Monday, August 31, 2009

Witz Pickz: Benching Awkward

It's taken many years and a lot of hard work, but I am proud to say that I can now bench my own weight in awkward. Conveniently, the gym provides plenty of opportunities to work my awkward out.

If you go to a gym, chances are your gym has mirrors all over the place. In any other location, these mirrors would serve to protect against things like rape or murder, but in the gym, the mirrors serve the opposite function and allow everyone to secretly stare at each other. Even if you don't want to, there are very few places to rest your eyes without ending up making eye contact with somebody. With everyone staring at each other most of the time, whether they want to or not, there is a very high chance for someone to see you staring at them, and that's where the awkward comes in.

There are two main ways to recover from being caught staring at someone, whether it was intentional or not. The first way is what a lot of people do-- simply blink and look at the person like you're seeing them for the first time. The intent is to look like you were just spacing out, AKA the "Oops, was I staring at you?" face, but in reality, everyone knows that's the "Shit, you caught me being creepy!" face.

The other recovery method is a little more involved, but tends to work-- while simultaneously making you appear creepier. When someone catches you staring at them in the mirror, in order to make it look less odd, turn and stare for too long at ANOTHER person nearby and then ANOTHER person after that. Both genders if possible. This way, the person is no longer worried that you are staring at THEM, simply freaked out by the fact that you are the type of person that stares at EVERYONE. Problem solved.

I go to the gym a lot though (it's no big deal), so I've started getting creative with it. One thing I like to do, which can also be used while walking late at night, is whisper, "I'm not coming for YOU!" when a girl sees me looking at her on a nearby machine. I whisper because I obviously don't want to startle her and make her scared and by letting her know she's not my target, all of her fears are alleviated.

It's about being direct. People fear the unknown, so I just try and make the unknown known. Occasionally, I'll just say, "You are the hot girl at the gym!" That way, they know why people are looking at them, but it also implies, "Outside of the gym, in a regular diverse social population, your stock would drop dramatically, but in this confined athletic environment, where motivation is key and testosterone runs high-- you are the one that is hot." That way they understand the situation, but also potentially develop eating disorders that might just help them reach their goals which have them working so hard at the gym in the first place. I'm not saying I'm a hero, but there has to be a medal or ribbon lying around somewhere.

If You're the Hot Person At the Gym You Can Stare As Much As You Want,

(Photo courtesy of Nitro. To contact him, email

P.S. So, two more bits of awkward as I left the gym recently. First, I was in Safeway and was standing next to a middle-aged woman in the bread aisle. We were both taking way too long, and made eye-contact, so I decided a good thing to say was, "There has to be one Whole Wheat bread on sale this week, right?" because if you buy bread, you know that there's ALWAYS one type of bread on sale, it just varies week to week. This woman gave me a look that said, "Not only do I have no idea what you're talking about, but I'd really feel safer if you didn't shop here anymore." Serves me right for trying to bond over bread purchases. So I just whispered, "I'm not coming for YOU!" and walked away.

Today, as I was leaving the parking lot, the truck in front of me had a bumper sticker that said, "Nobody Is Born A Bigot," which only struck me as odd because it seemed vague as to where this guy stood on the issue. Did it mean, "Nobody is born a bigot...we can all get along," or did it mean, "Nobody is born a bigot...I had to work hard to be the racist anti-semite that I am today."?? Couldn't he have just gotten a "Mean People Suck," bumper sticker?

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Witz DOESN'T Pick: The Comfort Wipe

Continuing the low-brow humor, Turbo showed me this infomercial and I obviously had to post about it...

The Comfort Wipe:

First of all, I like how they qualify, "The first improvement to toilet paper, AS WE KNOW IT, since the 1880's." Like there might be some toilet paper out there that they know nothing about, but they still might get sued for not recognizing its existence. Next, they tell us that it's anatomically designed to fit the contours of my body. Listen-- it's a stick that curves slightly and it will be traversing the landscape from my balls to my anus-- how anatomically correct does it need to be? "It's as easy to use as a shower brush." Honestly, if you need a stick to wipe with, I think it's a giant assumption that people are already dextrous experts with a shower brush, even though they probably are your target audience.

"Being a big guy certainly has its advantages...and its disadvantages." REALLY? Name ONE advantage. Nothing against big people, but I'm guessing "not being able to wipe your own ass" pretty much knocks any advantages out of the park. "It's embarrassing to have someone help you with your personal matters. The comfort wipe allows you to maintain your dignity WHILE you maintain your personal hygiene." A) I'm confused. Does the comfort wipe do your taxes? B) Was the previous solution to maintaining your dignity NOT maintaining your hygiene? "You know what, I still have my pride-- I just won't use any toilet paper." I imagine your dignity doesn't stick around very long if your personal hygiene is taking that kind of vacation time.

If you're not already terrified of using the Comfort Wipe, here's something that might do the trick: while I was watching tv, I saw another infomercial that had me thinking, "Wait, why does this product look familiar??" and then I realized, it was the SAME AS THE COMFORT WIPE. Introducing, the Windshield Wonder:

Utilizing both alliteration and classic Stick Technology, the Windshield Wonder boldly asks the question, "Why stop at asses?" After all, this is America-- and these colors don't run...because they're morbidly obese, believe McDonald's fries are a vegetable, and need to buy two seats on the airplane when they travel to somewhere cooler in the summer, because when they sweat in the heat all the neighborhood animals think someone's frying chicken. If someone can't reach their own ass, they probably can't reach their own windshield to clean it. Well played, Windshield Wonder.

Here are a few quick notes about the informercial:

1) I love how difficult they make cleaning everything to be. The models actually put themselves in the most awkward, difficult positions possible. The women is seated in the passenger seat, practically with her seatbelt on. "Hard to reach interior glass" is the BACKSEAT WINDOW.
2) I love the Sci-Fi Future Technology font.
3) Peep the extended autistic child shot at 0:46.
4) How fucking high do you have to be to smile while dusting your home?
5) Did Julie B kill Simba and steal his mane?
6) "That's two Windshield Wonder kits! One for your car, and one for almost every other surface in your home." I think we both know the surface they're referring to.

If you need the Comfort Wipe, you might as well just get the Super Toilet.

Puttin' the "A-S-S" Back in "Classy,"

Read this transcript from a guy who tried to return The Comfort Wipe.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Witz Pickz: 2009: A Toilet Odyssey

I live in a world where toilets are like slot machines-- you put something in, pull a lever and it all goes down the drain. So, it's not surprising that when E-Funk All-Star told me, "I just went to a house that has an automatic ass washer and dryer built into the toilet," my initial response was, "A) Are you sure the toilet wasn't just broken and B) I'm not entirely convinced you know how to properly work a hair dryer."

Then I saw the keypad:

Someone, somewhere saw a washer and dryer in the basement of their first apartment and thought, "Someday, I'll have a washer/dryer of my own...FOR. MY. ASS."

Look at the options on this thing! The controls look like the ADT security system my parents have at their house, only this thing would probably be more terrifying-- and it's always armed. On that note, let's start with the "Cleansing" options. Apparently, this toilet has J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets Jets, and they're aimed at the business end of your business end.

There's a front cleansing button which is pink implying that is is for women, which seems reasonable, except that I promise you EVERY SINGLE GUY who has EVER used that toilet has pressed the front cleansing button. It's just way too hilarious an option. Then you have the "Rear Cleansing" options: Soft and Regular. "Soft" has a little image of a plume of water spraying the general vicinity of Our Man's undercarriage. "Regular" depicts a water cannon with a missile lock on your five hole. I can't even imagine the first time you decide you need the "regular strength" butt cleanse. Hygiene aside, that has to be like riding the flume at a theme park ass naked on your back.*

Butt wait, there's more! Take a gander at the "oscillating" and "pulsing" buttons. Now, as far as oscillating goes, I've spent one too many hot days in front of a fan to think that the jet of water doesn't go side to side. "No, no, no, ahhhh, no, no, no." I just don't understand why it would do that-- and even if it goes back and forth, there really isn't that much room to work with. What happens if you only select "Rear cleanse" and "oscillate?" Does it just blow up? Just, Boom. Dead. Toilet Death. Even David Carradine's like, "Man, that'd be embarrassing." As far as pulse goes, I can't imagine a time when "pulsing" would be any better than just a constant stream of water-- we're not makin' smoothies here. Actually, I can think of one reason, which is why between the oscillating and the pulsing, I think we can agree that whoever sold this product is basically saying, "If you've ever wanted to fuck the fountain at the Bellagio-- you're gonna love what we're selling!" I wonder if there's, like, a Mozart of the Washer/Drier toilet-- just playing that keypad like a baby grand...

The dryer button seems pretty self-explanatory, only if it's anything like those hand dryers in public bathrooms, you're going to be there for forty-five minutes, but let's be honest, if you've ever been in the guy's bathroom at a college dorm, this drier is pretty much just cutting out the thinly veiled charade.

Which leaves us with the "stop" button. I like how the "STOP" button is marked VERY CLEARLY on the keypad- it's capitalized, color coded, and includes the universal VCR symbol for "Stop!" It's like a safe word, and I'd have one finger on that at all times in case of technical malfunction or if I'm just ready to tap out. Because, while light shows are fun and we all enjoy spinning the roulette wheel, sometimes you're only at the casino to play the slots.

I Can't Believe I Went Through That Whole Casino Analogy and Didn't Make a Craps Joke-- Stayin' Classy,

*Similar to why someone would invent the front cleanse, someone had to said, "Wow, look at Old Faithful-- such an amazing natural geyser. If only it could be UP. MY. BUTT." (That was like Witz Pickz bonus footage-- it wouldn't fit in the original post, but you all are reading the director's cut).