Thursday, March 30, 2006

Snakes On a Plane!!!

There are only so many hours in a day. That number is 24 (see "The 24 Blog"), and so sometimes, actions must be taken to save time. Now if you're like me, you're really into three things: Snakes, planes, and Samuel L. Jackson. Sweet, right? But how can you fit all three of these things into one twenty-four hour day? SNAKES ON A PLANE! that's how!!! "SOAP" as fans in the know call it, will be released on August 18, 2006 (yes, the same date that the amendment passed to give women the right to vote), but already the hype is too much to handle. Not only is the title not a metaphor or military code, but it stars Samuel L. Jackson as a non-snake on the plane. This means one thing, and that one thing is enough to get me in the theater: Samuel L. will at some point say, "There's snakes on the motherfuckin' plane!" That moment will give me the joy necessary to live for another three-hundred years. As if "SOaP" wasn't illegitimate enough, a recent article detailed how after being shown to test audiences and having comedic internet buzz about the movie (and it's a movie, not a film), they actually added more gore and violence in order to have audiences take it more seriously. That's one way of going. I guess their other option was to take off the "s" so the title became "Snake On A Plane," thereby leaving the plurality twist for the audience's discovery.

BUT WHY ARE THERE SNAKES ON A PLANE!?? You ask? Because! Terrorists need to kill some witness protection program guy and since guns, knives, bombs, nail clippers, and icicles are no longer allowed on planes, the obvious answer is SNAKES. FUCKING...SNAKES! Apparently snakes just beat out my idea of terrorists all listening to their discmen during takeoff, but not only would that be too great a suspension of disbelief (why wouldn't they be listening to ipods? too suspicious), the title "A Lot of Terrorists With Discmen Used At Inappropriate Procedural Times On A Plane" lacked a certain je ne sais quoi.

So why does Witz Pick "Snakes On A Plane" besides the obvious comic possibilities? Because the movie has already had a greater impact on pop-culture and society than most non-oscar winning films of the last ten years. Thanks to "SOaP", the phrase "snakes on a plane" is spreading as a cultural phrase. According to an NPR interview, people are increasingly using "snakes on a plane" to mean, "Whattya gonna do? We're effed. Nothing we could do about it. This just straight up SUCKS." Brilliant. These rare moments are what makes life worthwhile. So next time you get fired for being late to a meeting because your flight was late, the taxi broke down, your bicycle got pulled over for speeding, and right when you were about to walk in on-time aliens dropped out of the sky and forced you to watch "Slither", just smile to yourself and think, "Snakes on a plane..." and I'll be damned if you don't feel just a little bit better.

Snakes In A Plantain (would be TERRIFYING!),

Monday, March 27, 2006

Lackawanna Blues and other Seasonal Affective Disorders

I have never seen Lackawanna Blues, but I don't think that's any reason not to voice my unwavering opinion on it. Having said that, I initially hated the movie/mini-series/I honestly have no idea. It was up for far too many Emmys, Oscars, and Independent Spirit Awards without me having any idea what it was about. It made me nervous the way a seventy year old man eyes heated seats in a car and is forced to wonder if the heat is on or if he actually just shat himself again. So, yeah, that was me with Lackawanna Blues. I saw the same clip about four-hundred times until I officially cast it off. Then something happened.

I don't know what happened exactly, but i'm guessing shear inundation finally caught up to me. Plus, I'd just seen Hustle and Flow (Witz Pickz it), Four Brothers, and Crash so Terrence Howard's role in it might have had something to do with it (although i'm not rushing out to see Biker Boyz (which I might have actually seen, I don't know), Big Momma's House, or The Player's Club, so who knows. Wait a minute, when did Terrence Howard go from ridiculously typecast black guy (he was also in Johns, Family Matters, Butter, and Coach!) to serious actor? HE WAS IN GLITTER! Terrence Howard has to be the only actor in history to go from Glitter to Oscar. Ben Affleck is most likely one of many actors to go the other direction. Goodwill Hunting to Gigli? Ooph. How do ya like dem apples?). Anyway, eventually, I saw a clip of the blues side of things involving Mos Def, music, and confusingly Macy Gray, who is sounding more and more like she's constantly talking like she just walked into the public bathroom at Jack-In-the-Box and has to breathe through her mouth. For the record, Witz will constantly pick Jack-In-the-Box as well as Sonic. Anyway, while I may never see Lackawanna Blues, I would highly recommend you see it, but keep your opinions to yourself. Nobody wants to hear what other people think about worthless pop culture. It's self-indulgent-- Like Ice Age 2 or Mars Corp still producing Three Musketeers bars.


Sunday, March 26, 2006

Witz's Very First Pick

These pickz can be about anything, and will most likely range from movies, to music, to food, to noises I've heard that make me laugh. There's no innate betterness about any of the pickz. Weazing Laugh Janitor at my work is equally picked as the Sacajawea Dollar. So without any extra importance, my first online pickz (old Witz Pickz can be found at The Bates Student newspaper)are as follows:

"Hockey Monkey" by The Zambonis:
There are very few songs about monkeys who play hockey, and only one movie made on the subject (MVP), but Hockey Monkey is one of those songs. Played by a band who only write songs about hockey, Hockey Monkey truly captures the essence of how awesome it would be if a monkey played hockey. It captures the chaotic nature of the lab the monkeys escaped from ("All the scientists are running around, looking for the monkey, but he can't be found, 'cause he's down on the pond playing hockey with the kids...") as well as how a lot of kids would probably skip out on homework to be, "playing hockey with the monkey." I was reminded of this song recently because it is apparently the new theme song for the Fox television series "The Loop,"which is a show starring one of the guys from Dumb and Dumberer (Witz Doesn't Pick) about working in corporate airline offices? Al...right...well, i'm just happy The Zambonis are making some cash now that hockey is pulling in literally tens of fans a night in the US. They might be the one band ever that will soon be referred to as "Big in Canada."

The NHL:
In the same vein, I strongly endorse the new and improved NHL. While league contraction is desperately needed, the new rules have made the sport faster, more exciting, higher scoring, and rewards puck skills and quick skating. The fights are still fun to watch and you can finally tell people that have added OLN to your list of channels you watch (What does OLN stand for? I always just say the Outdoors Network, but where's the L? Witz Pickz silent L). While a number of old favorites have moved on (Mario Lemieux, Pavel Bure, Ron Francis), youth has sped up the game, and you can still watch mainstays like Jaromir Jagr play head to head against new heroes like Sidney Crosby.

Suave Shampoo For Men:
Finding a good shampoo as a guy is tough. 95% of any shampoo shelf is geared towards women, and the other 5% is dominated mostly by Axe and Axe related products. Between Axe and Garnier Fructis are your Vive somethings, Herbal Essences, and a number of other ambiguously bisexual products (although I heard Paul Mitchell and Tressieme are totally for show and he's really all about Axe, whose into it, but still calls Paul Mitchell gay when he's with his friends). For a while I rocked Crew and was very happy with that choice. Once the real world hit, however, Crew suddenly became the rich man's 'poo, and I needed an alternative. Sure, Rite-Aid brand did the trick, but I needed a shampoo with some more zip. Some zazz, but at those low-low generic brand prices. That's when I found Suave Shampoo For Men in my local grocery outlet which is cleverly entitled "Grocery Outlet." The bottle was navy blue. Check. Says, "for men" on it. Check. It also smells good, but it could have smelled like Tim Allen's career after The Shaggy Dog and I still would have bought it, 'cause it was a buck. ONE DOLLAR! And ya know what? It's awesome. I bought another bottle at a regular store for two-bucks and I'm not lookin' back. I think I might even be getting suave-ier...

Witz Has Picked,

What Is Witz Pickz?

Sometime before the turn of the century, after frogurt, but before gogurt, Jon Witz was born and began doing things. Some of these things involved rollerblades, but they mostly involved pizza and sometimes they involved nerf guns. Once, all three were combined, and that day is now known as Martin Luther King Day. In the years following, Witz came in contact with more and more things in this world. Cargo pants, pixie stix, laser tag, and one time, a baby chipmunk. That chipmunk was cute as hell, but it would have been better if it were a monkey. I've still never hungout with a monkey. Anyway, as Witz encountered more and more things, he learned to do one of two things with them: pick them (Snapple, Anti-Flag, Didgeridoos), or not pick them (slugs, mountain dew, cowboy lassos). This website is dedicated to spreading the word on what Witz Pickz, and what Witz Doesn't Pick(z). Because there's too much stuff out there not to babble ridiculously on about everything on a stupid blog. Witz Pickz you! Because only you can prevent forest fires (which Witz Doesn't Pick) and triple-thick milk shakes (which Witz Pickz!)