Thursday, August 30, 2012

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Paul Ryan's Playlist

Paul Ryan, seen here listening to "Smug Hits of the '80's"
 While much can (and will) be said about Paul Ryan’s speech at the RNC last night, one seemingly innocent statement struck me as not only odd and contrived, but incredibly revealing: 
There are the songs on his [Mitt Romney's] iPod, which I’ve heard on the campaign bus and on many hotel elevators. He actually urged me to play some of these songs at campaign rallies. I said, “I hope it’s not a deal-breaker Mitt, but my playlist starts with AC/DC, and ends with Zeppelin.”

WHY DOES PAUL RYAN’S PLAYLIST END AT “L”?! I mean, if he’s a fan of AC/DC and Led Zeppelin, he’s surely got some Mötley Crüe or Whitesnake in there, right? What about Twisted Sister? Are we to believe that Paul Ryan went through his entire life willing to “take it”? As my friend pointed out, "What kind of monster doesn’t have at least some ABBA mixed in?"

Even if we are to believe that Paul Ryan listens exclusively to metal and hasn’t been tempted into potentially calling Carly Rae Jepsen, party rocking, or celebrating within the bounds of America alongside Miley Cyrus, that would make Paul Ryan a guy who listens exclusively to metal and is completely out of touch with mainstream America!

"Paul Ryan hates black music..."
I don’t want that kind of guy anywhere near the Presidency. AC/DC and Zeppelin Guy can DJ my house party, plan a rafting trip, or sell me weed, but I’m not putting him in the White House. Doing that sounds like the plot to an unreleased Pauly Shore movie from the ‘90’s. You know what doesn’t scream “Starting a war for no legitimate reason?” Bon Iver. The Head and the Heart. Taylor Swift. Mix it up, is all I’m sayin’. We get that you want to sound like a youthful badass, but you already look like the brother of the T-1000. Stop trying so hard; you’re freaking us all out. Besides, if I’m going to vote based on someone’s appreciation of Black Sabbath, then Chuck Klosterman is a much more appealing candidate.

But enough about Paul Ryan, right? He’s only the Vice-Presidential nominee. What was it he said about Mitt, again? Oh yeah, that he’s heard Mitt’s music on hotel elevators. I understand this probably means he listens to a lot of James Taylor and thoroughly enjoys “The Girl from Ipanema,” but what if Mitt Romney’s iPod is stocked solely with muzak? Isn’t that something we should know? I’m pretty sure only sociopaths and the deaf listen to muzak for enjoyment, and it seems entirely possible that Mitt Romney is so out of touch that he sees muzak as some kind of higher art form.

So while Paul Ryan’s comment was made in jest, he has inadvertently given us a window into the musical hellscape that is Romney/Ryan 2012. We may never see all of those tax documents, but for the sake of the American people, please, show us the iPods.

 Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto,

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Witz Pickz: The XXX Olympic Games

Well, the Games of the XXX Olympiad are behind us, and while Vin Diesel never made an appearance (a glaring mistake by NBC during Olympic coverage which was characterized by glaring mistakes), the games did live up to their sexually explicit connotations.

Women's water polo became a veritable "Where's Waldo" of nip-slips and oops-boobs, while simultaneously proving itself as one of the most bad-ass, intense sports I've ever seen. They don't touch the bottom of the pool the entire time, and then wrestle, smack, and battle during every possession. No wonder various body parts are all, "I'm gettin' outta here!"

Meanwhile, I watched so much of the men's swimming and diving that I can now sketch each competitor's package by memory if one of them goes missing. Did we really need that many torso and crotch shots every race? I get it: swimmers have ripped up abs and their crotches look like a hamster got caught in a water balloon. But it became so prevalent that NBC started inadvertently censoring a small portion of the junk-age:

Synchronized divers kept, "entering at the same time," while basketball announcers talked incessantly about, "double penetration," and even, "triple penetration," which, frankly, I don't understand in either--oh, nevermind, yes I do--gross. (How do you even get into synchronized diving? Are you just like, "Man, I like diving, but I'd feel a lot more comfortable if someone else was next to me doing the exact same thing at the exact same time."?) Not to be outdone, the swimming announcers were praising the athletes for their, "long, smooth strokes," how well they were, "working their hips," and how they knew, "not to go for it too soon."  

Tennis had all the moaning and grunting covered, and if my future child ever inquires what those noises coming from Mommy and Daddy's room last night were, I'm going to tell them we were throwing a shot put. I will then reiterate that there's no throwing a ball in the house and that they shouldn't throw shot put until they are in love or if it will advance their career.

(Oh man, when one makes a bigger splash than the other, don't you just want to throw up on something beautiful?)

This all makes sense. If you think about it, the Olympics are really just sports porn: the best amateur athletes in the world, competing against each other for two weeks while the rest of us voyeurs watch, occasionally commenting, "I had no idea I'd be into that," or, "I think I'd like to try that sometime." I mean, they used to compete completely naked back when these things started, which had to be both awkward and somewhat exhilarating for the archers and marksmen. I'll tell ya one thing though, they didn't have any "was it/wasn't it" erection controversies back then*:

("Bronze medal! I just went from 6 to 10:30...")
So, overall, I deem the XXX Summer Olympics a success. The US brought home the most gold and overall medals with 49 (104 overall), while China finished in second with 38 (88 overall). Ordinarily, I would say that the medal count doesn't matter, but this time it's huge because we need that gold to pay back some of our debt to China. We finished first, they finished second, but China's going home with 87 gold medals. So until the winter of 2014, we bid the Olympics adieu and can now return to our American bubble, where Vin Diesel keeps doing things in a quick and angry manner and our best athletic nudity comes when Katy Perry goes on a water slide. "...and the hoooooooome of thaaaa braaaaaaaaaaave!"

There Are People Better At Badminton Than I Will Ever Be At Anything In My Entire Life,

*How horrible for Henrik Rummel. The guy wins a bronze medal in the goddamn Olympics, which he has worked years to achieve, and the entire media goes, "Okay, okay--but IS YOUR PENIS ERECT??" And the weird thing is, instead of being like, "Yeah it is. I have a lot of training in that department, too," he replied, "No. I swear it's not erect!" I mean, if that's true, then congrats sir, but your canoe should have been disqualified for having an extra oar.