Thursday, February 07, 2013

Witz Pickz: A (Mis)Guide to Interpreting Your Dreams

Most people don’t know that I got my Masters Degree in dream psychology and that’s because it’s not true. I don’t see why a complete lack of relevant higher education should keep me from explaining to you all the meaning of common dream occurrences and interpreting your dreams, so I invite you all to lie down, relax, and learn a thing or two. 

Falling: Almost everyone has had a dream in which they feel as though they are falling. Sometimes it is off a cliff, sometimes from a plane, or sometimes simply plummeting downward with no clear points to define the space. This is a good thing. You are simply coming to terms with the fact that we are all hurtling through time towards our guaranteed demise, staring wide-eyed as the hard reality of death races up to meet you. Alternately, you might have eaten some bad chicken. When faced with their own mortality, chickens often reflect on their inability to fly despite having wings, traces of which sometimes remain in the meat that is then consumed.

Teeth Falling Out: Another classic. Losing teeth is primarily connected to the subconscious admission of poor dental hygiene. Sure, flossing sucks and takes up valuable minutes, but ask any old person what they’ve learned in their life and they’ll tell you, “Take care of your teeth.” In addition, losing your teeth in a dream might be connected with watching too much Homeland, because that shit is fucking sweet.

Losing Your Hair: You’re probably just worried about losing your hair. I know I am. I’ll look absurd. Like if the kid from Mad Magazine and Dr. Katz had a love child. Or, I guess, like my dad. Either way, it’s gonna be a nightmare.

Being Naked in Public: This typically means you’re angry at society and are looking to rebel. Your dream nudity is a big middle finger to authority and the social mores and folkways that you've come to loathe in everyday life. When you realize you’re naked in your dream, you feel a sense of shame and humiliation because of your nudity, when in reality, you’re ashamed of the fact that in real life you haven’t done anything to voice your anger or resentment because you're a scared little bunny wabbit. Alternately, you might be watching too much porn or HBO’s Girls.
Being Chased: Running away from something in a dream is often interpreted as the stress and pressures of day-to-day life chasing you while you sleep and leaving you to run away as you are unable to confront your problems. This is total nonsense. Being chased in a dream is your body’s way of telling you it’s time to exercise. At some point soon, something is going to rend our stable society to pieces, be it zombies, an economic crash, a snow-pocalypse, a Tu-Pacalypse, or a super storm. Your brain is telling you it’s time to prepare for the aftermath.

That seems like plenty for today. Let’s move on to some interpretations of readers' dreams:

I had a dream that my husband and I were trying to buy a home but we couldn't get approved for a loan because the bank discovered that our cat had a serious gambling problem. –Submitted by “TLC”

I’m just gonna put this out there to get it out of the way and then we can move on: Are you the “cat”? If not, we can go a little deeper. You’re most likely worried about such a big investment and are subconsciously questioning if it’s a good idea. Adjustable-Rate Mortgages are the gambling cats of the realty world, and you never know if you’ll end up owing thousands more than you anticipated. Conversely, a Fixed-Rate Mortgage is more stable, but will still leave you with a lot of money to pay back over time. Perhaps your cat doesn't have a gambling problem—perhaps the problem is that the cat is gambling at all.

I was sitting on a longboard in the middle of a boundless ocean, which in and of itself was strange because I've never surfed in my life. Then I heard this train conductor voice say "Allllllllll Abooooooardddddd!" and I turned and behind me was an enormous wave that caught me and lifted me maybe fifty feet, right in the middle of the wave, which I rode in to a beach. I was sitting on a picnic bench drying off when my ex-gf walked up and told me she was moving across the country and that we needed to break up. Then she swam out into the ocean.  –Submitted by "The Max"

Well, doesn’t your brain just mop up a mess nicely! I mean, you got to ride a wave train!! I—whew. Professionalism. OK. So. I think it’s pretty clear that in this dream the “ocean” represents the vastness of humanity—more fish in the sea and whatnot—and the longboard is obviously a phallus. You’re gonna “ride” that thing across the “ocean” to safety and comfort and, in the end, you’ll be sitting happily on solid ground while your ex-girlfriend dives back into the “ocean” away from you, with no other land in sight. Then again, it could just mean you ate some bad chicken. You’d be surprised how often that’s the case.

Want your dreams interpreted in the next installment of A (Mis)Guide to Interpreting Your Dreams? Email brief descriptions of your dreams to or tweet @WitzPickz. 

This Is the Only Time Anyone Is Ever Going to Ask You to Talk About Your Dreams, So Jump On It,