a thousand words for snow? Well, Mexico has a thousand words for taco. Do you want a hard taco, a soft taco, a flat taco, an enclosed taco, a soggy taco, taco triangles, taco salad, taco pie, or taco soup? It's all the same! I love every bit of it, but hooooly shit people, let's all take a second to acknowledge that we see the man behind the curtain. It doesn't matter which two items you pick, you ain't swinging by Qdoba on your way to go camping.

I Like My Beans the Way I Like My Pro Athletes-- Refried,

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Witz DOESN'T KNOW IF HE Pickz: Revolutionary Condoms

Sometimes Witz Pickz provides it's own content. After posting my last column, I went to re-read it and look for typos-- because that's the type of classy operation I'm running here; the kind where I first publish AND THEN edit. Low and behold, the advertisement at the top of the page provided all the fodder I needed for a quick post today. It read:

"Trojan Condoms: New Ecstasy Condoms Have a Revolutionary New Design. Get Info!"

If you're anything like me, you saw the word "Revolutionary" and immediately thought, "BAYONETS!" but fortunately for everyone involved, that's not what they mean by a "Revolutionary New Design." What they do mean is even more baffling. Check it out:

Apparently, "Revolutionary New Design," roughly translates to, "Shaped like a billy club." Their tagline is, "TROJAN® Ultra Ribbed ECSTASY™ condoms feature a revolutionary new design that let’s you feel the pleasure, not the condom!" To be perfectly honest, I have no idea how making a condom look like a wiffleball bat changes anything beyond increasing the general rapey-ness of the encounter. One of two things is going to happen: either it's going to end up all wrinkled like you bought a condom way too big for you, OR it's going to be filled with air and make your penis feel like it's in a Bounce House. Neither one of those options has the guy "feeling the pleasure, not the condom." It just makes your dick look like it's living in Bio-Dome.

The good people at Trojan then list a bunch of bullet points they think it's important we know about their product. Two caught my eye:

"*Made from Premium Quality Latex – to help reduce the risk" -- WHAT THE HELL HAVE THE REST OF YOUR CONDOMS BEEN MADE OF?? "Made from sketchy reject latex: because if you have a kid, maybe he'll stay!"

"*Tapered at the base for a secure fit." Tapered? Really? I don't need my condoms and jeans to use the same terminology. "Trojan Boot Cut Condoms! They're completely ineffective!" OF COURSE they're tapered at the base. Otherwise, you just made a super girthy condom that only Grimace would wear:

Now, obviously this ad got me looking at their site. Interestingly, there is ALSO a "TROJAN® Her Pleasure™ ECSTASY™ condom," which looks like this:

I read the little description and the bullet point verbage, and if you look at the picture, you'll note that the ONLY difference is that the HER PLEASURE condoms DON'T HAVE the sporadic ribs at the Space Helmet End!....which HAS to mean...BY DEFINITION...that the regular Ecstasy Condoms include extraneous ribbing that makes sex LESS ENJOYABLE for the girl. That's like putting a rear spoiler on a Honda Civic-- some douchebag probably thinks it looks cool, but it's only making things worse.

The most amusing part of the whole Trojan Ecstasy Condoms line of products is their slogan: "Feels like nothing's there." Trojan. Listen to me. You have. To be. More specific. This is not the time or the place to get lazy with your pronouns. WHAT feels like nothing's WHERE? Otherwise, you're slogan might as well be, "Trojan Ecstasy Condoms: Just Because He Doesn't Have A Tiny Penis, Doesn't Mean It Can't Feel Like It." or on the flip-side, "Trojan Ecstasy Condoms: Like Banging the Vast Abyss."

I think it's fairly clear that Trojan's "Revolutionary Design" is far from revolutionary. Sure, they'll probably be more useful to drug mules, but for the rest of us, it's just going to look like our penises are wearing chef hats*. Having said that, I think it's fairly obvious I'm going to have to buy a pack of these....and watch them slowly expire....

You'd Be Surprised How Ineffective "Did You Read About These Condoms On My BLOG" Is As a Pick-Up Line,

*Picture of a dick wearing a chef hat:

P.S. For those of you playing Witz Pickz Bingo at home, you can now mark off "girthy," "rapey-ness," and "Bio-Dome." "Awkwardness" is the center square, and, as always, it's a freebie.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Witz Pickz: A Day of Errands and Awkwardness (or as I call it...Tuesday)

Well, my brain's getting dumber. I was checking out at Trader Joe's, and had "How's it going?" all queued up and ready to go when the guy at the register beats me to the punch with a, "How's it going?" of his own. So that of course set my brain on this joyous little mobius loop:

"How's it-- good-- How are going-- good it's-- how's are-- it's you-- going how-- how's it good-- how are going--...HOW ARE GOING? HOW ARE GOING??"

You know when you and someone else step in the same direction and then both correct and go the other way and then both correct and go the other way, etc, etc, until you both laugh awkwardly and admit that God hates people?* Well, it was like that, but my brain was playing both roles.

After babbling and then mumbling for more seconds than people find comfortable, I smiled and swiped my credit card. I knew that before the transaction was complete, I needed to prove I'm not a complete insane person, so I struck up conversation by inquiring,

"So is the Nutty American Trek Mix gone forever?"
"The American Trek Mix?"
"Nutty's the best trek mix." There. Now I'm just a person who's way into trek mixes.
"Uhh, I dunno. Cathy, Nutty American Trek Mix?" Cathy worked her magic on the computer and then reported,

Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, I repeated to myself. "Ah, that sucks man," but what I wanted to say was, "THAT IS FUCKED! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? THE NUTTY AMERICAN TREK MIX IS THE SAME AS THE "Just Almonds, Cashews, and Cranberries" MIX ONLY THEY HAVE RAISINS INSTEAD OF CRANBERRIES AND DELICIOUS DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE CHUNKS!" I didn't see Cathy or My Register Guy making those kind of executive decisions, however, so I walked away.

Don't worry though, this wasn't the most awkward exchange of the day for me. Earlier, I was in Safeway, next in line at checkout, when I looked out into the indoor plaza and saw a guy with binoculars just staring into the store. I looked at him with a baffled expression on my face for a prolonged period of time, wondering what the hell was going on. The guy in front of me caught my expression and gave me a somewhat annoyed look back. "Oh sorry," I said, "That look wasn't for you-- there's a guy over there staring into the store with a pair of binoculars. Easily the creepiest thing I've seen all day," I informed him, but accidentally in such a way that implied I saw plenty of creepy things in my day. The man then turned to where I was looking, by which point (OF COURSE) the guy had put down the binoculars. The guy in front of me in line then looked back at me with a doubtful expression AND something else on his face. It was at this point that I realized this man had a huge awkward birthmark on the right side of his face (the side that had been facing away from me)**. I'm sure Birthmark Guy has dealt with this a lot in his life and I bet my "Creepy Binoculars Guy" expression looked a lot like a "What the Fuck Do You Have On Your Face" expression. Sometimes words only make things worse, and for one of the few times in my life, I made the decision simply not to say anything.

Here's the kicker. After I checked out and long after the guy in front of me had left, I wandered over to where I had seen the guy with the binoculars-- and do you know what I saw? A store named, "Scope City" with a large sign stating, "Telescopes, Microscopes, Binoculars!" WHAT??? HOW...IN THE HELLLLL...does a store selling telescopes, microscopes, and binoculars stay open with this economy?? Circuit City went under. Borders is shutting down. But somehow, Scope City is riding this one out? I don't care if they don't have major competitors-- who are the people spending money on making small things look bigger right now?? "Let's see, mortgage? Nah. Car payments? Nope. I want that far away star to look less far away!" or is it more like, "I can't afford to travel anymore, so I'll make things look closer!" or is everybody just opening up private investigator firms? I hope it's that last one. If movies and tv are any indication, everybody will start conversing with a whole lot more quips and snappy dialogue.

Is That An Absurdly Unfortunate Birthmark On Your Face or Are You Just Happy to See Me?,

*I actually had a fun one of these dances down in LA where I turned around and found a tall guy in a nice suit right behind me. We did the back and forth dance precariously off balance until I solved the situation by falling right at him and giving the man a BEAR HUG. It was so awkward afterward that I felt like I should have picked his pockets during the exchange just so we both felt a little more comfortable with what had transpired.

**Vaguely related, E-Funk All-Star and I were discussing face tattoos last night and the idea of getting a life sized face tattoo of SOMEONE ELSE'S FACE. After thinking about it, neither one of us were able to conceive what it would look like, and we realized the idea is actually very zen. I also like the conversation I assume would have to take place between myself and the tattoo artist: "What aren't you understanding here? You see her face? I want a tattoo of that. On my face. Life-sized."

Monday, July 20, 2009

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Television Your DVR Would Refuse

The local news has lost its goddamn mind. Don't get me wrong, it's always been bad, but the news I've seen in the last couple weeks has been stunning. Even Lenny's like, "This isn't news, George!"

While watching the news back home in Connecticut, they warmed us up with this little tragedy: Bally Total Fitness gym closing in Hamden! BOOM! Write your local congressman. Not ALL the gyms, just this one club. Now, I know what you're thinking and YES, their memberships will be accepted at other Bally Total Fitness clubs, but NO, there is not a convenient location nearby.

Once they had us on the edge of seats, terrified of what mild inconvenience could next beset us, they dropped this doozie on the viewers: It's rainy outside. Furthermore, it HAS BEEN rainy recently. It's important to note this wasn't part of the weather report, but the actual NEWS. And it was part of the news because this rain led to things like The Strawberry Festival being moved inside.

"Do you think the change of location will hurt the festival?"
"What will happen if that is the case?"
"We will have a lot of leftover strawberries..."


The weather also led to people walking in the rain, as they so diligently showed us footage of not one, but three separate people walking hurriedly and without joy. One woman took a moment longer in the rain to inform the news that, "I was going to take my kids to the pool, but I guess we'll have to go shopping or something." A woman lost in this world. Another woman, though not an expert alleged that, "There are only so many days in the summer, and this rain has been going on for too long." The somber reporter needed add no more to the story. Instead, she simply declared, "From the Buckland Hills Mall in Manchester, I'm Useless."

At the gym yesterday, I found that it's no longer just the local news bringing us the hard hitting stories. CNN couldn't help but tell me that, "Scary Giant Squids Off the Coast of California!" Listen CNN, why don't you go ahead and tell me that there are giant squids nearby, and I'll go ahead and decide to be scared or not. I bet Anderson Cooper wouldn't think they're scary. I bet Anderson Cooper would have given that story the headline, "Giant Squid Not As Badass As Anderson Cooper." Just because Wolf Blitzer's scared of giant squids doesn't mean I'm not going swimming. I'm scared of spiders, but I wouldn't tell people, "Scary Barely Distinguishable Petite Spider On Wall In Bathroom!" Just gimme the facts, I promise we don't have the same opinions.

It's not just the news, and it's not even just the shows (which we won't get into right now). Let's talk about this "Orphan" movie. I wrote a while back that you shouldn't make certain things scary. You shouldn't make Christmas scary. It's unnecessary to make Mist scary. I'm thinkin' orphans probably fall in that category as well. Who thought, "You know who doesn't have it bad enough? ORPHANS!" and went ahead to write a horror movie where an orphan child joins a family and then kills stuff? I'm sure orphans have a hard enough time getting adopted without unnecessary fear being instilled in our culture (also, when I first started writing this, I had no problem writing "orphan," but now that I'm writing it a lot, it sounds like it might be a derogatory word. "Familialy Deficient?" "Soloists?" Is there a better word or is this not a thing?)

As it turns out, other people share this thought process. Also on CNN the other day, I saw that a group of activists are "FURIOUS" over the film and what it could mean for the Oliver Twists. While my initial thought process is, "Don't make orphans scary," I was suddenly against this group making a huge deal out of the movie. It just suddenly occurred to me that the people going to see "Orphan" proooobably aren't the same people looking to adopt. AND, even if they were looking to adopt, they probably shouldn't be adopting a child, kitten, or highway, if they were scared off by a horror movie. "You know, honey, I was all for adopting, but did you see what that fictional child did? She pretended to be an orphan and then killed people! What if they happens to us? Anyway, something to think about while we drive within 5 miles of our home."

TV Might Be Dumb, But I'm Still the Idiot Watching,

Photo courtesy of Nitro

Monday, July 13, 2009

Witz Pickz: The Neverending Hilarity of Life

The other day, my friend, Dani Law, asked me how I'm able to write about funny things when I'm depressed. I told her that it's easy because regardless of how I'm feeling, there is always hilarious stuff going on around us. I haven't felt very funny the last few weeks, but the world has been too ridiculous for me to ignore any more, so I'll try to play catch up:

Michael Jackson Died:
Did you guys hear about this? I understand that the man wrote some hit songs and is a musical legend, but the operative word there is WROTE. People are acting like he had another musical contribution up his sleeve, but all he had up his sleeve was candy and the keys to a white van with tinted windows. Plus, the man was BATSHIT CRAZY. On one of the millions of bios they showed after his death, Jackson claims that God turned his skin white and that, "People call us colored because we come in so many different colors."
I promise you that's not why people call you colored. Although I do think that's a great opening for a lot of racists to get off the hook: "Uh, yeah, that's toootally all I meant...I was celebrating diversity!"

Ironically, (if people are at all like me...which I guess they probably aren't...and I'll cite the "being frightened by my own back hair" story in this case...) by "memorializing" Michael Jackson's death on tv and the radio and in clubs and at concerts, people are probably going to get sick of him and move on faster.

Speaking of saying one thing and meaning another,check out this Domino's commercial:

I love how Memphis manages to come off as an extremely racist douchebag within .5 seconds simply by arguing about pizza. "David Ortiz" aka Cali Chicken is all, "Ours is better" and Memphis BBQ is all, "No, ours is better," and then Cali Chicken is all, "No, ours is better," and then Memphis is all, "How about we put some south in your mouth!?" and then everyone watching is like, "WHOOOOOOOOAH WHAT??"

How about we put some SOUTH? In your MOUTH? Who let that through the censors? Is that what people say in Memphis? Like, is that a normal thing to say to someone? "Hey Bill, good seeing you and the wife at the hardware store today. How about this weekend you come by and we'll put some south in your mouth?" It sounds a lot more like when two people are arguing and things escalate and then someone drops the N-bomb or the J-bomb or the F2-bomb (not the f-bomb, but the one for guys who like guys) and everyone listening does their best Sopranos impression to let them know they've crossed the line.

And what's with Domino's trying to start eight different kinds of riots? At the beginning of the commercial, the people in the background are like, "We playfully debate your crazy pizzas!" and by the end they're ready to knife each other and drink their victim's blood to wash down the pizzas that they have never even tried before, but now defend through a false sense of regionalism. Domino's Race Riot Pizzas. The advertising makes me NOT want to get involved. I don't even vote in local elections most of the time, I'm not ready to support an overaggressive regional pizza.

This isn't the first time tempers have flared up in the summer. Something about the heat gets people a little crazy and that's when things like this Domino's feud get out of hand. Fortunately for you Islamic women, you can finally cool off in the pool without having to shed all those clothes that keep you at a totally comfortable temperature in the sun! Introducing...THE BURQINI!

It's just like that song, "She wore a teenie weenie, itsy bitsy, navy full body burqini..."

After reading a number of testimonials, it sounds like they've allowed much wanted freedom for hundreds of muslim women, and the joy the women expressed makes me happy the product exists. Here's my favorite testimonial:

"My Summer? It went swimmingly!...Here I am to the right in my superhero pose. It was a running joke this summer; when I slipped on my modest swimsuit, I turned into super-mommy. I could do anything! You see that lake behind me? I swam in it all day comfortably! And I didn't get sympathy looks from bystanders. I got compliments one kind, older lady even asked me where I got my suit and I had to spell out the name a few times: A-h-i-i-d-a. She was a very pale woman who wanted a suit to protect her skin from sunburn." (Gulsen A.)

I guess I just love the idea that an old white lady is going to buy a burqini and swim around in it, more than likely oblivious to the original purpose of its creation.

I can only imagine the possibilities this might lead to...

"These are the most comfortable pajamas ever!"

I Could Really Go For Some East In My Teeth...What? That's A Very Common East Coast Pizza-centric Expression...,

Photos Courtesy of Nitro