Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Witz Flix: Dear John

"What would you do with a letter that changed everything?" the tag line asks. Uh, I dunno...scan it and store it for perpetuity? Read it while listening to Queen's We Are the Champions? Eat it? Get super frustrated because the letter is so important and yet I'm still COMPLETELY ILLITERATE (twist!)? Who's to say?

It's no secret that I like The Notebook. I even saw The Time Traveler's Wife because I thought it was based on a Nicholas Sparks book (it's not. He'd never sink to including womb hopping, time fetuses). So when I heard about Dear John, I thought, "Sure, it SOUNDS terrible, but maybe it'll be alright, like Cambodian sandwiches, or tofuti, or Zach Ephron and the Seattle Seahawks. As always, there's only one way to find out:

0 min: Hm, the production company is called "Screen Gems." I don't know much, but one thing I've learned over the years is this: they're not all gems.

1 min: Channing Tatum is in the army. Tatum!? I hardly even know 'em!

2 min: Voiceover time. He's comparing himself as a soldier to coins he saw in a mint when he was little. Still, you can't say, "My ridges have been rimmed," and not expect a little giggle.

3 min: "When I was shot...right before everything went black, you wanna know the last thing that entered my mind? You." Wait, ME?? I feel like this is that Simpson's bit:

"Only WHO can prevent forest fires? You have selected 'you', referring to 'me.' That is wrong. The correct answer was 'me,' referring to 'you.'"

It cuts to Channing Tatum surfing where he sees Amanda Seyfried. She's hanging out with-- HOLY SHIT! SIX! IT'S JASON STREET FROM FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS! AND HE'S WALKING AGAIN! WOOOOOO! I'm gonna be so pissed if Channing steals QB 1's girlfriend.

4 min: What the fuck Channing? Streeter knocks Amanda's bag into the water and runs around to go get it for her. Channing just dives off the pier and grabs it. Then, he ignores Street (who can run and swim again!) and just walks up to Amanda and hands her the bag. What a Douche-bag Retriever. And her name is Savannah?? Slllllllut. I wonder if it's because she's kinda hot, her hair always looks droopy, and I bet she goes crazy on St. Patty's Day.

6 min: Savannah invites Channing-- who's name is John by the way if you didn't follow The Clever-- back to a bbq at her place. Street is giving him shit and being kind of a dick, but to be fair, John IS trying to bang his girlfriend, and a dozen.

8 min: "You ever notice how big the moon is when it's rising, and how little it is when it's up in the sky?" I hate you.

9 min: "Yeah, but it's only perspective," he replies, "It doesn't matter where it is in the sky, or where you are in the's never bigger than your thumb." Man, the extremely-attractive really can say whatever they want and get away with it, huh? But seriously, movie, I get it, you're gonna reference the moon later when they're apart, move on. "Where'd you learn that?" she asks, because he's so good-looking, that constitutes learning. "I dunno," he replies, "Somewhere..." Translation: Uhh, yeah, so I just made that shit up because as long as I'm stringing even vaguely relevant words together, I'm pretttty sure I'm gonna see you naked tonight.

10 min: How didn't I notice that Channing has a goatee-- nay, a "bro-tee?" It's the Ed Hardy shirt of facial hair.

12 min: So there's this guy and his kid and they're "practically family" with Savannah. It's really really unclear at this point if the kid's supposed to be CUTE or DISABLED. I just like to know if I'm laughing WITH someone or AT someone (I mean, I'm still gonna laugh). I'll say this, though: he's no Jae Head. That kid's got the lockdown on cute. If Jae Head and Bobb'e J. Thompson (little black kid in Role Models) teamed up, they'd make millions.

17 min: John's dad is showing Savannah his coins...which isn't a euphamism. "He had his coins and change purse just hangin' out there!"

22 min: Aaand they're already kissing in the rain (he went with, "Well, you scare me," which did the trick). You're better than this, Nicholas Sparks. Also, and this has Big Love written all over it, she doesn't smoke, curse, have sex, or drink. I'm gonna go ahead and make the joke that my friend C-Murder would make: "Yeah, that's because she looks like she has fetal alcohol syndrome."

23 min: John and Savannah falling in love know, John Savannah would be a cool name...and Savannah John would be a singer or BBQ joint...but separately, those names are crappy.

24 min: So fuck Jason Street then, I guess?

28 min: Hahaha, great ways to ruin a relationship-- call someone's dad autistic when he's not. "Are you calling my dad retarded?" John yells. P.S. The little boy IS autistic.

30 min: Nice! John just went all G.I. Joe on the beach and punched a bunch of people. To be fair, it's easy to confuse guys on a beach with Cobra Commander.

32 min: It's gonna be really funny if his dad actually is autistic and went undiagnosed. That would mean that someone dated, married, and had a kid with an autistic guy and never thought somethin' might be up.

34 min: "Dear John..." (THAT'S THE NAME OF THE MOVIE!!!) "That's all it took. That's all it took to fall in love with you. Now we have a year apart. But what's a year apart when we had two weeks like that together." Two weeks!? I'm not sayin' I watched The Real World this season, but Savannah shouldn't be making the same mistakes Sahar did with Pablo. Don't judge me like that-- I'm researching a role called Seven Tweens Again, where seven people in their late 20's magically turn back into tweens and have to fit in. I'm a method actor.

38 min: They're writing a lot to each other, but c'mon, how necessary is an extended "how letters travel" sequence? It's mail, I get it. How come this dude is getting mail in war ravaged, zero-infrastructure countries, but two Netflix DVDs and a postcard have failed to get to me in Brooklyn?

40 min: "I wanna open up a horse-riding summer camp for autistic kids." Hold on. Brain hurting. I know there's a joke somewhere...ah, I'll get back to you on that one.

41 min: Boom! "But there's a full moon here tonight, blah blah blah, same size moon," writes John and cut to Savannah sticking her damn thumb at the moon.

46 min: Whoah. First time I've seen a "reaction to 9/11" scene in a movie. It's weird, because I'm pretty sure the movie wants our reaction to be, "Oh man-- this SUUUUCKS for John and Savannah!" Is 2001 considered a period piece yet?

50 min: John gets to be home with his Dad and Savannah for 16 hours. His dad goes all, "Wapner at five," and freaks out because he's not eating meatloaf on Saturday...but that could be anything! Toootally not severe autism.

52 min: By the way, they live in Charleston, South Carolina. Isn't naming your kid Savannah when you live in the south like wearing the t-shirt of the band you're going to see?

59 min: No matter how many layers he's wearing, you should always bet that Channing Tatum is wearing a we still call those that? Also, they're doin' it and she's got her tatums out. Zippy chance she's on birth control. One and done, Channing, you're gonna be a papa.

62 min: John re-ups because of 9/11, which isn't nearly as big a dealbreaker for their relationship as the fact that I she's been writing all the letters in cursive. Are you freakin' kidding me??

64 min: I've never seen a movie with so many guns and so little action.

67 min: "Dear John..." OH SHIT! The first time was a movie title fake out! "...I know it's been too long since I wrote you..." the entendre's just waiting to be doubled! "...please forgive me for what I'm about to say..." Ohhhh snap! Now THAT'S A DEAR JOHN LETTER! RIGHT?! Aha-ha-ha-ha-ahhhhh FML.

72 min: John just got shot up in Iraq. He wakes up in a hospital. "Welcome back, Seargent Tyree. Rest easy, ok? You're in a hospital in Germany, and you're going to be just fine." Right. Because German hospitals have always been a bastion of comfort and safety...
....that was a nazi doctor joke.

75 min: John decides not to go home, but to stay in the army. "America, fuck yeah," montage for a bunch of years and then, "We're sending you home, John. This movie's not gonna have an arc all by itself."

78 min: John's dad is in bad shape and in the hospital. John gives him a letter that he wrote to him. Letters are kind of a thing in this movie. Did you guys have the Letter People in kindergarten? We did. "S" was for "Super Socks." Mr. S thought he was soooo coooool, but I got news for ya...he wasn't. WATCH THE VIDEO!

80 min: If ya ever want to make your life feel longer, watch this movie. Time basically stops.

87 min: He goes and sees Savannah. She's at her autistic horse camp (the horses aren't autistic), "Camp Horse Sense." He says, "You finally did it, huh?" Finally? Dude-- she's like 26! I'm 28 and ya know what I've started? A BLOG.

88 min: Hehehehehehe, turns out, "No. I tried. It only lasted one summer. It was expensive." Man, she didn't start anything! Meanwhile, you know what I've had for five years? A BLOG!

90 min: OHHHHH-HO-HO-HO-HO SHEEEEIT! Savannah's married to the dad with the autistic kid. Don't worry though, he has lymphoma, so if John can just hang tight for a little while, I dunno, shoot some hoops, make another Step Up movie or something, he should be good to go in a little bit. Callous, Nicholas Sparks. With cancer, the guy looks JUST like Jim Carrey, though, so he's got that goin' for him...

94 min: She couldn't call him to tell him it was over because, "If I heard your voice, I knew I'd change my mind." Nicholas Sparks is all about love-postponed. I bet if we were roommates and I was like, "Yo, wanna get pizza?" he'd be all, "Eh, let's get it later."

98 min: She wants him to say he loves her, instead he says goodbye. He sells his Dad's coin collection-- oh, his dad died by the way, whoops-- and gives the money anonymously to Savannah so she can pay some cancer bills and keep her husband around a little longer.
...but then he dies and John comes back to her.

100 min: They hug. Fade to black. Roll credits under a painfully sentimental duet. There were songs in this movie called "Excelsior Lady," and, "Let Her Gift Be Me." These are things they need to tell us sooner. There should be a warning on the DVD.

102 min: Moral of the story? God hates single fathers. Two of them died, one from complications related to autism, the other from cancer, meanwhile John extended his tour in the army for seven years, only got shot once, and got to come home to hook back up with Savannah. Ya can't coach good lookin'.

I'm Gonna Complete the "Dear John," "P.S. I Love You," Trilogy with "Cinc-erely Yours" and the Main Character is Going to Be Yours Davis, a Simple Farm Boy in Cincinnatti Who Can't Tell a Lie and Falls In Love with Cincinnati Reds Pitcher Aaron Harang,


Sunday, September 19, 2010

Witz Flix: He's Just Not That Into You

A Brief Interview with Witz:

Question: Are you really watching He's Just Not That Into You?
Answer: You bet I am.

Question: But didn't you already see it in theaters?
Answer: How do you know that?? Nevermind. Yes, I did, but I blocked it out.

Question: Why would you subject yourself to it again?
Answer: Why? Because I'm that dedicated. Because where there are bad films, there must be Witz. Because Netflix needs its true hero. Everyone knows I'm Netflix's White Knight. Netflix needs a hero with a face--

Question: --Did you just start shoe-horning The Dark Knight quotes into your answer?
Answer: I did, yes.

Question: So...what's the real answer?
Answer: ...The girl I like asked me to.

Question: That makes more sense. One last question: Do you see any problem with the movie poster?
Answer: I do! Why do they italicize "not?" Shouldn't they italicize "that?" He's just not THAT into you. The point is that he's into you, just not THAT much. Not enough.

Question: How do you live with yourself?
Answer: Day by day.

And with that...

3 min: Yyyyick. Margene from Big Love (Gigi in this) is on a date with Eric from Entourage. This vignette should be called, "He's Just As Awful As You."

4 min: E doesn't care about Gigi, but wants to bang Scarlett Johannson...obviously. Since she's not interested in getting in bed with the Lucky Charms leprechaun, she's gonna end up sleeping with Bradley Cooper who she just met at the supermarket. This is a great time for me to ask this question: WHY do girls like Eric on Entourage and WHEN did everyone decide Bradley Cooper was funny? Whenever I ask girls the latter, I always get a response that boils down to a monosyllabic, "Abs."

6 min: This really is painful. Scarlett just won a cooler in the checkout line at a supermarket and gets super excited about it, saying "I've never won anything before! This is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me!" and hugs Bradley Cooper. I'm thinkin' that she wins something every month when she finds out she isn't pregnant.

7 min: Justin Long knows everything about girls. I knew those Mac commercials would pigeon-hole him as a smug son-of-a-bitch.

9 min: Ben Affleck's in this movie-- that guy ONLY makes good decisions. His character is dating Jennifer Aniston, but won’t marry her. He says it’s because he doesn’t believe in marriage, but I’m pretty sure it’s because he saw her in The Bounty Hunter.

12 min: Jennifer Connelly! Last time I saw her in a movie, she was in a very uncomfortable place-- and I don't mean the back of a Volkswagen.

16 min: Gigi is freaking out because Eric isn't calling her after the two of them had whatever the complete opposite of chemistry is on their first date.

17 min: I just realized that this movie is for girls, but is also about girls being dumb. The punch line to most of these jokes is, "Hahaha, us girls are STUPID."

20 min: "If a guy says he doesn't give a shit-- he really doesn't give a shit." Man...Justin Long got really jaded once Ed was canceled.

25 min: Enter Drew Barrymore. She looks like she’s been on at least 50 First Dates and is very upset about dating these days. Scarlett Johansson is asking her for advice, which is like a tank of gasoline asking which match looks safest to light.

27 min: Scarlett's rejected by married Bradley Cooper, so she flees back to Eric, who compliments her and then clings to her like she's his bafflingly overly-successful career when she hugs him.

("One of these things is not like the other one...")

32 min: It can't be good when you've been told one of the clichés that two sassy black women are talking about in He's Just Not That Into You as ways men breakup with women. And by “you” I mean, “me.”

33 min: Bradley Cooper's married to Jennifer Connelly, by the way. If they have a baby, it will be like a solar eclipse, where you can’t look directly at it, but instead will have to look through a hole in a piece of paper. That’s right—I think solar eclipses are TOO attractive to look at.

36 min: Oh man, this movie just dated itself (pun mildly intended): "My trampy little sister says Myspace is the new booty call." Let’s be honest though, who knew Facebook was gonna win that battle?* With Facebook at the top and Myspace in the dumps, where does that leave Friendster-- just blowin' dudes in the alley behind Jack In the Box?

38 min: First, I saw the "Domino Sugar" sign and now they said Baltimore. Why is this movie set in BALTIMORE? That’s everyone’s problem, right there. Move out of Baltimore! “I never meet any nice guys in Hamsterdam…”

45 min: Gigi met some guy at a happy hour, he asked for her card, she gave him hers, and now Justin Long is saying that the guy isn't into her, which is true, but I don't get it. Why did he ask for her card and give her his? Does he feel bad that he doesn't like her, but wants to enter her in a free lunch raffle to make up for it? Was he just so excited to have a business card that he wanted everyone to see?

46 min: If you ever wanna see Bradley Cooper's "rape face," go ahead and checkout minute 46, second 31 of this movie. Also, feel free to use "Rape Face" as the name of your next metal band.

48 min: Scarlett says, "Am I supposed to not be friends with a guy just because he's married? Or has an insane smile? Or an ass that makes me want to dry hump?" So much to discuss here: first of all, stop that; don't be a whore. Second, he LITERALLY has an insane smile. She smiled at him in a way that said, "I want to bang you," and he smiled in a way that said, "I bet I could fit your head in a hat box." Finally, I don't follow the ass and dry humping. Is she gonna hump HIS ass? Does she want to stand there while he backs that azz up against her? Or do good asses just make her want to rub up against jeans and zippers? I'm lost. Will this make sense to me when I'm older?

51 min: Things I'll never say to a girl I'm kissing: "Back atcha, sister."

53 min: Hahaha, alright, you know I give credit when credit is due:

Gigi: So what, now I'm just supposed to run from every guy who doesn't actually like me?
Justin Long: Uh, yeah.
Gigi: But there's not gonna be anyone left...

57 min: We're not even halfway done with this movie. Yowzah.

60 min: Justin Long is giving up all of guys' alleged dating secrets. Makes me wonder what happened to that masked magician on Fox a bunch of years back. From what I gather, the Magician’s Guild is like the Mafia, but are even better at making bodies disappear.

62 min: Luis Guzman is killin' it! I don't care if it's Old Dogs or this movie or John From Cincinnatti, the man does good work. He's like the Hispanic Seth Green.**

Jennifer Connelly: I can't have someone lying to me, to my face, under my roof, on my time.
Luis Guzman: ...That's a lot of prepositions...

68 min: "I am SO into you," Bradley Cooper tells Scarlett. Oh, so now we're emphasizing the right words? Save it for the sequel, Cooper. And WHEN are they gonna say the titular (he he he) line??

73 min: Ya know what's really bringing different ethnicities together? Cliché gay stereotypes. Drew Barrymore works with a gay black guy, a gay asian guy, and a gay white guy...and they're all the exact same painful stereotype.

74 min: All of the guys want Drew to check her voicemail at home, so they’re like, “phone home.” She’s doesn’t want to and is like, “Look, it’s not like I’ve Never Been Kissed…I mean, I’ve been Riding In Cars with Boys and, seriously, Everybody’s Fine, but Everyone Says I Love You and all the Best Men are taken, and, I dunno Home Fries, ever since Freddy Got Fingered I’m like, Lucky You, but I’ve been reaching a Fever Pitch with this love thing and maybe it’s just time I Whip It and leave Boys On the Side because I don’t know if any relationship I ever have is Going the Distance—sometimes it makes me wanna Scream, because let’s be honest, it’s getting to be some Grey Gardens down there and maybe these are just Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, but it’s like, even with all this Wishful Thinking, Everybody Loves Whales, but nobody loves ME!”

76 min: Jennifer Connelly has aged well-- just like, she looks like she has her shit together. Anyway, Cooper tells her that he slept with Scarlett. She's pissed and hurt, but doesn't want to throw away the marriage.

80 min: Kris Kristofferson is a class act.

82 min: WTF!? Kris Kristofferson just collapsed with a heart attack! This is like when I pick someone I like on Top Chef and they're immediately kicked off the show!

87 min: Gigi thinks that Justin Long is giving her signals. She makes a move at the end of his party and he rejects her and is all, "I'm just not into you to the degree that you want me to be into you." WHEN ARE THEY GONNA SAY IT!?? The suspense is killing me!

88 min: She tells him that she'd rather be the way she is than the way he is: cold and far from love. He stands there stunned, looking like someone just told him how fucking expensive Macs are.

93 min: Scarlett and Bradley are gonna bone in his office. Is this the movie where Scarlett gives up the tots? I would remember if Scarlett got naked, right? Jennifer Connelly shows up and Scarlett hides in the closet. Now JENNIFER wants to bone in his office! I bet Saving The Marriage Sex is craaaazy. Scarlett leaves the closet like an abused puppy when it's over. No tots.

96 min: Justin Long realizes he's just that into Gigi. It's unclear if he realizes that his face looks like that of an animated horse.

101 min: Aniston is taking care of a house of awful men (House of Awful Men should be a show on E!). Ben Affleck shows up and washes dishes to win her back. Man…she must really be special to go to such lengths….

105 min: J-Con finds Bradley Cooper's pack of cigarettes that he swore he didn't smoke anymore. She finally loses her shit and throws him and his stuff out of the house.

110 min: Wow, Eric's out of his G-D mind. Scarlett just limped back into his life because things didn't work out with Cooper, and the next day, he shows her a house he wants to buy in the hopes that she may someday soon move in with him and have it be theirs. Ya know what he should have bought instead of a house? A personality. Writers keep forgetting to make him remotely likeable.

113 min: Gigi just went on a date with Justin Long's Friend, a dude who looks like a third-string Kyle McLachlan, so...yeesh. He drops her off at her apartment and then there’s another knock on the door— BUT it’s Justin Long. Classic misdirection, movie. But wouldn't Justin Long and his friend have passed each other in the hallway? Was that not weird?

115 min: Justin Long and Gigi kiss. Blam! Affleck proposes to Aniston. Pow! The moral of the story? Keep being stupid, it might work out. Or is it that Justin Long is full of shit? Nope, it's never ever ever watch He's Just Not That Into You. SPEAKING OF WHICH, they never said it! I was waiting the whole damn movie for someone to say, "Look-- he's just not that into you!" at which point I was ready to jump up and break into applause like all those USA World Cup goal vs. Algeria reaction videos.

".............He's just not that into you..."

...I Mean, He Might Be, What the Hell Do I Know?,

*I'm legitimately excited to see The Social Network. Written by Aaron Sorkin, directed by David Fincher, and music by Trent Reznor? Sold.

**I am absolutely positive nobody has ever said that before and nobody ever will again.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Witz Pickz: In-Flight Entertainment

I'm 30,000 feet in the air, somewhere over Colorado, and I've hit that point in the six hour flight where I slowly regress to age six and want to whine things like, "I'm hungry, I'm antsy, I'm BOOORED!" In other words, Witz Pickz is about to get a whole lot sassier (read: crankier).

(frustrated little Witz)

Lemme put this rhetorical out there and see what you think: WHO. THE FUCK. DOESN'T KNOW THE PLANE RULES BY NOW? It's 2010, nearly a decade since, "no liquids, 3 oz containers, and take your shoes off." Granted, I've had both the need and fortunate circumstances to fly a lot since 2001 and consider myself something of a pro. I know my carry ons fit, I have my ID and boarding pass ready, and by the time I get to the x-ray machine, I have my laptop out, my shoes off, and my belt undone-- which in any other situation will get you a great view of the inside of a cop car. STILL. Doesn't everyone know the protocol by now?

The last time I flew, I saw a guy standing in the security line, working on a Big Gulp, suddenly shout, "Wait, what?! Are you kidding me, I can't bring my drink through security?? Since when??" I wanted to tell him, "Since shut up, sir. Since shut up."

Today, I stood there, hearing my plane being boarded, while the woman in front of me pulled one bottle of liquid after another out of her bag, like some sort of clown car act. Just full bottles of shampoo, conditioner, moisturizer, perfume, hand soap, hair gel, it was hilarious and infuriating at the same time. It was almost made worth it when the security woman turned to me and said, "How the SHIT don't she know 'bout this by now? My Jesus!" well within earshot of the offender, to which I replied, "That's about what I was thinking..." and we shared a laugh, her laugh meaning, "The shit I have to deal with," and my laugh meaning, "See? I'm not a terrorist, please let me through security."

I slept for the first few hours of the flight and am now hungry, antsy, and bored. Fortunately, as I'm flying Virgin America, they serve meals on the plane, right? Kinda. My legitimate options are the NY Pastrami Sandwich or the Japanese Eggplant Sandwich. I've never had pastrami in my life, so it ain't happenin' on an airplane. The eggplant sounds good, but it also sounds like I might be running a Solo 4x4 relay to the bathroom for the remainder of the flight if anything goes awry. There is a tapas plate:

"Start with artisan brie, aged cheddar, and Swiss. Then, dip handcut zucchini, etc, etc, in our roasted tomato and herb hummus. Finish it off with sweet green grapes and dried figs."

First of all, we capitalize Swiss cheese? I didn't realize it had citizenship. I must have skipped out on the "proper vs. common cheeses" day of grammar in third grade. Secondly, I'm ok with the zucchini no matter how it's cut. And why specify? Is that the only part of the meal that's handcut? Are they just mass producing Virgin America Tapas Plates, sending logs of cheese through industrial machinery, and then there are people hand chopping zucchini?

"What's the hold up on those tapas plates? We're running way behind schedule!"
"It's the damn zucchini-- we simply can't handchop it fast enough!"

Finally, how about I eat your nine dollar tapas plate in whatever order I want? It's cheese, veggies, and fruit, not salad, steak, and chocolate mousse. You don't have to walk me through the experience, I get it.

Antsy. Not much you can do about that on a plane. When I'm particularly desperate, sometimes I'll wish I had a baby, because that's the only way it's socially acceptable to walk up and down the plane aisle, obviously lulling the kid to sleep. It's kinda the same as when I wish I smoked cigarettes, so that I could go outside with people or take a break from whatever I'm doing*-- having either one is a bad idea, but they might be nice every now and then.

Bored. I slept for a few hours, I read for a bit, and now I'm writing this. Virgin has in-flight satellite tv, but it turns out that daytime television is just as bad on a plane as it is in a living room. I could rent and watch a movie, but the only one of any interest is Sex and the City 2 so I can write about it here, but that's going to lead to, at the very least, the woman and the girl next to me seeing that I'm watching Sex and the City 2, to which my only defense is saying the words, "I'm only watching it for my blog," out loud.

As I just paused to consider what to do, it occurred to me that I'm hunched over my laptop in a cramped airplane seat, typing furiously and eating the last of the trek mix I brought with me like a squirrel that's positive there's no Winter worth saving for. I definitely look like an insane person. I suppose I'll read some more, or try sleeping, or make up some games to play. The woman behind me has been laughing her ass off and I haven't looked at her yet to try and figure out what she's watching. Given the options, it's a dead heat between Date Night and Death At a Funeral. Or maybe I'll watch House with the woman next to me on her screen and occasionally say too loudly, "That would NEVER happen in real life!" Or maybe I'll snag someone's baby, walk up the aisle, tamper with a bathroom smoke detector, and take a cigarette break. WHAT?? Abducting children and smoking on airplanes is illegal? SINCE WHEN???

So Fly,

*obviously, I'm referring to times in the past here.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Witz Pickz: Maine Vacation

My apologies for the far and few between; I simply haven't been embarrassing myself the way I used to. Having said that...

...Every summer since I was born, my family has taken a vacation to Maine. I think it began as a pleasant thought, turned into a family routine, evolved into a yearly disaster, and has since become simply, "What we do." Growing up, I have, allegedly, ruined upwards of eleven (a vacationer's dozen) of these so called vacations, but if you ask me, my parents were the ones who ruined the vacations by choosing Maine in the first place, especially after they went so poorly.

I mean, Maine calls itself "Vacationland." How desperate is that? You know what Hawaii calls itself? "The Aloha State," because they're like, "What up!", "See you later!" "Whatever!" You're arriving, you're leaving, it doesn't matter to them-- they're always gonna be in Hawaii. I don't even know how Maine became "Vacationland." Just because you were the last state draft dodgers entered before slipping into Canada, doesn't mean they were on vacation. That's like if Harriet Tubman was on The Underground Cruise Ship.*

The point is, last month I found myself once again lying on the hot sandy beaches and penguin dick freezing waters of Maine with my family. This time, however, I was there for three days, had my own car, and my sister was mixing daiquiries. Which is where the fun started:

My Grandma is a four-foot-ten, golf winnin', tennis playin', fully functional, eighty-two year old woman. She has "idears," and eats "begels." She'll play you in paddle ball, shame you for hitting one too low, and then promptly laugh gleefully as she slams the ball down on your side of the sand court, sending you running across the beach to go retrieve the ball as she cries, "My point!"

GRANDMA: Whattya makin'?
SWITZ (my sister): Daiquiries.
GRANDMA: Whaaat?
SWITZ: Daiquiris, you'll like them.
GRANDMA: I never heard of them...what's in 'em?
SWITZ: Strawberries, coconut rum, pinapple juice, ice...
GRANDMA: Yeah, dyke-eries. Rini and I have those in Mexico.
SWITZ: Grandma, they're called daiquiries.
GRANDMA: Whaaat? Dyke-eries!
MOM: Maybe if you're drinking them in a lesbian bar, Ma-- otherwise, she's right.
GRANDMA: And how do you say it??
SWITZ: Daiquiris!
GRANDMA: Nah, that doesn't sound right.

Earlier, my Grandma had been reading a terrible romance/thriller that she found lying around the house. She was disgusted, not by the content, but by the stupidity of the characters. Each of us sat listening for a solid ten minutes as she went through the plot so far. There was a politician and his wife, she met a guy, but she didn't want to cheat on the husband, but: "Get this-- he's a homosexual!" and then finally she goes out on a boat with the other guy, which is when my grandma came the closest she's ever come to saying the word "sex" in front of me.

GRANDMA: Then she goes on the boat with him and THEN-- Ha! Then, they have fun.
ME: Uh-huh.
GRANDMA: Like FUN fun, know what I mean??
ME: I do. I do know what you mean.
GRANDMA: But she loves this guy and her husband's been ignoring her, and she doesn't love him, but get this-- she doesn't know if she wants a divooorce. What a dummy!

Laughing, I turned on the TV, revealing a show I had never actually laughed at: Two and a Half Men. Who the hell is watching Two and A Half Men? Turns out, it's folks like my Grandma:

CHARLIE SHEEN(answering phone): Hello? Oh, hi mom. One second—- Get the door!
GRANDMA: Hehe, she’s at the door. Hehehe.
Someone opens the door and his mom is there.
GRANDMA: Hehehe.

Oh boy. Finally, thanks to daiquiries and a little game called Catch Phrase, I managed to embarrass myself:

For those of you not familiar with the game, Catch Phrase is a game where you give a partner clues and they have to guess what the word or phrase is before time runs out. I knew I was in trouble when my sister was my partner and I had to get her to say the phrase, "Go Whole Hog." My giggling wasted what little precious time we had left, leaving me with no other option than to give the clue, "If I appeared to be only attempting to eat half of a pig, but you wanted me to eat the entire pig, you would shout....." Shockingly, she didn't get it in time.

One round and another drink later, I was partners with my mom. Before I tell you what I shouted, it's important you know the clues I was given.

MOM: Two words.
MOM: Not shallow.
WITZ: Deep.
MOM: You have two of these in your pants!

Yep. I shouted "Balls deep!" at my mom.

WITZ: Er-- deep...balls. Deep Balls?? (BUZZER)
MOM: Noooo! (laughing) Pockets! Deep pockets!

Laughing and blushing, I tried to blame my mom:

WITZ: What?? Those aren't IN my pants, those are ON my pants! AND I have four of them!

But let's be honest, there's not really any coming back from that. Yet, despite it all, Vacationland was not a bust, I didn't ruin the trip, and we all agreed, like a group of Jews on Passover, knowing full well they'd be right where they were again, "Next year in Hawaii..."

More Like VacationBLAND,

*Yep, I went from Maine to an Underground Railroad joke in one step-- I'm getting really good at this...

P.S. On my drive up to Maine, I hit this AWESOME ODOMETER READING! Did I pull my car dangerously off the highway so I could take a picture of it without the speedometer needle blocking the shot, while my sister looked at me with a mixture of pity and understanding? You bet I did.